Ok, this is about the child disparity...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Ok, this is about the child disparity...
26
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 2:28pm

So, Cheryl, you need not read. LOL!!!!

Since you guys know that my oldest is switching to community college next year, a "funny" think happened last night. You are also aware that B's daughter doesn't give me the time of day, in between her visits. When she visits we usually enjoy ourselves.

So, B mentioned he hadn't seen his daughter since Christmas. We had issued an invitation for them to join us at the beach house for a few days, but she told me, they probably couldn't because of her DH's job. So B came to me, and asked about going to NYC to visit them, which I said was OK. A long weekend or something. Now B hates NYC, I love it. We always have to book rooms when we go there, because we are not invited to stay with them. So, I went to B and said "if tommy can't come, maybe we could give her our airmiles, so she could come to the beach at least".

Last night he offered to pay for airfare for both of them to come to the beach, that would be almost $1,000.00. Plus we would house them and feed them and be their transportation service. He offered this without discussing it with me. This for a girl who doesn't even acknowledge my existance. Hmmm...I guess when he told me, I was a bit shocked. I explained my offer to fly her using my airmiles was under that assumption that he was not coming, so she wouldn't drive alone. They do have a car. If both of them are coming, they can drive, just like my older son is doing with his friend. DUH!!! So B justified it, by saying we would be saving money by not going to NYC. Well, going to NYC wouldn't be expensive if they would open their house to us, but they don't.

I told B, if it's ok to give those kids $1,000 and a free vacation, then it's ok for me to pay for Ian's traveling expenses, isn't it? Like maybe I should give him $400 to cover the costs of driving down? And that way he can be saving his money for his tuition? It all seems logical to me, and B claims logic is the smart way to think. LOL!!!!!

It's all about treating all the kids equally.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2006
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:18pm

LOL. I read it. :P.

Wow. I can't believe he did that. Honestly, if it was me, I surely wouldn't allow her to stay in my home, when she is disrespectful of my wife (because she basically ignores you). I surely wouldn't be homing her in MY home. Nor would I feed them. Bleah. I'm with you. If he does that for her, you should be able to freely treat your boys how you want, without asking B. Even if that means putting him out. Too bad. But, we all know that's petty. I hope you are able to help him see how disrespectful that was to you. I mean, no offense, but it is your home, and she treats you badly, and you're not even welcome in THEIR home.

Oh, this just rubs me the wrong way.

It reminds me of DH and his sister. If sister can't make it to a "party" then the folks don't even have anything. Doesn't matter about DH. And if she can make it on X day, and we can't, oh well, it's X day or nothing. Sheesh. Talk about knowing full well who's schedule they work on. Bleah Reminds me of B and his DD.

Pet peeve of mine.




















 





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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:20pm

Hi, Pamela,

I'm new, so this is just my 2 cents (discounted to free for today).

This isn't a logic issue -- this is a one-upmanship issue. I think the problem is that DH didn't consult you on the whole plan before making a commitment that obligates both of you.

If he'd consulted, you would still have the issue of a potential disparity, but you would feel respected and the outcome would be a joint decision. Can you talk to him about this? Do you guys have rules to prevent this?

As to the disparity, it seems a bit off, but I bet he really misses his daughter and wonders when he'll see her again. Men don't express emotions -- they act, so this might be his way of expressing some hurt and longing for her.

If you want to finance your son's trip, find another time to talk about it, so that it doesn't look like tit-for-tat. You can always reimburse him later, right?

Oh, and when this is all over and you have quiet time to talk, come up with some agreed-upon guidelines for financing kid stuff. But I wouldn't do it until this is almost a memory.

Good luck. This is sticky issue.

Best,
~~ jennie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 9:13am

Hi and welcome jennie!

A little background. His daughter is 25, married and lives out of state. She is always welcome in our home, and when she is here, we usually have a very pleasent time. That only happens about once a year, and in between she has indicated she really doesn't want any direct contact from me. She is his only child. Her mother is still bitter over the divorce, and has threatened at times to disown her, if she shows any signs of having a relationship with me. She told B that when she is with us, she has a good time, she likes us, she sees what a good relationship we have (better than b and his ex). When she is NOT with us, she is resentful of how happy we are, and how unhappy her mother is.

He does NOT see her, because he doesn't like going to NYC, and so he has paid for many train tickets for her to come visit us. We keep our finances seperate, so I don't really care about that. This time though, I offered to use the air miles off my credit card for one ticket, if her DH couldn't come. I figured if her DH could make it, then they could drive, and my gesture was so she wouldn't drive alone. I just can't wrap my head around why we should be paying for airline tickets, so they don't have to spend four extra hours on the road. At their age, I use to drive 12 hours to go to Maine. There is almost this attitude of "sure we'll come visit, as long as it doesn't cost us anything". What if I tell B that we will pay for their gas and tolls (which would be far less than two airline tickets even with gas prices the way they are).

I have told my son that I (remember this is my money) will pay for their gas and food coming down. I did not consult B, as he doesn't seem to feel he needs to consult me. (Yes, Cheryl, tit for tat it is).

I really think the matter is settled. If he wants to fly them down, and then spend the four of five days they are at the beach carting them around, that's his choice. We will discuss it beforehand, so that there will be no surprises. I am getting anxious about it, because it sounds like the steps we took in order to not repeat the last visit where four out of five days was spent with his birth family, are now being repeated only for twice as long. So my vacation is turning into a "family visit" again, and my hopes of a real vacation, are being spent to fly his daughter down.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 9:15am

Dear Pam,

Hey, I want to come too..airfare paid for, a nice place to stay (and Guess who will be doing a lot of the cooking? Can you say "P-a-m"? I thought you could!). Oh wait...I am not an emotional part of your life ,and don't do anything to show I personally care about a FAMILY relationship with you. Geee...neither does B's daughter!

Just being facetious, of course. Actually ,I DO care about you and your life, and if you are happy, because I "know" you from this board, and you deserve and inspire that. That being said, I feel that Bob is "buying their presence", and that is wrong.(happens here alll the time with sks--grrrrr) I agree with Op that you are not his "partner" 24/7, and then all of a sudden,when it is his daughter, you can be left out of a major decision like that.

I DO see what he is thinking,though agree with others that it is flawed. From a male point of view, he is getting to see his daughter. It works for him. Men can have tunnel vision when it comes to Their kids, no matter How 'blended' families are. Case in point: we are taking 3 of our boys to a nice dinner for their birthdays,all in June, they are teens now. But...come his son's ACTUAL birthday, he will want to take him out Again, for yet another dinner. Gifts are ok, a cake is ok, but another dinner? That means we go again for both of MY kids? Redundant! Unfair, as well. But, it will BE that way, as that is how it goes with sk sometimes.

Not sure what you have decided to do about this. I am hoping that You and Bob can talk more, and he will see reason on this. Don't feel bad if he is still in a fog for a while, though. When a man solves a problem, even to the detriment of others sometimes, it "works' for them, because then they can knock it off their agenda and go on to the 'next' thing!

My thougths and empathy are with ya!!

very sincerely,
Pepper

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 9:39am

Hey Pepper, thanks!

He just forwarded an email from one of his sisters, about the family schedule down there. I sent him a note that I am getting "anxious" (not in a good way) about how much of the two weeks will be my vacation and how much will be "family" time with his family. It is not at all restful to me, and this is the one vacation I will get this year, because of his promise to give the airmiles and pay for his daughter to come down. I know it is two months away, but already I see the same pattern as two years ago (the last time we rented the beach house.)

I have asked for an agreement on the number of days spent going down to see his "family", and the number of days we will "vacation". I still consider having our children at the beachhouse a vacation. It's driving an hour to spend multiple with his sisters and neices and nephews and his parents, that drives me nuts. His father doesn't get around, so you end up just sitting at their house all day and night. I wish I could wrap my head around it. I have offered to go down and visit them at other times of the year, (just like going to see his daughter), but it just never happens, and then he squeezes too much (for me) into these visits. I told him he can take the car and visit, and leave me at the beach with a book and some beer and the number to order pizza. LOL!!!!

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 10:19am

Dear Pam,

May I cast my vote for the "beer/beach/book/pizza" for you thing? Honestly, I see that as a viable alternative. Especially if there have been other times suggested to see his family. I think it is Very reasonable to tell him, kindly and calmly, that this is your big vacation for the year, and it feels like the 'relaxing' part of it is slipping away, hour by hour! (or being 'chipped away" by everyone else's needs!). This is one of those times--and we All have them, where you might need to 'bark up' and say what you will/won't be able to do on this trip, as you said you planned to do.

But don't ya just HATE that hectic," a'wwww, mannnn..this thing is spinning out of whack and I am gonna get swept along on a tide I don't want to ride" feeling!?? Yuck. Stop the spin and put in Your 2 cents worth--after all, isn't Bob doing Just that? Goose/gander.

Sometimes I wonder why I have NO prob with my DH saying what he feels, and feels he Needs to communicate, but when it is my turn I feel 'selfish" barking my needs?! That is just loco, and I know it!

hang in there!!
very sincerely,
Pepper

Pepperjack7

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 10:46am

HAHA!! I know just what you mean about feeling selfish. If everything truly was equal from the day we were born, we wouldn't feel that way. B doesn't feel selfish either, and will justify, justify, justify.

We will get it all out on the table long before we go. It will be fine.

Just got some good news. I got a raise. Now I can pay for my own cruise. HEHEHE!!!!!

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 11:47am

Dear Pam:

Can I come on the cruise w/ you? lol I was supposed to go on a nice vacation w/ my friend on Memorial Day weekend, which was her 50th BD. The travel agent messed up the dates and then by that time, it was late and everything was booked. Now both of us are busy w/ our kids graduating from high school. My kids are going on a cruise for a week w/ their dad (I don't think stepmom is going, but I don't know). He really hasn't taken them on a real vacation in the 10 yrs. since the divorce. Plus my DD got invited to go on another cruise for free! It seems that her friend's aunt was taking her friend on a cruise and she pleaded w/ the aunt to pay for her friend also so she could have someone her age to hang out with.

So I have been really overworked for a couple of months and my lazy boss, a single man, can't help me out by covering some court appearances because he doesn't like to get up early! (I remember the days of having to get up and feed a baby before going to work, don't you?) I told my DH that we really have to schedule a vacation in Aug, which will be my 50th BD. He says, I know that Sarah (my 18yo) won't want to come on vacation w/ us, but maybe we could take the other 2 kids to the Bahamas or something like that. My reaction was -- maybe we could go to the Bahamas w/o the kids. lol Seriously, we really don't have the money to pay for the 2 extra airfares, larger room, food, etc. Plus up until last year, his DD and my DS really got along well. Then starting around Sept. they really cooled off their relationship, I think because of too much time spent together over the summer, but really he is 11 and she is 17, so by now, she has friends and doesn't want a little kid hanging around. So the thought of going on vacation w/ 2 kids who barely speak to each other in normal times is just too stressful to me.

But back to you. I think since this is your vacation, you should spend just enough time to make an appearance and say hi to B's family and spend the rest of the time relaxing on the beach, if it's not going to be fun for you. It's funny how his SIL couldn't come until someone was paying for his airfare. Since you & B keep your expenses separate, I guess you can't complain if he is spending money on his DD. He must really want to spend time w/ his DD and figures this is the only way it's going to happen, like if he tells her to drive (which he can't now that he's offered to pay for the plane), she might not come.

Well, I hope you have a good time and try not to stress for 2 mos in advance.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 12:49pm

Sure Liz, let's do the The RockBoat Cruise in January and get out of the cold. We will fly to Miami, and then sail to Ochos Rios and Grand Cayman, with Sister Hazel and a bunch of other bands and musicians. HAHA!!! It is a dream of mine.

Our money is seperate, but if he spends his on his DD and SIL, then when I ask to take a cruise, he won't have the money to go. So it still affects what we do together.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 1:11pm

I can understand that. How I wish that DH & I had kept our money separate, esp. when we just had to pay $900 to get his car fixed, probably because his DD hit a pothole and denied knowing how the car got damaged. Plus, my mother is generously giving me a lot of money toward DD's college where we will have to foot 100% of the bill toward DSD's. I guess the way I will look at that is that by saving the money on DD, we will have more to spend on DSD. Or maybe her grandmother will kick in (not likely).

That cruise sounds fun. My best friend, who I was going to go on the trip with, always wants me to go on vacations during the school year. Next year both her kids will be in college, but I still will have a 6th grader at home. During any school vacations, his dad will take him, but during the school year, it's really hard to get away. My DH goes to work usually at 6:00 a.m., where DS doesn't leave until 7:30. I wouldn't count on him getting to school if he was home alone (DSD leaves at 6:50 for high school). DH could probably go in late to work one or 2 days, but not more than that.

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