Handling step daughters????

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Handling step daughters????
Fri, 06-01-2007 - 7:33pm

DH has two daughters, 18 & 12. They visit and spend the night about 2, maybe 3 times per week. Because DH works long hours the two girls are use to staying by themselves and coming and going as they please. This drives me nuts! I never know when someone is going to just walk in the house, go to their room, get something, turn around and leave as the girls go back and forth from our house to their mother's house. I told DH that this is unusual to me as I have been single for the past 7 years and when my son comes to visit he STAYS and for longer than a 24 hour period.

There are times that the girls are very irresponsible, like leaving a burning candle in their room or forgetting their books, etc for school. I've told DH that we need to make sure the girls are being more responsible because their actions effect everyone from him to my son!

Besides the coming and going, and the irresponsiblity, there are times that DH's daughters talk so ugly to him. They have a tone in their voice as if dad is to blame for everything. They are only nice to him when they want him to buy them something. I've told DH that I don't like the way they talk to him and he says he doesn't either but he does nothing about it. He's afraid they won't come around if he makes them unhappy.

Anyway, I'm asking if anyone has had or is in a similar situation and how do you handle it?


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2007
Mon, 07-09-2007 - 7:52am
dear mad4nc,
i am familiar with the situation, my new husbands daughters are already over 20 and they do not know how to clean after themselves. their father does not care I think it is that all men do not care about things like that, or there is a category of men that do not care. they never do anything and i cook and clean every tme we stay together and once they cooked just sandwiches he said it was magnificent and whatever i do or cook is always pass unnoticed. if i tell him that i am fed up to do washing up, to live in a mess, to have my towels used and the rest, he just pretend s he does not hear but his mood goes down significantly and be sure the onlyu one who will suffer from this is me. So for years nothing changes and i recently stopped saying anything. I do not know what to do also, if he just told me how much he appreciates the way i treat his daughtes as i never said a word of reproach to them that would be enough but this i know will never happen though any critiqs from my side will be interpreted as a lead to divorce. The thing is I love my husband, i love him so much, he is a great husband in all other senses, so perhaps the only way is just write it off as his weak point? I know it is difficult and every time i order myself to shut up whenever i want to critisize, i understand you very well. Perhaps what you can try, is to be very polite with the kids and specially in his presence and clean as much as you can in his and their presence but with a smile and no complaints. This way I cured one of the daughters and perhaps will cure the other soon, try, in the end everything depends on how much you put on the stake, how much love i mean
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 5:02pm

"Can't say I blame my son but I'm not going to have my kid hate coming over to my house becuase of a sloppy kid who's not even mine."

Guess I took issue with this line in post #19, especially the last 4 words.

When SO and I are in our deep discussion about getting married, the biggest thing we discuss are OUR kids. We decided that both kids are ours and treat them that way on weekends and vacations now. I tell SO's DS that he has chores to do and he does them,but then I give them a list together to work out between themselves. I am the first to also help with his homework, am baking his birthday cake to look like the lake our cabin sits on and went shopping for him with my DD for gifts, spoiling him totally.

SO and I are deciding not only to take one another for sickness and health, but to take each other's children and do our best to love them as our own. They will be part of our ceremony and I would like to have a candle we all light together showing on combined unit.

Our biggest issue was if our children would get along as closely as we wanted. Last week they were picking on one another like siblings and we laughed.

Not everything will be perfectly balanced either. One might require more time, money, support, etc than the other, and we have to just give each kid what they need to move forward.

My cousin embraced this attitude so I saw it firsthand and it works well. Her sister did not and still has issues with kids that are not in their late 20s.

Oh I am not DS's mom, and he is not my DD's dad, but we are the two strong people with full custody, so what we say goes. Then again, we would both do almost anything for these two kids.