His Vendictive and manipulative EX

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
His Vendictive and manipulative EX
17
Tue, 05-22-2007 - 1:06pm

I'm writing this in order to 1. vent and 2. ask for advice

First the vent: I'll try to make this short. My new hubby's ex has for years has been unstable. By this I mean she has harrassed, stalked, threatened both of us. At its worse there has been police involvement. My husband has 'been allowed' to see his 2 children periodically. His ex refuses to follow their legal child agreement ( they have joint custody) He's not allowed to call the house to speak to his children, he can only use her cell which she shuts off or it goes to VM. He hasn't seen them in 3 months. Its now going before the courts again. We are struggling finacially as his ex gets MORE money in Spousal support , than what I make in a yr. She got their marital home, sold it and made a HUGE profit. Now lives with her 'fianace' who makes six figures. She is now asking for more money . Well heres where I ask for the advice part:

He pays her 'daycare fees' and 'extraordinary'...fees for extras the kids may need. BUT she DOESN"T work! never has. She also says she has no money. Here the kicker. Shes posted a profile on another website where she proceeds to tell the world what a terrible person

my husband is. She also tells the world that she's taking a trip with all the kids to the carribean to get married and is having a new house built in the fall. Do I show this to my husband? stress him out even more. Will he think i'm a nut case for even looking and finding this info on her? or do I forget about it even if possibly this info could be important in court?

I know I'm angry, hurt, even jealous that we have nothing and she waves her money in our faces ( she's told my husband that we're losers because we can't afford to put my children in lessons)
Thanks for listening...do I need a therapist? I'm just so angry

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:49am
Pam,
Your absolutly right...good for you in calling police. We did the same thing during the 'highway' incident. I gave a video statement to police and they in turn warned her to back off. I felt good about doing that, in fact, I'd wished i had of reported her earlier.
In the beginning I as well as my husband put up with her bullying b/c she took it out on the children and made it so hard for my husband to have contact with his children. In the end I said NO MORE. We hired a lawyer to help deal with the legal issues- spousal support and visitation...AND called police to report her behaviour. My husband has kept detailed records of her behaviour and this has come in very handy in court.
I feel better after 'talking ' with everyone..thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:32am

You know there is one more thing you can do, and that is if she comes on your property or leaves obscene voice mail, or anything else that crosses the line, log it, record it, and certainly if there is a face to face confrontation, go to the police. I reported B's ex to two different police jurisdictions, the one where he moved after leaving and the ones in my own town. She actually followed me to the police station and was there when I walked in, so she knew I wasn't going to put up with her stalking and trapping my car and screaming at me. I filed the report with my town police as well, and she was still living in the neighborhood. They told me if I even saw her walking up the sidewalk on the other side of the street, much less parked in front of my house, I was to call and report it immediately. B then informed her that she had been reported and so she better stop the stalking, or the police would confront her.

Filing the report was easy. It made me feel better, because holding everything in by not reacting to her, was literally tearing my apart. Knowing that all I had to do was call the police, was actually comforting. It actually forced her to stop as well. Whether it was "stalking" or "harrassment", both are punishable by law.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 8:21am

Honey,
Thanks so much for your comments. I see I'm not alone in my challenges. My hats off to you for handling bad situations with diplomacy and tact. Really its for myself, my family and of course the children involved that I try to do the same.
It's a very sad state of affairs when a person feels that there main goal in life is to '
'leave him a "broken man in all ways" what a serious waste of precious time and energy.
The fact that some people are so filled with rage and that they can never find peace in their lives is very sad.
My husband's ex is a master manipulator and is very comfortable and enjoys even playing the victim. Who knows why...her past? her childhood? her past relationship with my husband? honestly- who cares. Like I said before, people like that need very firm bounderies. They need to learn that abusive behaviour has consequences. Isn't that what we teach our children?
Like you honey, just when I think the situation has calmed down, something will piss her off and she'll fly of the handle-AGAIN. so like you, I try my best to stay level headed. I have asked her not to call our home, to use my husband's cell phone instead. AS she was not only talking to my children, asking them questions that are none of her business but also leaving obsene messeges on our answering machine for my children to hear.

When you said- i have the feeling some irate BM's realize that another woman has much less tolerance for their antics then their X. You are so right here...I'd never confronted this woman , feeling that it would make things worse UNTILL- she literally cornered me one day in a public place, started calling me obsene names, yelling. I made it very clear that she was to back off and stay away from me. I made it VERY clear. She immediately backed down.

Any way, Good luck to you and hopefully these women are able to find some healing and peace in their lives. In the mean time theres never a reason to put up with bullying or abusive behaviour. It is a fine line indeed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 4:30pm

much of your post reflects how i feel and what i've dealt with...i too have been victim to BM's verbal outbursts, nasty gossip and innunendos about me, direct threats against me, and consistant disrespect of me...despite i too, like you, have remained even-tempered and easy-going thruout (IMHO LOL)...and i've witnessed her severe rage towards DSO, in which she was never discrete to the children being in the middle of such a mess...its apparent her main goal is to make DSO miserable at any cost, even the kids well-being (shes told me as much, that her focus is to leave him a "broken man in all ways")...shes been physically abusive, as well as extremely verbally and emotionally, to DSO...its been quite an experience...and i agree too, that to excuse such behaviors puts others at risk and enables/encourages more of the same...its quite a fine line for a new woman to walk, and quite a sticky situation to endure/witness/be party of.

i too feel true compassion for BM and her woes...as widow i'm experienced in grief and have considered her grief at a broken family might be much the same as mine (despite that she wanted the divorce, and yet of course i realize DSO had some blame in the breakdown of their marriage as well!)...but its normal we have a limit to turning the other cheek.

i'm hopeful that time will settle things down...i see much evidence of that lately and i find that promising...though then something will erupt that will remind me she is not going to change much...just recently she once again physically attacked DSO, and he did call the cops...only to have the police look at DSO with a tainted eye as IF women can't be abusive and basically minimize the situation.

anyway, i hope your situation too will calm with time...all i can suggest is you continue to hold your head high and not stoop to her levels....i too have set clear boundries with BM and am pleased she followed thru (for example, i've politely requested she keep her rants on her own property after she came to my house to throw a fit, and she has never returned...i also asked her to please have minimal respect when calling MY home and eversince she has been courteous when i answer the phone)...i refuse to be a pushover/doormat either...i won't purposely engage her, but i won't back down and she knows that....i have the feeling some irate BM's realize that another woman has much less tolerance for their antics then their X.

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:54pm

"I hate to see my husband in pain and I hate to see a bully in action but ultimately its his issue."

Ah, I hope that he has figured out why he chose to marry a bully and why he has allowed himself to be bullied. Those are not really good qualitites in a person. Choose smart, choose wisely, and then you won't have to deal with all this.

Actually, telling how much it hurts you to see him in such pain, well...maybe that's another thing he can do something about. Talking about fear and pain, rarely becomes confrontational. How would he feel watching you in pain more than not? He would want to and try to "fix it". All you have to do, is validate his feelings. You can empathize. But don't allow him to project his onto you.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:32pm

Pam,
Yes, I did ask for advice but in thinking about my reason for asking, I've come to the conclusion that what I really wanted/needed was to vent and to feel listened to. To have my feelings validated. I feel that they have been. I feel that others have had the same challenges that I have. I really do take comfort in that, you have no idea. I Thank you all for listening, responding and sharing with me.

I agree with you when you say it should be my husband that deals with her only. Thats what we've been doing. I know in my heart that I've tried to do whats best for the situation. I've never yelled, confronted her, 'pushed her buttons....I wouldn't lower myself. At times I do feel sorry for her. I have mixed emotions. I mean as a woman and a mother who has been divorced with children , I do feel for her.

My husband is going back to court get everything tighened up. But your right...its HIM...not me , who needs to deal with things. I try to distance myself from the situation, as challenging as thats been. It's not my problem is it? I hate to see my husband in pain and I hate to see a bully in action but ultimately its his issue.

I'm impressed with how detailed your agreement is...good idea. My brother was/is in a similar situation and their agreement stipulates when my brother can call the house and when she needs to make the kids available for those calls. I really like the slander clause you have...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:04pm

yes, sometimes its because she too far deep in pain...but .... vendictive , abusive , manipulative and hurtful behaviour should never be tolerated under any circumstances. To excuse such behaviour puts others at risk and encourages more of the same.

I absolutely agree with you. Contact with her should be at a minimum, and ideally not at all between you and she. It is your DH's job. His contact should be ONLY about the children. If they have a legal visitation schedule in place, then it should be followed. If HE feels the terms are unfair, then HE needs to go back and have another hearing. My agreement had everything down to each holiday for ten years, where the children would be. It also said if either of us ever said anything bad about the other, or if anyone in our families did, we could be taken back to court and all custody and visitation would be reconsidered. If your DH does not have this in place, then he is probably stuck with her behavior. If he, during the course of the divorce, just gave in to everything, then it's something he created and he will have to live with it. That is too bad.

Youa re the one here asking for advice and support for a situation that shouldn't even be yours. He should be taking on all responsiblity for it.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 1:43pm
I understand all about tramatic stress disorder and abusive relationships, I work as a crisis counsellor and see many woman who have endured and survived horrific abuse . I can certainly understand that people react to trauma in different ways and may not know themselves when they need help. They can sometimes feel they are justified in their actions. I have empathy.
Yes, there are always 2 sides to a story when a marriage ends. I too am divorced and I also know that my husband( no one) is a saint. What I have a problem with is a woman who does not take responsibility for her own actions and behaviour...yes, sometimes its because she too far deep in pain...but .... vendictive , abusive , manipulative and hurtful behaviour should never be tolerated under any circumstances. To excuse such behaviour puts others at risk and encourages more of the same.
I have tried to be polite and I've never been rude to this woman but I will not tolerate abuse , not to myself or my children. My husband now feels the same way. They was a time when I think he felt guilty for leaving her, felt guilty that his marriage failed b/c of whatever part he played in its breakdown. That was many years ago. We are married now and she is engaged to be married. Time to move on!
'Acting out'because you feel you have been wronged is immature, abusive and can land you in jail.
I have a great deal of compassion for anyone who has survived a divorce or been threw truma . Even his Ex. I tried talking to her. Told her I'll never , ever, try to re-place her as a mother, that I respect her as their mother, have never badmouthed her. In fact, I've told the children several times what a nice mommy they have to take them to the movies...etc.. I didn't get the same respect. Not surprising if I'm seen as a threat or whatever..I tried.
I will continue to be polite but I have set very clear bounderies for her. I'm not a doormat or pushover.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 1:13pm

I was reading your's and Laurena's posts, and I was thinking about B's ex. She would be described as unstable, stalking, etc., etc...Truth of the matter was, she actually had a breakdown when he left her. It was an untreated breakdown, because she felt anything she did was valid, not the result of her traumatic stress disorder, which was in fact in place for a long time.

Her first marriage was to a physical abuser. Her first child with Bob died at 9 months. She immediately got pregnant again, and was bedridden and at that point he cheated for the first time. During their 25 year marriage he had at least four affairs, all of which she "forgave" and took him back. The fifth time he didn't go back, and she became unglued. She did most of the things you have described.

My point being, when I found out how sad and dysfunctional she had been all along, I found a strong compassion in my heart for her. B was no saint, and he needed help to deal with his own guilt and shame. Fortunately, he told me all the good, bad and ugly about himself, and he sought help, as did I.

I am just saying that when a person feels she has been desperately wronged, for any reason, then she will strike out in any way she can and will get away with. If these men are giving into such dysfunctional behavior that will damage their own children (this was the kicker for B), then they need to deal with their guilt and shame, instead of avoiding it. Broken marriages are not onesided deals. There are "faults" on both sides. One of the "two" needs to be aware of this and make some changes. Otherwise, nothing will change at all, and that's what you will have to look forward to.

It just sounds like she is acting out, because she feels he "wronged" her in some way and she deserves to get what she can. Truth be told, he did, and they both wronged each other in some way, only a counselor may unravel that. Maybe it was neglect of some sort, maybe it was not putting the marriage first. Maybe it was just being incapable of connection. You want to know, because you don't want the same things to happen to you. He should want to know, so he can get off the hamster wheel with his ex, and build a life with you. His ex should because she is hurting her children, but chances are she doesn't know that, or realize what she is doing. She is blinded by her own "rightness".

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 10:05am
Laurena82,
Thankls so much for your reply!! both these women must have been hatched out of the same rotten egg! You certainly seem to fully understand what I'm going through as what you describe is EXACTLY whats happening to us. EVERYTHING you've mentioned is currently happening here!
We do have a lawyer and this is going to court AGAIN...for a second time. she just doesn't think that the law applies to her...this time around the agreement will be tighened up to secure his visitation and contact with his children..also , like you said...proportion to income...HELLO?? that means no more $$...My husband has 17$ left after every pay cheque b/c EVERYTHING goes to her..he pays a HUGE amount of money. The babysitting fees will be dropped and his lawyer will fight to have her spousal support lowered too..
She has told him.."go ahead take me to court, I have all your money, good luck buddy"
so as you see , and I know you understand..this is just to try and break his balls.
AND..yes, the sad part is : that even though she's always up on a soap box telling anyone who will listen, what a great mother she is and what a jerk my husband is..its the children who suffer..maybe they don't see it now...but later on , when they're older..they'll se the other side. That they're dad is a caring, loving father who tried everything in his power to see his children , who has paid and gave everything he's got
to them...that he's not a jerk..she has manipulated the kids...and YES, they didn't know about the all the money he's been paying until we told them...they too were surprised.
She is a bully and HAS bullied my husband..he's getting better..but I too am furious at times that he gives in to her...you'd never see her comprimise or be reasonable.
She too has made plans for the children , tells the children about those plans, then calls my husband last to tell him its a no go for his visitation...when he protests, she says.." go ahead tell them they can't go, you be the a**H*** that dissapoints your children"
ok, I'll stop now...again, thanks for listening...I know I'm not the only one out there, gives me some comfort.

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