Ok, this is about the child disparity...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Ok, this is about the child disparity...
26
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 2:28pm

So, Cheryl, you need not read. LOL!!!!

Since you guys know that my oldest is switching to community college next year, a "funny" think happened last night. You are also aware that B's daughter doesn't give me the time of day, in between her visits. When she visits we usually enjoy ourselves.

So, B mentioned he hadn't seen his daughter since Christmas. We had issued an invitation for them to join us at the beach house for a few days, but she told me, they probably couldn't because of her DH's job. So B came to me, and asked about going to NYC to visit them, which I said was OK. A long weekend or something. Now B hates NYC, I love it. We always have to book rooms when we go there, because we are not invited to stay with them. So, I went to B and said "if tommy can't come, maybe we could give her our airmiles, so she could come to the beach at least".

Last night he offered to pay for airfare for both of them to come to the beach, that would be almost $1,000.00. Plus we would house them and feed them and be their transportation service. He offered this without discussing it with me. This for a girl who doesn't even acknowledge my existance. Hmmm...I guess when he told me, I was a bit shocked. I explained my offer to fly her using my airmiles was under that assumption that he was not coming, so she wouldn't drive alone. They do have a car. If both of them are coming, they can drive, just like my older son is doing with his friend. DUH!!! So B justified it, by saying we would be saving money by not going to NYC. Well, going to NYC wouldn't be expensive if they would open their house to us, but they don't.

I told B, if it's ok to give those kids $1,000 and a free vacation, then it's ok for me to pay for Ian's traveling expenses, isn't it? Like maybe I should give him $400 to cover the costs of driving down? And that way he can be saving his money for his tuition? It all seems logical to me, and B claims logic is the smart way to think. LOL!!!!!

It's all about treating all the kids equally.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 9:09am

{Yes, I am personally familiar with this as it is my family as well and I am currently struggling through some issues with my controlling, guilt-throwing mother regarding my little sister's wedding.}

Early on, I asked Bob to figuratively "step away" from the family pow-wow's when they all got together, and just observe what was being said, about who, and think about why. He is the oldest sibling of six. Five girls and one "young" brother. His father worked two or three jobs at a time, and was not around much. His mother was the alcoholic. Both sets of grandparents were alcoholics. His father has a good addiction. He being the oldest, and the lone male figure in the household, was put up on a pedastal by his sisters. He relished the adoration they heaped on him. He developed a larger than life arrogance, to cover up his own lack of self confidence. He had no "loving caretaker" to help him develop as a child, so he was completely stunted, developementally. This explained his addiction to porn, and his obssession with masturbation and being unable to relate on healthy intimate levels.

I tried to gain an understanding for the dynamics of his family. We now limit our time with them. He is so aware of their "circle the wagons" mentality, all the while talking about the love of God, and their Christian attitudes. I was shocked as an observer as to how "mean spirited" they were towards anyone outside the family circle. It was a matter of building themselves up. It was very unlike my family. Of all the issues I have, that was not one of them.

Coincedentally, today is his parents 59th year annivesary. Of all the siblings, two have been divorced, one never married but had a child out of wedlock, and three are married to their firsts. So there you have an example of the 50% within one family.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 6:18am

>>We have EOW to ourselves, because he is with his father then, and 26 weekends alone balances out the lack of vacation.
I can see where it would! That's got to be blissful and peaceful. My eyes are green because we always have at least two kids with us all the time.


>>If you have read anything about Adult Children of Alcohilics, you will know that the dysfunciton of such a large family is hard to break from.


Yes, I am personally familiar with this as it is my family as well and I am currently struggling through some issues with my controlling, guilt-throwing mother regarding my little sister's wedding.


Scotland sounds interesting. What time of year is best for a motorcycle tour?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 12:53pm

What will you do in the future for the family/couple vacations?

Since I have one child still in high school, we don't take "couple" vacations very often. Maybe once every two years. We have EOW to ourselves, because he is with his father then, and 26 weekends alone balances out the lack of vacation.

We have a tradition where every other year we go to the beach house. This is the first year we are staying for two full weeks. We invite our grown kids every year. We also have B's siblings and parents to the house at least once. They actually live there year round anyway. We have agreed that we will limit visiting his parents/siblings to three times, during the two weeks. If he is pressured to visit more (it's a recovering alcoholic family, in which circling the family wagons is the norm), he will go it alone. If you have read anything about Adult Children of Alcohilics, you will know that the dysfunciton of such a large family is hard to break from. Bob has done a stellar job, but they do try to pull him back into the dysfunctional patterns.

Every other year, we go someplace different. Next year will probably (hopefully) be a motorcycle tour of Scotland, and Sean will have his motorcycle license, so he will come with us. The other two kids, are really too old, have full time jobs, and should have their own interests. They will not be going to Scotland.

Bob and I really don't have any money issues. We have never fought over it, but we have butted heads over priorities. It's mostly the frugal lifestyle my mother drilled into my head. I have learned to spend money on "fun" things, much easier than I use to. Coincidentally, we are going to sit down this weekend and go through the finances, to decide on buying another motorcycle. I am putting money in to help send my youngest to China next summer on school trip. So we will sit down and figure out the budget. For alot of couples I think just the thought of talking money, might send them into a panic. B and I have let things ride for awhile, because we weren't really "wanting" for anything. We are both looking forward to making sure each other knows, where everything stands. I think it's a great relief.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 11:54am

I'm glad you worked something out.


What will you do in the future for the family/couple vacations?


Money issues is one of the biggest stressors in any marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 8:35am

That is exactly right Laurena. Fortunately, he is willing to back track and try to make things right. He is willing to admit he made a mistake, which though it does sound sexist, alot of men would rather "be right, than loved". B is the opposite. He will not fight just to be right or win his point and neither will I.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 3:49pm

Hi Pam

My guess is your DH did a typical (sorry for sounding sexist) male social thing of just responding without really thinking...

E.g., the offer had been made to fly the one child, when they said the spouse might come also, he didnt want to make the spouse feel left out, so generously offered to pay for spouse as well, WITHOUT REALLY THINKING beyond that point...

Sounds like once he looked at the bigger picture, he was on the same page as you regarding it all...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:53am

No Tam. Bob still expects me to buy one ticket and he would buy the other. The problem I had, which I no longer have because he is going to propose a more equitable solution to her, was that he expects my college son to pay his own way down, instead of he and I splitting his costs as well. So, point being, actually two points: 1) that he expects my oldest son to pay his own way, and 2) he still expects me to "pay" for his DD. Using my air milse was never taken off the table.Does that make it any clearer?

Now that he realizes he should never have made any offers until he had discussed it with me, he understands that he overstepped. He said if they ( his DD and her DH) are both coming, he will suggest they drive, and he will cover their driving expenses, and I will cover my son's. If only his DD can come, she can use the air miles (to avoid driving alone for 12 hours), and we will still cover my son's driving costs.

It is a compromise we can both agree on, without any resentment. That's the way it should work.

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 5:26am

I did read the whole thread. It was very emotional. Then it veered away from your OP.


Since B is your best friend and you each have your own accounts for spending, this saves you both from having the other nag or complain about how they spend their money. You had mentioned that it would affect you if B didn't have the cash to go on a trip with you because he used it on his kids. So logic says considering a joint vacation (only) account could be something to look at. Maybe in the past it wasnt, but maybe there would be less of an emotional reaction on your part if you felt "safe" about vacation finances and the ability for he and you to go on joint vacations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 9:45am

"Because they're B's kid and he wants to do it. He came up with an idea on his own and probably would like your support on it. You and him will find a way to make it work timewise and financially. Parents will move heaven and earth to do things for their kids."

Sorry Tam, you didn't read the whole thread. I agreed to "pay" for a airline ticket for her, because she said her DH couldn't get off, and I empathized with her driving all that way. It was actually my idea. When he talked to her, and she said they both would come, he offered to fly them both costing more the $800 dollars. They are adults, and they do have a car, and they can drive down.

And when the kids are that old, they need to move heaven and earth for themselves, or else we as parents haven't done a good job. I will NOT move heaven and earth for my kids, especially if it causes problems with my marriage. My marriage comes first.

Do you not think I was bitter with my ex? Do you not think I had moments of anger and resentment? I would NEVER bad mouth him in front of my children, or to my children. It is so simple. My children did not ask to be born, did not ask to be born into a dysfuctional family, and don't deserve to be hurt anymore by it. I DO believe the partner that uses the children in that way is selfish and immature, and deserves what they get.

And we do not do joint accounts. It's a good idea, but my vacations are with B. I enjoy being with B. We both like being with each other, more than anyone else. Again, I think you are forgetting that B is my best friend. We get one, maybe two vacations a year. One with the kids, and then if things work out, one with ourselves.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:51am

>>I just can't wrap my head around why we should be paying for airline tickets, so they don't have to spend four extra hours on the road.


Because they're B's kid and he wants to do it. He came up with an idea on his own and probably would like your support on it. You and him will find a way to make it work timewise and financially. Parents will move heaven and earth to do things for their kids.


>>I can't believe how selfish these mothers are


Sometimes it's harder for them to forgive what their partners did. Sometimes it takes them longer to forgive than it takes for you to move on. It's hard to fault those who are hurting.


>>if he spends his on his DD and SIL, then when I ask to take a cruise, he won't have the money to go


What about beginning a joint vacation account where you and B contribute to it equally from each paycheck?

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