A tough weekend for my oldest son
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|Mon, 05-28-2007 - 8:41am|
I just wanted to write a little bit, because the upcoming days are going to be a little tough for him. I wrote about finding the cigarette butts in this window sill. Then Saturday, I got work from the University that he is in all probably not going to be allowed back in school in the fall. Academically dismissed. When I first got work I was did my usual. Ran through all the emotions I was feeling. I settled on three, anger, disappointment and sadness.
My oldest, I have said all along, has some real issues, which I take responsibility for. But he is at the point where, he has to be responsible as well for his choices. I explained the situation to Bob, who agrees we support him.
I fought with his father when he was in second grade. His father wanted him to skip a grade, at the school's suggestion. I was against it, because I thought it would cause too much emotional problems. The first year he was fine (he was in a TAG school, so skipping a grade was 'special'). The secondyear, I witnessed his 9YO breakdown. He went to a psychiatrist, and I tried to get my ex to go, and I went. School has been rocky for Ian ever since. Moments of shear genius, and moments of pure failure.
That's the background. He has a good group of friends (all a year behind him). Normal, typical kids.
So my anger I had to breakdown into what the fears were, that were driving them. Fear of me being labelled a bad parent, especially by his father. Fear of him being labelled a failure. Fear of him ending up like I was when I was 19. The first fear I dismissed because it was a selfish, self serving fear. The second is Ian's choices, not mine.
The third was very real. I want Ian to be happy (which I was not). I have tried, since the divorce, to make him feel safe (which he still doesn't). So, when he came home yesterady for the cookout, we went upstairs and talked. He said he had wanted to put it off until after the cookout so as not to ruin it for me. I said I had to put it out on the table before the cookout so we could move on, and enjoy it. He said he felt better, and now maybe he would be able to sleep. We talked about his three options, and we will discuss it more when he gets home tomorrow. All in all, I spoke to him out of respect and empathy and he in turn spoke to me with the same.
Bob as well, suggested that maybe he needs a year off. Let his friends catch up, and then he goes back. Ian may do community college for a year, but for that I will have to speak with his father about financing it. Ian of course, knows that he will be responsible as well...
So there you have the life of me this weekend. It was a great cookout!