Wow! Just Wow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Wow! Just Wow!
30
Tue, 05-03-2011 - 5:28pm

Okay, so last night SO and I go to a restaurant to celebrate our 6 year anniversary...Everything is great, restaurant is empty (Monday night) so we have the whole place to ourselves...We decide what we are going to have appetizers, soup, main course...waitress takes the order and SO asks where the bathrooms are (we've never been to this place before)...Takes a little longer than I would've thought, but no big deal....Comes back to the table and sits down we talk a bit more before the appetizer comes out...appetizer is a "raw bar" type dish arranged in a large rounded bowl...It comes out and in the center is an engagement ring...To say that I'm stunned would be the understatement of the year...As I could barely breathe, I hear him asking me to marry him and my response tumbles out way too fast (no, no, no).

He clarifies that he doesn't mean marry him anytime soon (i.e. the last we've spoken about this, it is fairly clear that another 4 years is about the time parameter we're in agreement about), but, nonetheless wants me to answer yes...kind of weird b/c now waitress comes back with a camera (hears me saying no, isn't sure what to do), SO gives her his phone and some pictures are taken...Champagne comes, the meals, and then they give us a dessert on the house....All the while I feel awful about my reaction...I did immediately put on the ring though...

Okay, so for those that know of my struggles...one of them is SOs financial situation...he is heavily burdened with paying CS/alimony...happily that will be reduced in Sept/Oct.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-03-2011 - 6:19pm

Why is it that you feel that you need to wait 4 more yrs before getting married?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Tue, 05-03-2011 - 6:28pm
I think 4 years will give me more of the security I need (both financial/emotional)...Yes, we live together now...Yeah, wearing it w/o telling anyone wouldn't be right...I guess in reality I would like to put it away, (in some ways I wish it didn't happen...but I don't feel like that is "right" to put it away...I believe my parents have both accepted it and are probably resigned to the situation...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 9:48am
Hi Bella---

Congratulations! (even though your post makes it sound like you dont really see it that way!)

Here are my thoughts:

1. Your SO went through alot of effort for this romantic "proposal". To me, that would be a huge plus, regardless of outcome. Right now you are with him exclusively, and , he's putting alot of effort into his exclusive relationship with you. To me, it seems as though this is an acknowledgement of his "committment" to you, and his future with you.

2. An *engagement* is not an actual marriage---it's a plan to get married............you can (at any time!) give the ring back and "break" the engagement------------if/since your *gut* feeling is that this is NOT the right time/place for you to be "engaged", then perhaps you should listen to your gut and explain this to him(well, you definitely need to explain your feelings re: it all to him)---------however, LIVING TOGETHER (to me), is kind of a "plan" to be married as well----for me, anyhow. If I didnt think I"d be happy spending the rest of my life with my SO, I would NOT be living with him------------------------so, how is that alot different than a definition of "engaged to be married"?..........................

3. For me, (not you, but me...).....it was HUGELY important to know that he was committed enough to do the "engagement/proposal" thing------------------as I REALLY did not want to be living with someone who wasnt considering me as "the rest of my life" marriage partner material---------------------------------but, (interestingly enough), once THAT was a done deal-----I've had (for ...eh, close to 7 years now!) difficulty becoming ready to actually *marry*..!! (at first, I cited the raging exW, etc, and SO's financial difficulties ---hah, related to giving EVERYTHING to exW------but, .....that has all settled, and really isnt of much issue anymore..................but, things are "OK" as they are..................I feel like what I saw in a Goldy Hawn inteview years ago---things were great with her and Kurt Russell as they were---she didnt see any reason to change---kind of like afraid of jinxing things, almost!)

sooooooooooooo..............(FWIW department next):

From the get go of my "engagement"----yes, people see the ring, first question, "when's the wedding?" I'd say (and still do!)-----I dont know....maybe never :) .....

I feel COMFORTABLE in this decision, as it's really MY decision not to legally "marry" now----if I wanted it, he would be fine with it..........so, I think because I feel OK with this decision, people say things re: that being OK also......"there's no need to rush anything' etc, .....those who have been married and divorced agree whole heartedly, also, ..............no huge need to do that again now, either. If you're happy where you're at..................................................what more does anything else matter?


The one thing that concerns me re: your post----is just that he DID put alot of effort into the proposal, etc.

So.........please DO talk with him alot re: what "engagement' means------I'm guessing that to HIM it was almost like when married people "renew their vows"------------to me, ...it seems you two have been committed/exclusive/planning and living your lives together AS IF engaged/getting married--------and this *gesture* was sort of like a "RENEWAL" of his committment to you of this.....................................................

So, I just wouldnt want him to be hurt that you were unappreciative of his efforts

(on the other hand---there is a small voice that says, "is he feeling guilty of something that he's doing all of this?"------------more likely, though, he's feeling BETTER about himself, and what he truly has to offer YOU (re: income situation, etc), so is wanting to do this now----that he had REALLY wanted to do before, but didnt feel he "could" before..........KWIM?)

CONCLUSION:

From my perspective, I dont see anything wrong with wearing the ring, and having an UNSPECIFIED tentative wedding plans 4 plus years off.........(but that's just me)...

..(and, of course, those 4 years can always be extended out....to have a double wedding with me "maybe never"..... LOL!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2008
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 11:20am

FWIW, I agree with Laurena completely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 12:18pm

I was thinking about my uncle who I think will be 83 or 84 this summer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Wed, 05-04-2011 - 11:07pm
Hi Bella--
Just checking the board tonight---have a different perspective on your post-----

I'm getting the feeling that your reluctance re: *engagement* really has nothing to do with *engagement*---but more with your family's voiced disapproval of your relationship with SO----

---not sure if there is some *basis* to their concerns that registers with you on a deeper level than you've been wanting to consider, or if the *engagement* would simply put the whole situation up for "discussion", and you're not ready for that, or what----

but, the more I think about it---to me, you *are* engaged already ---------

---what the difference is-> is the ring/and the "announcement" and (consequent) discussion,etc, of it.......

?? maybe???


Do you have one family member you feel closer to , that you could talk with more----maybe if they got to know SO better, they'd feel differently? I'm just wondering if YOURE wondering if *maybe* they are right (on some level)..................??

(who knows...)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 7:40am
I will write more later...but...I showed SO your post last night b/c it was definitely spot on, he was like L expressed my feelings even better than I did, what do you have to say to that? Also, in what you are posting now you are right as well...No, I think both my parents would likely say the same although SO insists that their reaction will probably be better than I expect, he says that b/c when we went away to Cape Cod with them last summer he had a conversation with my dad where he says that my dad said that both my parents want me to be happy first and foremost...To some degree that's true, but I also know that they are very concerned about the other stuff too...
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2008
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 5:06pm

L,

<---not sure if there is some *basis* to their concerns that registers with you on a deeper level than you've been wanting to consider, or if the *engagement* would simply put the whole situation up for "discussion", and you're not ready for that, or what---->

Yes, this is definitely true...a lot of that comes from the fact that in many ways my parents "nursed" me through my divorce...they saw first hand exactly how devastated

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 7:50pm

I have to giggle, because there was part of me that was like "hey...why didn't she call and tell me first!"

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-05-2011 - 11:59pm

I definitely can understand your feelings about "failing".

Pages