think DSD is taking money from me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
think DSD is taking money from me
21
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 1:31pm

well, that's the message in a nutshell--Yesterday I got up and found out that $10 was missing from my wallet. This has happened before, but sometimes I question whether I really had that amount of money that I thought and have to go through what I bought since I got the money out of the ATM. This time I was sure that it was missing because DS needed $10 for a field trip and I was saving that aside, plus I had another $20 (I'm really rich).

Now I believe that DSD is taking the money, but I have no proof. It just so happens that on that particular morning, she got up early to drive her dad to work at 6:00 a.m. so she could have the car and noone else was up. I had left my bag in the kitchen. My DD stayed up late the night before, so she could also have taken the money. The thing is that my DD has no problem asking me for money if she needs some--she'll just say I didn't have a chance to go to the bank, can I borrow $20 and give it back to you later, or something like that. The other time the money was missing that I can remember was another morning that DSD had again gotten up early to drive her dad to work and noone was up, cause it was on a Sat. I thought a $20 was missing, but that time I wasn't as sure. I knew I had gotten some money from the ATM and was surpised that it disappeared so fast.

This is so depressing. I don't want to have a confrontation about it w/ DH cause I have no proof and I don't want to get into a situation of blaming. All I can do right now is start bringing my purse into my room when I go to bed and DH will probably ask why. His DD has a history of lying. I know if I ask her, she will just deny everything. She can boldly lie while looking you right in the face. Over the last weekend, she had his car and ended up w/ 2 blown tires, a broken wheel and broken tailpipe. She swears she knows nothing about what happened--she was sleeping at a friend's house and just came out in the a.m. and it was like that. Since the hubcaps were also missing, I thought it might be that someone came by and slashed the tires and stole the hubcaps, but w/ the broken wheel and tailpipe, both DH & I are thinking that it was raining and she probably hit a pothole that she didn't see because of a puddle or something. I just mentioned "i wonder how that could have happened" and she doesn't say anything.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:15pm

Liz,

What I did when I found out Ian was drinking my alcohol, I sat down both boys. I did this because I hadn't actually "caught" Ian. I had no "proof" it was him. Of course, they both denied getting into the liquor. They are teenagers, they are male, and they haven't opted for honesty over fear of punishment.

A few months later, I actually did catch Ian late at night, drinking my wine. I told him he was not to ever do that again. It was illegal, and I pay for that wine, he doesn't. He knows that I do not necessarily agree with the drinking age in this state, but that I will follow the law. He also knows I didn't follow the law when I was his age. So, it's all down to trust and being honest. He compromises my trust in him every time he does something like that. THAT is what we talk about. Not the wine, not the money, but compromising the trust.

For you, you haven't "caught" her. You have found her guilty though, through deduction and I am not sure that is how to build trust. I would ask them all, each kid, and your DH. Maybe he "borrowed" it. I have found that B has done that with "my things" sometimes, and I thought it was the kids. Just a general announcement that the money is missing, and did anyone see it? Or take it meaning to pay it back but forgot to ask?

The advice I got about the alcohol (when it is only suspected) was to lock it up. I think you have to kiss this $10 goodbye, but make the kids aware that you know it's gone missing. Then, don't leave it out anymore.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:37pm

Yes, it's unfortunate when you can't trust the people in your own house. We have had several issues in the past, some as minor as who ate the dessert that my DH was saving for himself, where we have tried asking all the kids who did whatever, and they all deny it, which means that one person is lying. I just don't want to go to that scenario again. Maybe I will just ask my DSD privately, so that even though I know she will deny it, at least she will know I'm not unaware.

The thing is that the trust is not there because of so many instances in the past when she has lied, that unfortunately I don't trust her now.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:47pm

Liz,

I would not ask her, unless you were going to ask your DD and DS as well. I know that you "KNOW" it's her, but well...I know if I were her, I would resent that fact that you automatically assumed it was me. That is why I made sure both boys knew I wasn't making that assumption.

That's just my opinion. I would want an even playing field.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 1:48pm

"All I can do right now is start bringing my purse into my room when I go to bed and DH will probably ask why."

If you decide to let everyone know about the missing $, that will answer his question. If you choose not to do that, totally up to you, then do not worry about his question. Tell him, "this is where I want it."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 2:01pm

Liz,

I dont know the people in your household like you do, but if I were in a similar situation this is what I would do this time:

I'd say, in front of all, Hey, I'm missing $10 from my purse. I dont know if it was stolen, or what, but I just want to let you know that we dont steal money here. (say this with a stern tone of voice as if you know very well who and how, but you are not pointing fingers at anyone). If anyone needs money, ask, and we'll talk about it. (if she or someone gets defensive about it, say "hey, I"m not saying ANYONE stole anything, but I'm just LETTING YOU KNOW we dont steal from each other here, and I dont want to see this happening again")

I guess my bottom line when I have to talk with kids re: something they'll want to deny is that, basically, what's done is done,, and it doesnt matter who did it, if they did it, or when. I'm not asking ANYONE to confess...I'm just telling you outright I dont ever want to see this happening again.

end of conversation

leave the room

change the topic.

In my life, I've been fortunate, and very rarely have there been second occurrances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 2:13pm

Unfortunately, my DSD seems to have a lack of character sometimes. I do not blame her totally for this. I can see how because of a fear of punishment or being yelled at by her dad, her m.o. is to be very sneaky and deny, deny, deny. She will look you in the face and lie about having done things. I explained to my therapist that when there were past incidents of whatever and we sat all the kids down to try to find out who did something, noone confessed. This would make my DH upset. She agreed that was pointless, so she said to just bring the purse into my room to make it inaccessible.

I can see there is a lack of moral development. When children are little, they will not do something to avoid being punished, but as we become older and more mature, we are supposed to act or not act a certain way just because we know it is wrong, even if we won't get caught. Of course, a lot of adults don't act the right way either, otherwise we wouldn't have any criminals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 2:22pm

"I can see how because of a fear of punishment or being yelled at by her dad, her m.o. is to be very sneaky and deny, deny, deny. She will look you in the face and lie about having done things."

I think I would still want to lay it out there, that "we dont steal from each other in this house, I'm not asking anyone to confess, doesnt matter who, if, or when, but I dont ever want to see this going on again."

"She agreed that was pointless, so she said to just bring the purse into my room to make it inaccessible."

To me, thisfeels like sweeping the "problem" under the rug.

So, now she goes in your bedroom to purse, or finds some other cash someplace in house and takes that.

Might do it anyhow, but at least you will have put it out there in a non-judgemental way, what exactly the expectation is.

BUt, like I said, that is for me and my situation. I'm not walking in your shoes, or living your life....so I really cant say what's best for you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2006
Fri, 05-25-2007 - 5:35pm

If your SD needed some money, would she feel comfortable coming to you to ask for it?
I thought maybe she took it because unlike your DD she doesn't feel like she can ask you.

This also made me think of something from when I was a teenager though. Once a friend (so called) had been drinking and she tried to take her parents car out while they were gone and she wrecked it. I had been there earlier in the evening but was nowhere around when this all happened. To avoid getting in trouble my so called friend told her parents I did it. They told my Dad who just assumed I had and grounded me for a month. I was competely innocent and the thought that I could be innocent never even crossed his mind. So, just be careful about making assumptions. As someone else said, maybe your DH borrowed it.

Also makes me think of the other day when my DD had on a pair of cut off jean shorts. I asked her when she cut the jeans into shorts. I didn't care, I was just asking because she'd never worn them. She said "a long time ago". I went to take her clean laundry to her room and there were the legs to some jeans that had been cut right there in her trash can. I immediately assumed that for some reason she had lied to me, maybe thinking I would get mad that she cut her jeans. I sent her a text (she was with friends) that said to call me, that she had lied to me about when she cut the jeans and that we needed to talk about it. I was sure she had lied, because the proof was right there in her trash can. She called immediately and said "mom, before you jump to conclusions I did cut these a long time ago and the legs in my trash can belong to another pair I cut today but not to these, I did not lie to you and I will show you when I get home that they fit the shorts in my drawer". I felt stupid. She was right. I had made an assumption on what I saw, without considering any other possibility. So, please don't just jump to a conclusion about your SD without considering that what appears to be the case may not be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 8:59am

I agree that I think there should be general statement to the entire family. That was my reasoning behind not confronting only her. It is how I have approached things as well. You certainly cannot win unless you catch someone "red handed", other than that, a general statement so the guilty one knows you know, and that it is not acceptable, and that's that, period. You also have to realize, it may not "take" the first time, or second and each time there is incident, you can say that because the problem seems to be continuing your trust in everyone is dwindling. And then walk away. Don't allow the "Not me" syndrome to occur.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 10:39am

I bring my purse

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