Will he ever want to commit again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Will he ever want to commit again?
8
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 12:52pm

I am 32-years old and I’ve been with my partner for 4 years, living with him for 3 of those years. He was previously married, for a short time (9-months) to a woman who one day left him after announcing she is gay. She moved out of their home and in with another woman right away, so he has some issues with trust. He finalized his separation five years ago and finally got the divorce a year ago (he had been procrastinating about it due to cost and the fact that all they had left to do was sign the divorce papers, everything in court was done). He is an only-child who was brought up by unmarried parents who separated when he was 7. He had a workaholic father who meant well but just didn’t spend much time with him as a child. I was brought up by happily married parents with a dad who worked and a stay-at-home mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 7:23pm

Well said, Serenity and Bella.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 6:53pm
Great perspective, Bella.

Even though I am not married, I guess since nothing is pressing in my R like marriage or kids, I did not even think about what I would do if SO was ready and I was not.

Now that you have presented it in that way, I also have had fear about my house. In Oregon, all that matters is that you are M, period. Each has a right to half of everything. I have gotten the short end financially in the past, so yea....I can see that kind of fear sticking around for a long time.

Even so, it still comes down to fear. Whether it be the posters BF, my fear of losing half my house, or Bella's fear of her SO's financial obligations. We are still making decisions, or should I say indecisions, based on fear.

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 5:50pm
I echo much of what has been said...however as someone who is currently struggling with accepting SO's marriage proposal and we've been together 6 1/2 years living together for about 5...I can relate to what is going on with your SO...the only difference is that while my SO would like to get married it's not a dealbreaker (yet)...he has 4 kids and I don't have any (my choice)...unfortunately, in my first marriage my not wanting kids was probably a factor-so I can also see from your position that it would be a dealbreaker...
As far as him not wanting to make the "full" commitment, I can relate to that...part of it is b/c I feel as though I was completely burned...the way that my ex chose to end the marriage (by having an affair, obviously lying about it, and leading me to believe we were "working it out")-all the while continuing the affair and plotting his exit from the marriage-still hurts all these years later, no not as much, but it's there...
I can only think something like your spouse leaving b/c he/she is gay would be pretty rough to deal with as well...especially for a man...

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that people cope with divorce differently...while it "seems" your SO should be "ready" to move on...there really isn't a "timetable" for healing from the pain of divorce especially if there was a betrayal involved...however, there is a timetable for deciding to have kids and only you know how long you would like to wait to become a parent...Maybe it's more important to really get on the same page about whether or not he wants children in his life...how would you feel about having a child unmarried?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 8:16am
HI Rothy--

Welcome!

Serenity and the others wrote good posts-----

If I were in your shoes, I'd be the most concerned re: the baby thing.
For me, ...I could deal with the "marriage" fears (as you have already come up with a possible plan for that part)..............................but the baby thing---that's different.

For me, I married a man who AGREED with me re: having kids prior to marriage............then, 2 years into marriage, when I wanted to start having kids............was suddenly dragging his feet. End result, we did have kids, he did/does love them-----but I was always meant to feel like a single parent, and everytime being a parent interfered with anything in his life (and being a parent interferes with ALOT in your life!) it was always thrown in my face that I was the one who "wanted to be mom"----------------and he shouldnt have to do anything towards child care/etc.

So,..............if I were in your shoes, I'd talk about the parenting issue, and base my decision on that.

I also agree that talking all of this over with a counselor (both of you together0 is your best option----the point of being at the counselor's office is to hash over the issues........................so it wont keep getting "put off" being discussed, as seems to be his MO.

I would NOT "wait a bit " and bring it up. You said he agreed the counselor was a good idea-----------get some names of counselors, then tell him you've got some leads on counselors and since he agreed it was a good idea you're going to set up an appointment to go, what days are he free to go?

Then call and make the appt yourself. If you wait for him to initiate, ....it wont happen.

AND.............as Serenity and others mentioned-------just another thing to keep in mind------------------------this scenario of YOU needing to take lead on many things will MOST LIKELY continue all through marriage/relationship...........................................................................................................................................is this what you really want?

((((((((((hugs!!)))))))))))))
BEST WISHES!
Keep us posted!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
Fri, 01-20-2012 - 1:55am

Rothycat-

Hi. His past experiences have given him reason to fear commitment. Meanwhile, with you two being together 4 years, he should have enough information to make a decision on marriage. So, if you're not sensing any progress with him, then I also have to recommend cutting him loose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 8:52pm

I seriously doubt this guy is ever going to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 1:35pm

It sounds like he is telling you what you don;t want to hear. If he doesn;t

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 01-19-2012 - 1:19pm

Welcome to the board, Rothycat!

Serenity