Exes...UgH

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2013
Exes...UgH
3
Fri, 11-01-2013 - 4:46pm

Hello All...New here and could really use some advice before I go crazy.  I'll try to make this as to the point as I can...

My SO and I have been together for 9 years.  6 of those long distance and going on 3 years now in the same city (we don't live together yet) but plan on that in the next year.  We have 5 kids between us.  Mine are 19 and 14..just my daughter (19) lives with me, my son lives with his dad.  SO has 3 ages 14, 10 and 10 (twins).  He is not technically divorced yet.  Has been out of the house for 5 years...yes, 5 years and still no divorce.  Yes, we had an affair ( please don't make this about that).   They are close on the divorce and it always seems as though something comes up to delay it longer.  My SO is high profile in his industry and makes alot of money...so naturally, she is going after ALL she can get.  She doesn't work and just recently decided to go to school (never did this before..she is 46 yrs old..they were married for 20 years.  He sold his complany at the beginning of the year for alot of money and is currently not working but pursueing other things.  She won't agree to a divorce until he is earning a regular income again.  He takes care of EVERYTHING for her.  And i mean everything.  Even after 5 years of being seperated she still doesn't earn anything for herself.  He pays almost 10k a month in maintenance and support..pays for all the kids actiities.  All the kids presents..pays for plane tickets for her if she is going somewhere.  Just everything and that in itself makes me nuts. 

I have no issue with him paying for his fair share and naturally because he was the major bread winner he will pay the maintenance, etc.  I just think it's nuts he goes above and beyond and does it so willinglingly.  I know alot of it is out of guilt...i get that.  But when will enough be enough. 

 He is renting his house, i am renting mine.  We want to move in together as soon as this divorce is finally final...he keeps promising by January when they have yet another court date.  But who knows...i'm skeptical at this point.  I'm concerned that when we do move in together and hopefully buy a house this pattern will continue of him taking care of her every need. 

I suppose i feel resentful...I am divorced for 10 years..was a SAHM but have carved out a successful career for myself.  My ex didn't take care of me at all.  But i'm a better person today because i was forced to take care of myself and my children on my own.  I work 50+ hours a week, have raised my children and am putting my daughter through college. 

Anyways,  besides all of that...there are more issues.  He won't bring me around any function because she refuses to have me there...meaning, i am not allowed to attend a kid function at school (i know his kids, we spend time together, they like me (she hates that they like me).  But even functions like birthdays they go do a birthday dinner with them and I am not included.  I get it's because the divorce is not final...but i really feel she would be happy to never have the divorce over just so she can keep me away as long as she can and he refuses to see that.  I think its one of the reasons there is always something to delay it.  She is not motivated to have it over...she is not interested in dating.  Why would she want it over...financially she is taken care of and i feel he respects her wishes (by keeping me away to keep the peace) more so than he respects mine. 

He often says it's just to keep the peace and not have any fighting.  But then he and i have had several fights over this.  So he would rather hurt me and fight with me than her???  I just don't get that. 

I have been patient and waited and waited.  I know with the holidays coming up...more things will surface.  They always do and I'm dreading it.  This is the first year i'm invited to a big family thanksgiving thing with his family.  We are all flying back east for this big tradition.  His family knows me..but get this...last year i was not invited to the thanksgiving thing and SHE was.  He lied to me about this and told me he was going along with his kids.  I found out in March of this year..that she weazled her way into it.  By saying she was going to visit friends for the holiday in the same town....Oh, but she didn't have plans for TDay.  Really??  So his sister invited her over.  i think it was very manipulative on her part and well designed.

Anyways..i'm probably rambling and not sure i'm getting ALL of my point across.  But any advise would surely help....

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 11-04-2013 - 1:35pm

Well my advice is kind of too late for you in some ways but it would be not to get involved w/ a married man, but you started this relationship off by having an affair, which I'm sure makes him feel guilty and not want to press things too much.  I'm not going to get into the affair thing because who knows?  maybe he would have left his wife anyway or many other things could have happened, but now you put yourself in this position of not really having a leg to stand on to complain about anything here.  Your choice, as I see it, is either to put up with the status quo and just go along until the divorce is final, or to break things off and tell him that you'll consider getting back together with him when the divorce is final and all the financial things are settled.  I wouldn't even date someone going through a divorce because I don't want to be subjected to having to deal with all the guy's issues.

As far as money--they were married 20 yrs and have 3 kids and apparently he is well off if he can pay that much per month, so guess what?  She's going to get a lot of money.  This is between them & it's really not their business.  If she didn't work while they were married (or at least since the kids were born) and he can afford to pay alimony, maybe she won't be working.  I've been divorced twice and never got alimony because I always worked even when I was married.  But since I'm a divorce lawyer, I can see this objectively.  Where I live, someone who has been married over 20 yrs is entitled to alimony until retirement --maybe that's why she hasnt' been rushing to get divorced since the longer you are married, the longer alimony goes on.  You said he made "a lot " of money when he sold his company, so why shouldn't he pay for all his kids' activites if he can afford it?  They are his kids and you will never get anywhere if he thinks you resent money spent on his kids.  

And you didn't ask this, but I don't know if you talked about getting married to him or  just living together.  Before you do that, you really need to have a very unromatic talk about money.  I assume he will want a prenup, just not to have to go through this again--how do you feel about that?  When you live together, will he be paying for all or most of the expenses?  If you buy a house together, will you jointly own it?  If he can afford to buy his kids everything under the son, will your kids feel bad because of the financial inequity?

And you already see that she has more control over him than you do as far as the kids.  He is still treating her like family and you are the interloper.  He is probably afraid to get her too mad in case she wants to prolong the divorce even further, so I think you have to see how he acts after they get divorced.  We have had several women on here over the years where the divorce was final (sometimes for years) but the guy continued to do everything the exW wanted, go over there to do home repairs, take care of all her problems "for the kids."  So you could be facing that this behavior will never change.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Mon, 11-04-2013 - 1:42pm

Welcome!  Sorry I didn't see your post sooner.  We tend to be pretty quiet over the weekend.

There is so much I could say, but will have to be short for now.  My DH and I met while he was still M and although we didnt get together until they were separated, I can tell you that I can totally relate.  As hard as it is, I can tell you that you are doing the right thing by waiting to live together.  We didn't wait and holy moly, what a ride.  He did get D and we just got married in June, but it was 7 year ride to get that place.  (We have 6 kids between us, ages 13 to 27)

Your concerns are valid and just reinforces the reason to wait.  Also, and I won't hound on this, but there is always a bit of skepicism when a D takes this long.  I am not saying he doesn't love and care about you, but even if he doesn't realize it, he is probably hanging onto something in his R with her.  I could be a simple as guilt and pride, but there is something.  My DH struggled horribly, even knowing it was the right thing to do. 

I am at work and need to get going, but hopefully others chime in.  iVillage boards have been going through some growing pains with some technilogicial updates, so bear with us.  Feel free to send me private message if you want to chat more. 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2008
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 10:20am

Hi alongtimecoming,  You have received great advice so far.  I would have to add that it is not a requirement for both people to be on board to get a divorce.  I divorced my exh in a default divorce.  It did extend the time it took to a year and a half but my exh did nothing in the process--extra paperwork was involved.  IMHO if your bf really wants to divorce his w it is possible.  Five years is a long time to wait.

I'm glad you are not moving in with him until the D is final. Unfortunately his exw, kids and all the baggage he is carrying now will move right along with him if and when he does D.  If it is difficult for you now it will continue to be so in the future, IMHO.

I can see how it is hurtful to you not being included in family functions but it is your bf who needs to fix that. He says he is trying to keep the peace but you are the one he is leaving behind.  Maybe he is feeling guilty? You are also hearing everything from his perspective.  You do not know what his soon to be ex is dealing with as she has been with him for 20 years.  I am sure she has a relationship with all of his family.  They may not be so understanding of him having an A and they could resent you.

Please know that I am not saying any of this to hurt you.  Maybe you should just step back, arrange fabulous holiday plans with your own family and children and tell your bf that you want to feel 'wanted' at the holiday function and it is up to him to fix it. Kwim?  You can tell him that you are giving him some space to end his marriage, heal and move on from his D so he will be free to be a totally loving partner to you.  The way that it is now it is hard for you to feel respected and loved fully as it should be for everyone in a relationship.  If he knows you are willing to step back and continue on with your life without all this crazyness maybe he will step up to the plate.  You will find out his true intentions one way or another.  While you can't force him to make a move you do have the ablility to stop living in limbo!

I wish you the best,

Ollie