Women seem to have more issues than men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Women seem to have more issues than men?
8
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:25pm
Hi All,

Just for fun ... I can't help but noticing a couple of things:

1. it looks like most participants on this board are women, who bring up issues related to second marriage (yes, I'm included!)... and...

2. I notice that in my own relationship (to be second marriage for both of us), I seem to be the one who bring up issues (most are related to issues that are only unique to second marriage/serious long-term relationship).

That got me thinking why men don't seem to have these issues. First, I thought that men are just not naturally inclined to 'share' their feelings. BUT, (I can't really make a generalization on this one, I'm just curious if other women have observed similar behavior) my DF was most vocal in expressing his being upset when I said that I enjoyed SEX with one of my ex-boyfriends. I 'only' had 4 sex partners in my life, the fourth being DF, but I had enjoyed the experience with only DF and one of my ex-bf. I know that this is probably stereotyping, but my theory is that ,perhaps, while most women are concerned about their/their partners' feelings and thoughts, most men are concerned about sex. It bugs me that he used to be in love with and married to another woman, it bugs my DF that I used to enjoy sex with another man. HA! What do you guys think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 1:05pm

I think in general women have more "issues" than men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 12:53pm
I think that women are more dimensional then men. Men either like something or they don't. Also as women we are the peacekeepers of the population. We want to know how to survive in harmony. If everything isn't right in our lives, then it spills over into other aspects. We have taken on the responsibility of insuring that our new families thrive. since it was us that brought our children and our new husbands together, we feel obligated to referee. Also, we want to be accepted into his family. Not as the second wife, but THE WIFE. It's probably not that women have more issues, it's that we are more willing to speak freely and to seek a solution to resolve them. I think men just kind of let a problem fester or die a natural death.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-10-2004 - 3:39am

Actually, men have just as

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 4:16am
You all have great points! I think you're right that men don't address their feelings the way women do. Most of the times, men would keep their feelings to themselves. I do notice that most men that I've been with would keep these feelings until we argued about something, only then I discovered how they had felt all these time.

You're also right in that women have more dimensions compared to men... in fact, not only we're naturally equipped to multi-task well, society stimulates and trains women to be multi-taskers.

I guess I'm curious whether we need to encourage our men to be more verbal about their feelings, or just accept the way they are? If the latter, how do you make it work with your man? Many times, I really feel guilty because I seem to be the one who brings up issues, the one who complains. Does anybody ever feel this way?

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:28am
LOL Chris. Yes, men usually have MORE issues than women. That certainly was true fo my first DH. He was so good at stuffing all his feelings down, that no one would know what a complete mess he was. Whereas, my "issues" were out there for everyone to see. So it "appeared" that I was the crazy mess and he was so good for putting up with me.

Well, it seems he is destined to live a miserable life, because he doesn't even recognize that misery doesn't have to be a way of life. He doesn't even realize that he has the power, the tools are available and that he can be happy. He really doesn't think he can.

A good book to read is "I Don't Want to Talk About It, The Legacy of Male Depression" by Terrence Real. It states that 80% of all males suffer from some sort of depression. It is a gender thing, a cultural thing, a familial thing. 80% and if they don't even realize it, then they will not seek help, and we, their spouses, have to cope with it, not knowing. I would not have believed that statistic, until I read the book. It is an easy read and you can pick it up from Amazon Marketplace.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:59am

Thanks for the book recommendation! I still want to set up a website for both of my Relationships boards. I want to use book recommendations and websites as resource options.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 6:57pm
For women, love is judged more on the emotional committement of it. For men it is the sexual component--always has been always will be( I think). My second husband (by his own admission) was a real alley cat. I consider that to be in the past. Although my husband is not the jealous type, he still gets a bit insecure when I mention any sexual escapades I had (mine were all within relationships). We feel more insecure when we think about our men having intimate emotional moments with their ex's. My advise don't lose any sleep over it. You're together now, he's not with "her" and you're not with "them". Obviously "they " all didn't measure up to either of your expectations or you'd still be with "them". Let old dogs lie and enjoy the new puppy love!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 8:42am
Hmmm....If men's was based on a more sexual component, why are they willing to commit to one person? I do believe men need the emotional aspect just as much as women. Unfortunately, our society and concept of the "male" gender has robbed them of emotional linguistics. They are unable to speak the emotional language that women are so good at. I believe women of the past were sexually stifled by some puritan stereotypes as well.

Both men and women are learning to speak the other's language which brings us closer to understanding and compassion. My first dh never shed a tear in the 25 years I knew him. Not when his babies were born, when his mother died, never. My bf is more emotionally intelligent. Granted, the physicality of the relationship is still in the higher percentage, and may always remain so, but he recognizes why this is and is truly learning to narrow the percentage.

Now, he and I have been the best of friends for years now, and share the same interests, and so we do everything together, except of course the work week. And even there, we are on email during the day. I have other friends and so does he, but we prefer to be with each other, doing all the things we both love to do. I consider him a special and unique "man", in that he took the difficult road to look inside himself and improve himself, instead of just accepting the fact that he emotionally challanged.

My advice to the other poster is to talk about it. Who else, if not the person who is your best friend and lover, can you talk to about anything? Once my bf and I talk about something, the fear that it caused usually dissipates.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.