think DSD is taking money from me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
think DSD is taking money from me
21
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 1:31pm

well, that's the message in a nutshell--Yesterday I got up and found out that $10 was missing from my wallet. This has happened before, but sometimes I question whether I really had that amount of money that I thought and have to go through what I bought since I got the money out of the ATM. This time I was sure that it was missing because DS needed $10 for a field trip and I was saving that aside, plus I had another $20 (I'm really rich).

Now I believe that DSD is taking the money, but I have no proof. It just so happens that on that particular morning, she got up early to drive her dad to work at 6:00 a.m. so she could have the car and noone else was up. I had left my bag in the kitchen. My DD stayed up late the night before, so she could also have taken the money. The thing is that my DD has no problem asking me for money if she needs some--she'll just say I didn't have a chance to go to the bank, can I borrow $20 and give it back to you later, or something like that. The other time the money was missing that I can remember was another morning that DSD had again gotten up early to drive her dad to work and noone was up, cause it was on a Sat. I thought a $20 was missing, but that time I wasn't as sure. I knew I had gotten some money from the ATM and was surpised that it disappeared so fast.

This is so depressing. I don't want to have a confrontation about it w/ DH cause I have no proof and I don't want to get into a situation of blaming. All I can do right now is start bringing my purse into my room when I go to bed and DH will probably ask why. His DD has a history of lying. I know if I ask her, she will just deny everything. She can boldly lie while looking you right in the face. Over the last weekend, she had his car and ended up w/ 2 blown tires, a broken wheel and broken tailpipe. She swears she knows nothing about what happened--she was sleeping at a friend's house and just came out in the a.m. and it was like that. Since the hubcaps were also missing, I thought it might be that someone came by and slashed the tires and stole the hubcaps, but w/ the broken wheel and tailpipe, both DH & I are thinking that it was raining and she probably hit a pothole that she didn't see because of a puddle or something. I just mentioned "i wonder how that could have happened" and she doesn't say anything.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2002
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 8:57am

"There have been a few situations before involving the kids where my DH found out someone did something wrong and made it into a big inquisition into who did what and the "guilty party" never confessed of course. We agreed (the therapist & I) that that approach obviously didn't work and only makes the people who are not the wrongdoers suffer unnecessarily."

That's why when new "problem" emerges, I like to take the stance of NOT trying to get any one particular person to "admit" the the guilt, but just being VERY clear with ALL that this is not acceptable and will NOT be happening again.

Doesnt matter what happened in the past...just know that from now on, it WONT be a happening thing....period.

"DH found out someone did something wrong and made it into a big inquisition "

I think if I were in that situation, I might want to address the issue with the kids when DH wasnt there...then just quietly mention it to DH later, if at all....in fact, ...not even at all, if I thought he'd make a bigger issue of it..esp because you werent 100% sure it was missing...(only 99.9!)... all you're doing is stating what the accepted behavior at home is....you're deliberately trying to NOT make a big issue of it, but rather make a big issue of what IS and IS NOT acceptable behavior, so that it doesnt become an issue in the future...

I guess the "ostrich" method bothers me, and that's what I see SO and his exW have done/do do often...SO and I arent raising children together, so I tell my self to MYOB, but I can see the results of raging at kid for doing something wrong (exW) then ignoring it for many times when he does it(SO), then raging again because the behavior has continued(exW), etc etc. etc. geesh...the kid gets away with it 80-85% of the time, and just has to endure mom's rages periodically, ....its "worth" it to him to be able to do (whatever) if he can do it the vast majority of the time,and just endure periodic rages...he becomes immune to them....!

good luck, liz. Youve got alot of challenges....!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 7:54pm

>>the therapist agreed that the best thing to do was simply to start taking my purse into my room


That serenity prayer is a good thing to fall back on - what's under our control, within our influence?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 10:15am

Well, I'm definitely the ostrich! That's one of the main things I want to work on is how not to be afraid to express myself and ask for what I want/need.

As far as the money thing goes, though, the therapist agreed that the best thing to do was simply to start taking my purse into my room. There have been a few situations before involving the kids where my DH found out someone did something wrong and made it into a big inquisition into who did what and the "guilty party" never confessed of course. We agreed (the therapist & I) that that approach obviously didn't work and only makes the people who are not the wrongdoers suffer unnecessarily.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 9:12am

LOL!!!! In my first marriage, I was the rhino and my ex was the ostrich. Neither style is conducive to a healthy, happy relationship.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 5:03pm

Some say there are two main conflict styles: rhino and ostrich. Rhino's muck things up by barging right in w/o thinking while ostriches bury their heads in the sand. Problem w/ buried heads is that necks are prime targets!


Use your counselor as your sounding board. Help her give you courage to tackle problems instead of sidestepping.


Tam

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-29-2007 - 11:57am

Would I want to know if my DD was doing something illegal? To be perfectly honest, sometimes you don't really want to know. I know that I had suspicions that at certain times my DD was driving w/ friends in the car. For ex., she used to go to church youth group on Sunday nights. The usual routine was that her friend A's parents would take them over there and I would pick them up. When DD got her license, she started driving. A didn't have her license yet, so I would say "what about A?" "Oh, her parents will drive her." I could have called A's parents to check to see if they were actually driving, but I didn't. I kind of knew that my DD was probably driving A, but I didn't want to know either because then I would have to do something about it. Yes, not the perfect parent. I did know that if DD got caught, she would have to pay the price of having her license suspended. I did tell her not to drive w/ other kids in the car. BTW, you wouldn't believe how many parents actually allowed their kids to disobey the law. Apparently, I was one of the few who at least told their kids to obey the law.

On the other hand, if DD was doing something like taking drugs or driving drunk, I would want to know that, because it could put her or someone else's life in danger. Maybe other parents would like to know everything their child does wrong, I don't know. I do know that if DH found out that his DD was driving friends around, he wouldn't let her use the car and he would have a big fit about it. Their relationship isn't good anyway. In fact, I overheard her talking to her grandmother on the phone, trying to convince her to let her move in after she graduates from high school. I'm def. not saying anything about that one, since who knows, by then grandma might move to a retirement home just to get away from everyone wanting to live w/ her. (her son who's in his 40's still lives there)

I did tell DH that I thought someone had taken money from my purse. Last night, when we were going to bed, he said he tried to give back the change from some money he had taken to get a coffee and he couldn't find my purse, so I told him why I brough it into our room. He just seemed very shocked, but didn't say anything else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:23am

I read an interesting article in the Washington Post this morning that neuroscientists have proof that morality, or altruism, is looking more and more like it is "hardwired" in the brain, and empathy is the emotional excercise for it. Now, since they have "proven" that the brain is actually "changable", the logic would be that basic morality, has been "re"progammed.

I just thought it was an interesting discovery.

Pam

Pam

The choices we make in thought, word and deed inevitably return to us in kind.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Sun, 05-27-2007 - 8:41am

>>I really don't want to "tell" on her
>>she was driving when the tires mysteriously broke at a cost of about $900, including the tail pipe


Wow - probable that the two things are related. Once in high school,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 4:37pm
unfortunately, the guilty party in this case, if it is in fact my DSd, really doesn't have much of a conscience. Her dad has brought up issues in the past such as people taking money from the jar in our bedroom. It still continues. We just repaired the car that she was driving when the tires mysteriously broke at a cost of about $900, including the tail pipe (that was the most expensive part - $600) She has no idea how this happened, so I don't think that guilt plays any part.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 05-26-2007 - 4:34pm

DSD has a part-time job, so it's not like she doesn't have any access to money. I know she only makes about $50 a week right now but then again, she has no expenses, except spending money for going to the movies. she's not a shopper.

As far as would she ask me for money? Well, she would probably ask her dad, except that he never carries money. lol A couple of times, she has told him that she didn't get a chance to go to the bank and she needed to "borrow" money for the movies and when he didn't have money, he asked me to give it to her. She also asked to borrow some money when she was buying dad a birthday present. I have of course, never gotten this money back. This summer she should be working more hours. The therapist asked me if I thought she was using drugs or alcohol. I haven't seen any evidence of this so I don't really know why she would need the money.

Now DD has reported to me that she saw DSD driving w/ other kids in the car. They passed each other on the road. This is illegal for her since she is not supposed to have other kids in the car for 6 mos after she gets her license and she has only had it one month. I really don't want to "tell" on her. I know that my DD must have done the same thing except that I never caught her at it, but I had my suspicions. I figured if she did get stopped by the police, her license would be suspended and that would be worse than any punishment I could give her. Teenagers sure give me a headache!

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