Stepmom....acceptance from stepchildren

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2006
Stepmom....acceptance from stepchildren
22
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 7:20pm
I was wondering if any of you experienced step moms could tell me how long it takes for your stepchildren to finally fully accept you? For visits to feel comfortable and without tension. It has been two years and we have made tremendous progress. At times though I still feel like I am the outsider…the odd woman out. I often feel that I am basically just their father’s wife. I was unhappy that neither of my stepchildren wished me a happy birthday after their dad told them it was my birthday. Is this what stepmother hood is all about? I guess my problem is that I shouldn’t seek validation of myself as a person by the way my stepchildren treat me. I mean this is what I chose…to marry a man with children. I don’t want to be up there with “mom”- that is reserved for their mother and the fact that they only visit with us part of the time makes the whole getting to know you thing a little difficult since I don’t see her much. Just when I feel that I’ve finally reached the point where I am accepted my sd will make a comment about how horrible divorce is and how she is still devastated and will make comments when we watch movies and there is a step mom in it that step mother’s are all evil. It’s been 8 years since her parents divorced. Her mother moved on right away with a man and married and her dad had a few serious relationships before me. I had nothing to do with the divorce and her parents have clearly moved on so why am I being punished? They are never disrespectful or mean to me and I know from reading some of the posts that it could be MUCH worse. It’s subtle. Like on our one-year anniversary. My ss gave us both a big hug and said happy anniversary. My sd was sullen and said nothing all day. Any suggestions on how I can deal with this without taking it personally?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 12:49pm

Actually a 12 year old COULD get that idea on her own. It's discussed all over the TV on various shows.

You know, one thing B's therapist told him when he thought my boys were giving him a hard time, or actually he thought they were jealous of him, she said he was projecting his own fears into the situation, and they were sensing that. I had reassured B over and over again, that they were not jealous, that they liked him immensly, and the only thing that changed when we married and he moved in, was his behavior. Of course, he wasn't going to listen to me, and thankfully his therapist backed up what I saw. Sometimes having that outside POV, validates it more.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 9:34am

"and I'm hoping that someday they will eventually see that I am not doing anything wrong, and that they will eventually accept me as their father's wife and someone who makes their dad happy."

Even though they might understand you didnt break up their family/parents marriage.....as long as dad is with you, their hopes (and I think its common for kids to have these hopes on some level) that their parents will get back together are dashed....

so, that might (??) be one reason they are so cool to you, even there is no "reason"

EDIT; I see the exW already remarried.... :)....OK, so much for my theory...
now I'd suggest: chaulk it up to being a teenager....being sullen about something or another is the norm for many at this time.....




Edited 8/5/2007 9:51 am ET by laurena82

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