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|Fri, 11-01-2013 - 4:46pm|
Hello All...New here and could really use some advice before I go crazy. I'll try to make this as to the point as I can...
My SO and I have been together for 9 years. 6 of those long distance and going on 3 years now in the same city (we don't live together yet) but plan on that in the next year. We have 5 kids between us. Mine are 19 and 14..just my daughter (19) lives with me, my son lives with his dad. SO has 3 ages 14, 10 and 10 (twins). He is not technically divorced yet. Has been out of the house for 5 years...yes, 5 years and still no divorce. Yes, we had an affair ( please don't make this about that). They are close on the divorce and it always seems as though something comes up to delay it longer. My SO is high profile in his industry and makes alot of money...so naturally, she is going after ALL she can get. She doesn't work and just recently decided to go to school (never did this before..she is 46 yrs old..they were married for 20 years. He sold his complany at the beginning of the year for alot of money and is currently not working but pursueing other things. She won't agree to a divorce until he is earning a regular income again. He takes care of EVERYTHING for her. And i mean everything. Even after 5 years of being seperated she still doesn't earn anything for herself. He pays almost 10k a month in maintenance and support..pays for all the kids actiities. All the kids presents..pays for plane tickets for her if she is going somewhere. Just everything and that in itself makes me nuts.
I have no issue with him paying for his fair share and naturally because he was the major bread winner he will pay the maintenance, etc. I just think it's nuts he goes above and beyond and does it so willinglingly. I know alot of it is out of guilt...i get that. But when will enough be enough.
He is renting his house, i am renting mine. We want to move in together as soon as this divorce is finally final...he keeps promising by January when they have yet another court date. But who knows...i'm skeptical at this point. I'm concerned that when we do move in together and hopefully buy a house this pattern will continue of him taking care of her every need.
I suppose i feel resentful...I am divorced for 10 years..was a SAHM but have carved out a successful career for myself. My ex didn't take care of me at all. But i'm a better person today because i was forced to take care of myself and my children on my own. I work 50+ hours a week, have raised my children and am putting my daughter through college.
Anyways, besides all of that...there are more issues. He won't bring me around any function because she refuses to have me there...meaning, i am not allowed to attend a kid function at school (i know his kids, we spend time together, they like me (she hates that they like me). But even functions like birthdays they go do a birthday dinner with them and I am not included. I get it's because the divorce is not final...but i really feel she would be happy to never have the divorce over just so she can keep me away as long as she can and he refuses to see that. I think its one of the reasons there is always something to delay it. She is not motivated to have it over...she is not interested in dating. Why would she want it over...financially she is taken care of and i feel he respects her wishes (by keeping me away to keep the peace) more so than he respects mine.
He often says it's just to keep the peace and not have any fighting. But then he and i have had several fights over this. So he would rather hurt me and fight with me than her??? I just don't get that.
I have been patient and waited and waited. I know with the holidays coming up...more things will surface. They always do and I'm dreading it. This is the first year i'm invited to a big family thanksgiving thing with his family. We are all flying back east for this big tradition. His family knows me..but get this...last year i was not invited to the thanksgiving thing and SHE was. He lied to me about this and told me he was going along with his kids. I found out in March of this year..that she weazled her way into it. By saying she was going to visit friends for the holiday in the same town....Oh, but she didn't have plans for TDay. Really?? So his sister invited her over. i think it was very manipulative on her part and well designed.
Anyways..i'm probably rambling and not sure i'm getting ALL of my point across. But any advise would surely help....