Ok, this is about the child disparity...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Ok, this is about the child disparity...
26
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 2:28pm

So, Cheryl, you need not read. LOL!!!!

Since you guys know that my oldest is switching to community college next year, a "funny" think happened last night. You are also aware that B's daughter doesn't give me the time of day, in between her visits. When she visits we usually enjoy ourselves.

So, B mentioned he hadn't seen his daughter since Christmas. We had issued an invitation for them to join us at the beach house for a few days, but she told me, they probably couldn't because of her DH's job. So B came to me, and asked about going to NYC to visit them, which I said was OK. A long weekend or something. Now B hates NYC, I love it. We always have to book rooms when we go there, because we are not invited to stay with them. So, I went to B and said "if tommy can't come, maybe we could give her our airmiles, so she could come to the beach at least".

Last night he offered to pay for airfare for both of them to come to the beach, that would be almost $1,000.00. Plus we would house them and feed them and be their transportation service. He offered this without discussing it with me. This for a girl who doesn't even acknowledge my existance. Hmmm...I guess when he told me, I was a bit shocked. I explained my offer to fly her using my airmiles was under that assumption that he was not coming, so she wouldn't drive alone. They do have a car. If both of them are coming, they can drive, just like my older son is doing with his friend. DUH!!! So B justified it, by saying we would be saving money by not going to NYC. Well, going to NYC wouldn't be expensive if they would open their house to us, but they don't.

I told B, if it's ok to give those kids $1,000 and a free vacation, then it's ok for me to pay for Ian's traveling expenses, isn't it? Like maybe I should give him $400 to cover the costs of driving down? And that way he can be saving his money for his tuition? It all seems logical to me, and B claims logic is the smart way to think. LOL!!!!!

It's all about treating all the kids equally.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 1:22pm

Of course I still have a 15yo at home as well, but fortunately for me (huh?), his father lives within the school district, so we could go away and he would just catch the bus from his father's house.

I think 50YO deserves a HUGE celebration. I managed to have a surprise party, and then oh, I got married, and then ahhh...I got tatooed and bought a motorcycle. It has all the markings of a midlife crisis!

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 2:35pm
Well, DH already has the motorcycle (I just ride on the back) and he has enough tattoos for both of us, so that's out. Since my BD falls on a Sunday and I'm taking the week before that off for vacation. I would really like to go somewhere. I'll have to start planting that idea in DH's head now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 2:46pm

Don't you love that commercial, where the woman is standing around and her sons says "Mom, what are you thinking" and she says "I want new floors, but I don't know how to tell your dad...." and the boy thinks about it and then yells "DAD, MOM WANTS NEW FLOORS".

The direct way is the best way. Bob thanks me every time I actually come out and say directly what I want. I just told him I expect no more than three "family visit" days, and if he gets pressured into one more he will go solo. That will include any of them visiting us, as well as us going to visit them. Three. He says he will inform them of this, and then he said "does this sound selfish if I tell them this is first and foremost our vacation, and secondarily an opportunity for a couple days of family visits." I said it wasn't selfish at all. His sister and her husband and daughter came to Washington DC a three years ago, and stayed at Bob's house. We visited on night, but the rest of the time they were sight seeing, because they said it was their vacation. I wasn't offended at all, in fact, I rather like them!

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 3:34pm

For what its worth department:

My SO's adult SD has only come up here once a year at Xmas (not on the actual day of course)when dad has a bunch of presents waiting for her,pays gas AND gets her a rental car, so she doesnt get too many miles on her car (exW/mom is the one coaching her on the "too many miles" deal...meanwhile its just fine for dad to do ALL the transporting of the minor sons for EOW visitation...2 1/2 hour drive).

For his birthday weekend he invited her and live together boyfriend up here, he'd pay transportation, hotel, etc for weekend as much as they cared to stay...she didnt even acknowledge the invitation (was handed to her personally by younger son). And, of course, not an acknowledgement of his Bday at all.

The following month was her Bday, SO sent card/check...it was cashed, but no acknowledgement either.

ExWmom coaches her that this is all fine to do, because dad was such a SOB who left the family (mom filed, then got upset when SO doesnt continue to be at her beacon call after going through with divorce...and no other men will put up with her....!)

My own take on this situation is that DD doesnt even have that many bad feelings towards dad, but has to take grief from mom whenever she acknowledges dad, that she prefers to ignore him.

sad thing, but I guess that's easier than having her show up and have her transfer mom's anger onto me...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 7:48am

You make my situation look like a walk in the park. I have witness how the ex will damage the children with their badmouthing, and I can't believe how selfish these mothers are. I have/would never speak unkindly of my ex to our children. Nor would he do that to me. It goes way beyond selfishness, really.

B knows how I feel, and he says he will see if they will be willing to drive down (he will pay for their gas), if in fact they come. Apparently that hasn't been confirmed, he has only made the offer. Chances are if her mother finds out, she won't come anyway.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sat, 06-09-2007 - 9:26am

"You make my situation look like a walk in the park. "

Actually, for the present moment, MY life is actually easier, because she's simply not in it.

Nor is she in her own dads life, and that's sad, but the way it is....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 5:51am

>>I just can't wrap my head around why we should be paying for airline tickets, so they don't have to spend four extra hours on the road.


Because they're B's kid and he wants to do it. He came up with an idea on his own and probably would like your support on it. You and him will find a way to make it work timewise and financially. Parents will move heaven and earth to do things for their kids.


>>I can't believe how selfish these mothers are


Sometimes it's harder for them to forgive what their partners did. Sometimes it takes them longer to forgive than it takes for you to move on. It's hard to fault those who are hurting.


>>if he spends his on his DD and SIL, then when I ask to take a cruise, he won't have the money to go


What about beginning a joint vacation account where you and B contribute to it equally from each paycheck?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 06-11-2007 - 9:45am

"Because they're B's kid and he wants to do it. He came up with an idea on his own and probably would like your support on it. You and him will find a way to make it work timewise and financially. Parents will move heaven and earth to do things for their kids."

Sorry Tam, you didn't read the whole thread. I agreed to "pay" for a airline ticket for her, because she said her DH couldn't get off, and I empathized with her driving all that way. It was actually my idea. When he talked to her, and she said they both would come, he offered to fly them both costing more the $800 dollars. They are adults, and they do have a car, and they can drive down.

And when the kids are that old, they need to move heaven and earth for themselves, or else we as parents haven't done a good job. I will NOT move heaven and earth for my kids, especially if it causes problems with my marriage. My marriage comes first.

Do you not think I was bitter with my ex? Do you not think I had moments of anger and resentment? I would NEVER bad mouth him in front of my children, or to my children. It is so simple. My children did not ask to be born, did not ask to be born into a dysfuctional family, and don't deserve to be hurt anymore by it. I DO believe the partner that uses the children in that way is selfish and immature, and deserves what they get.

And we do not do joint accounts. It's a good idea, but my vacations are with B. I enjoy being with B. We both like being with each other, more than anyone else. Again, I think you are forgetting that B is my best friend. We get one, maybe two vacations a year. One with the kids, and then if things work out, one with ourselves.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 5:26am

I did read the whole thread. It was very emotional. Then it veered away from your OP.


Since B is your best friend and you each have your own accounts for spending, this saves you both from having the other nag or complain about how they spend their money. You had mentioned that it would affect you if B didn't have the cash to go on a trip with you because he used it on his kids. So logic says considering a joint vacation (only) account could be something to look at. Maybe in the past it wasnt, but maybe there would be less of an emotional reaction on your part if you felt "safe" about vacation finances and the ability for he and you to go on joint vacations.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 9:53am

No Tam. Bob still expects me to buy one ticket and he would buy the other. The problem I had, which I no longer have because he is going to propose a more equitable solution to her, was that he expects my college son to pay his own way down, instead of he and I splitting his costs as well. So, point being, actually two points: 1) that he expects my oldest son to pay his own way, and 2) he still expects me to "pay" for his DD. Using my air milse was never taken off the table.Does that make it any clearer?

Now that he realizes he should never have made any offers until he had discussed it with me, he understands that he overstepped. He said if they ( his DD and her DH) are both coming, he will suggest they drive, and he will cover their driving expenses, and I will cover my son's. If only his DD can come, she can use the air miles (to avoid driving alone for 12 hours), and we will still cover my son's driving costs.

It is a compromise we can both agree on, without any resentment. That's the way it should work.

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.