Step daughter and EX....Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2009
Step daughter and EX....Please Help!
Wed, 12-18-2013 - 7:49am

I will make this as quick as I can! I am 35 and married with a 17 year old son and a 9 yr old step daughter. I have been with my husband for 5 years, married almost 3 yrs. Long story short his ex wife has been single since they divorced 8 years ago. Their daughter has never been disciplined and literally gets every single thing she asks for. I did not raise my son this way, so this has been a HUGE challenge for me. She apparently now doesnt like me because even though I do my best to stay quite every now and again I say something when she is being a brat. She also needs medicine every time she is with us for some sort of issue, whether it be a cough, stomach ache, her ear hurts her finger hurts. Every single time she with us.

Saturday night she was up all night keeping us up saying her ear was red. If these were isolated incidents its one thing, but it is constant! Then was fully dressed in snow gear to go snow plowing with her dad at 3:30am. Then said she had a belly ache and wanted to go with her mom. I have NO idea what to do with this child. She plays these parents like puppets and NO one will deal with it. I am the bad guy always. My husband says its me and that I am stressed all the time ( I work full time and am a full time nursing student) so yes I am frazzled alot. Her mom is very different than me, she is calm and very religious and does not allow anything to be negative in her world, meanwhile I am running around like a lunatic trying to make life, a family, school a home and marriage work.

PLEASE give me some advice, I feel like this is ruining me. I feel as if I am on eggshells ALL the time, I cant say anything to her or I look like the jerk. I love this man and he treats me wonderfully BUT his child is a big part of his life and I wouldnt want it any other way.

Thank You!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 10:55am

I think this is a situation where counseling with a neutral 3rd party would help.  It's very stressful when married people have different ideas about how to raise kids and there's not that much you can do when it's not even your child and her mom has control over her most of the time.  

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 12-19-2013 - 3:03pm

I feel for you. 

My DH is kind of like you.  Tries to stay out of things but hey, we we are human.  Can't always stay out of these things. 

Honestly, all you can do is share your concerns, (don't tell him what to do) and go on with your life.  You have way too many other things on your plate to concern yourself with.  Focus on your marriage first. 

Now, if these parenting issues are affecting your M, then it may need to be addressed from a different prespective.  Kind of depends how annoying this all is.  How much of this really matters?

Some stuff I just don't get why my DH is so concerned about.  But he also has a way of seeing things that I dont.  So I still want him to share with me. 

I don't know if I was helpful at all.  Just coming from your DH's perspective.  Things are always more annoying when it is someone else's child.  Just no getting around it.  Try to let go of the little stuff and keep communication open with your DH.  Share your concerns with the bigger stuff then let it go. 

Try your best to develop a R with the step-daughter that will grow as she ages.  It will make step-parenting a little bit easier. 

Keep us posted! 

Serenity CL making a second marriage work.