Is Age Gap Too Big? For Longing4Him
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|Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:15am|
I went back and looked at the archives. The information I got was that you are 20 and he is 28. He lives in Europe and you live in Atlanta. You see him about every 5 months. Your parents won't let you date and you are worried about him being too old because he has life experience and you have none. Did I get that all right? You didn't give us a lot of information.
It would appear to me that your first and maybe your biggest problem is your parents. If you are 20 why won't they let you date? Why do they have or want that much control over your life? Are you in college, or do you live at home and have to go by their rules? If they won't let you even date the chances are they are not going to like any man you see no matter what his age is.
With regards to this man you are in love with, is he in love with you, or are you just friends (as far as he's concerned)? If you have never dated him then you don't have a lot to base being in love on. You have to be careful not to confuse a crush with love. Crushes are very real and even have a scientific name "limerence." You can't stop thinking about someone and would do anything to be with them or even hear their voice. Crushes can be based on nothing more than exchanging a few words with somone or even just seeing them from afar, for example a movie star. Love is based on shared experiences, goals and what you have in common. It is built over time while crushes can hit you like a ton of bricks out of nowhere.
You are right to worry a bit over the differences in life experiences, but a good partner will do his best to allow you to grow and develop within your relationship instead of trying to boss you around and control you. The two of you can grow together, but it has to be a mutual decision that you are to be allowed to make mistakes and learn about life.
I am 26 years older than my husband. When I met Dave he was not quite 26, had never dated and had a very restrictive upbringing to the point where he was not sure that dating and having sex was something he ever wanted to do. He was out of college and working a job that barely paid the rent. I knew that if things became serious between us that I would have to step back and let him grow and mature. He knew it to. It was scary, but we decided to go for it.
His mother had a cow, of course, but he made it plain it was his life and he wanted to live it with me. She was not happy, but relented when she could not change his mind. She had to start to accept it or lose her son -- he made it that plain. She is not my best friend, but she hosted our wedding and tries to be pleasant to me when we speak.
We have been together for about 3.5 years and have been married for 8 months. It hasn't always been a smooth path as he struggles to get away from his repressive upbringing and to mature and take responsiblity for his life and his half of our marriage. It my responsiblity as the older partner to give him the room to grow and learn.
An older partner does not have to mean a dominating one as many of the ladies here can tell you. It will be up to you to learn about him before things get serious to make sure what kind of man he is. But your first problem is your parents. You have to be allowed to date and start to learn about life. A relationship board can't help you with this, you have to do it on your own and I have a hunch it won't be easy if they are so over-protective.
I hope you understand that an 8 year difference in ages is only bad if the older partner is controlling. For myself, I have found it to be a wonderful journey as I see things through his eyes and they become new and fresh and marvelous again.