At a Crossroads

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2008
At a Crossroads
2
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 9:48am

I would appreciate any and all input!

I am 39. My husband is 55. As my biological clock is winding down, I am panicking about not having a child. I feel I am missing out on one of the biggest experiences in life. I married my husband knowing he didn't want anymore children. I thought I could live with that. He has two adult children from a previous marriage. He never really wanted children in the first place, it just "happened". He believes the children are part of the reason for his divorce of first marriage.

I know he absolutely does not want to have another child. How can I pressure him into this? We have a wonderful marriage and are "footloose and fancy-free", and he sees a child as changing all that - ruining it.

I don't know how I can live my life with the regret of not having a child. And I don't want to force a child on him.

Option: Divorce and have a child as a single mother? Leaving my wonderful relationship and financial stability? That sounds crazy. I don't know what to do. Is there anyone out there who has agreed not to have children and live with the regret?

Thanks in advance for your input.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 05-19-2013 - 2:44pm

The absolute worst thing you could possibly do is to pressure him into having a child.  What is his relationship like w/ the kids from the 1st marriage?  Is he close to them or does he just go along with the things he absolutely has to do?  He was up front with you and maybe you thought when you got married you'd be ok w/ not having kids--sometimes people do realize that they can't go along with that any more.  But it would not be fair to bring a child into a relationship when one parent does not want that child.  Yes a child would absolutely change your relatiionship 100%--he knows that cause he's already experienced it.  I am 55 and have kids from the 1st marriage (youngest one is 17.5) and I absolutely understand how your DH feels--it's like finally I am reaching the finish line since my life has revolved around kids for the past 24 yrs.  Being a woman, I'm too old to have more kids myself but I wouldn't even date a man who has young kids.  So you really have to decide whether you can accept things the way they are or take a chance when it's possible that 1) you would not find another DH, 2) if you did find one, you still might not be able to conceive a child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2001
Sun, 06-09-2013 - 7:48pm

Hi Guster_lover, welcome!

I agree that the worst thing you could do is pressure or force your husband into having a child.  

It sounds like you may need to do some soul searching.   Of course, there are no guarantees in life.  However, maybe you need to sit down and decide what it is that you can and cannot live with.   If you give up the chance of having a child and stay with your husband, do you think you will resent him down the road?  Do you think you may regret your decision?  Just the same, if you decided to leave your husband to have a family, do you think you may regret divorcing him? I know those questions are probably going to be hard to answer, since you haven't crossed those bridges yet, but I think that those questions are worth pondering.

Also, as Musiclover12 pointed out, there are no guarantees that you [general you] can conceive and give birth.  

Good luck with whatever you decide and keep us posted.

CL for 11 years