think DSD is taking money from me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
think DSD is taking money from me
21
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 1:31pm

well, that's the message in a nutshell--Yesterday I got up and found out that $10 was missing from my wallet. This has happened before, but sometimes I question whether I really had that amount of money that I thought and have to go through what I bought since I got the money out of the ATM. This time I was sure that it was missing because DS needed $10 for a field trip and I was saving that aside, plus I had another $20 (I'm really rich).

Now I believe that DSD is taking the money, but I have no proof. It just so happens that on that particular morning, she got up early to drive her dad to work at 6:00 a.m. so she could have the car and noone else was up. I had left my bag in the kitchen. My DD stayed up late the night before, so she could also have taken the money. The thing is that my DD has no problem asking me for money if she needs some--she'll just say I didn't have a chance to go to the bank, can I borrow $20 and give it back to you later, or something like that. The other time the money was missing that I can remember was another morning that DSD had again gotten up early to drive her dad to work and noone was up, cause it was on a Sat. I thought a $20 was missing, but that time I wasn't as sure. I knew I had gotten some money from the ATM and was surpised that it disappeared so fast.

This is so depressing. I don't want to have a confrontation about it w/ DH cause I have no proof and I don't want to get into a situation of blaming. All I can do right now is start bringing my purse into my room when I go to bed and DH will probably ask why. His DD has a history of lying. I know if I ask her, she will just deny everything. She can boldly lie while looking you right in the face. Over the last weekend, she had his car and ended up w/ 2 blown tires, a broken wheel and broken tailpipe. She swears she knows nothing about what happened--she was sleeping at a friend's house and just came out in the a.m. and it was like that. Since the hubcaps were also missing, I thought it might be that someone came by and slashed the tires and stole the hubcaps, but w/ the broken wheel and tailpipe, both DH & I are thinking that it was raining and she probably hit a pothole that she didn't see because of a puddle or something. I just mentioned "i wonder how that could have happened" and she doesn't say anything.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 8:57am

"There have been a few situations before involving the kids where my DH found out someone did something wrong and made it into a big inquisition into who did what and the "guilty party" never confessed of course. We agreed (the therapist & I) that that approach obviously didn't work and only makes the people who are not the wrongdoers suffer unnecessarily."

That's why when new "problem" emerges, I like to take the stance of NOT trying to get any one particular person to "admit" the the guilt, but just being VERY clear with ALL that this is not acceptable and will NOT be happening again.

Doesnt matter what happened in the past...just know that from now on, it WONT be a happening thing....period.

"DH found out someone did something wrong and made it into a big inquisition "

I think if I were in that situation, I might want to address the issue with the kids when DH wasnt there...then just quietly mention it to DH later, if at all....in fact, ...not even at all, if I thought he'd make a bigger issue of it..esp because you werent 100% sure it was missing...(only 99.9!)... all you're doing is stating what the accepted behavior at home is....you're deliberately trying to NOT make a big issue of it, but rather make a big issue of what IS and IS NOT acceptable behavior, so that it doesnt become an issue in the future...

I guess the "ostrich" method bothers me, and that's what I see SO and his exW have done/do do often...SO and I arent raising children together, so I tell my self to MYOB, but I can see the results of raging at kid for doing something wrong (exW) then ignoring it for many times when he does it(SO), then raging again because the behavior has continued(exW), etc etc. etc. geesh...the kid gets away with it 80-85% of the time, and just has to endure mom's rages periodically, ....its "worth" it to him to be able to do (whatever) if he can do it the vast majority of the time,and just endure periodic rages...he becomes immune to them....!

good luck, liz. Youve got alot of challenges....!

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