dating a younger men

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
dating a younger men
13
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:34am
Hi all..I'm new here with a question about dating a younger guy..I'm 39 and my fairly new boyfriend is 24..he seems a little embarrassed about the age difference and has yet to tell his family..he's a firefighter and was reluctant to introduce me to his friends at work but i told him they would think it was cool anf fortunatly most of the guys he works with are closer to my age and seem to pretty much approve..getting to the question..the general reaction to our pairing up has been our friends warning me not to hurt him well it seems to be me falling the hardest...i cant get a straight answer out of him regarding his expectations and was curious if i should bail before i do get hurt..i really thought i was going to be the one in control here and its not turning out that way..but i am crazy about this guy just dont want any more drama in my life..thanks!!

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Avatar for janegael
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:54am
Well...maybe not bail out but certainly take it slow. Don't be available every weekend, don't rush out when he calls...and boy is that hard! Do demand that he call you when he says he will and keep his dates with you. I have found that demanding to be treated with courtesy and respect is very important and makes him think more of you.

Dave and I didn't date, we met on line but when I came to meet him for the first time he took me to work to meet everyone. He was 26 at the time and I was 52. He was never ashamed of me. I guess that's what worries me about what you've said is his embarassment about the age difference. He is only 24 and that's pretty young and easily influenced by his peers.

I'm Irish and don't have tons of patience with procrastination (as Dave can attest.) I would tell him to do it or get off the pot. We are either together or not. You don't have time to wait for him to figure it because you can't wait until he grows up. That "grow up" statement really stings but it does tend to get their attention and make them do some self assessment. If he wants to date an older woman he has to act like an older man with manners, respect for you and for your relationship. If he has none, then you need to move on.

As for approval, we haven't had a problem with it. Everyone (except his mom) thinks the whoe thing is pretty cool.

Peace,

Jane


Avatar for smccwtg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:48pm
Well welcome to this board and let me tell you that there is a lot of women here in the same situation as you are. I am 32 and my SO is 19. We have been together for almost one year now and at first we met challenges such as the age gap and the fact that his family was against our relationship. But after a while, they turned around and accepted us. Age is just a number and I hope that your SO will come to the realisation that what he feels is far more important than people's reactions. Every relationship has its challenges wether there is an age gap or not. Just take it easy, don't pressure him but be very open for conversations about his insecurities and yours. Remember communication is the key !

Good luck to you and keep us posted !

Hugs

~Sandy~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 5:19am


Hi there,

Unfortunately I have to say that a woman of 37 and a man of 24 is most definitely a recipe for a crashing disaster, at least for the woman... I am 32, and had two what I thought were 'relationsips' with blokes of 22 and 20, both finished, both caused me a huge amount of pain, and I do not think that I'll ever get involved with a much younger man again... (note the 'much'!!! not excluding younger, just not MUCH younger!!;))

A 20-24 year old bloke is only just starting out in life, and basically wants fun, fun, more fun, and ..yet more fun; a 30+ year old woman has 'been there, done that, worn the T-shirt' and wants a quiet life with a permanent male fixture in it...

They feel invincible, they are faaaar too young to.. 'remember' that people get old and sick and when you're old and sick you'd want a partner by your side, they want to play the field, they want to sample all sorts of experiences; blokes of this age are nowhere near ready to contemplate the sort of relationship that a 32-37 year old woman would need to have in her life. It just does not work... you cannot expect it to either; think back to when you were that age - was a steady relationship, committment and marriage your priority??? No, and you're a woman!!

I do believe that an age difference between an older woman and a younger man would have to be 5 years at the most for it to work...

So basically, if I were you I'd prepare to enjoy a great few months inevitably followed by a break up.. if you feel that you can cope with this, go ahead, if not, then bail out before you get in too deep... (I know, easier said than done..)



Avatar for silverfoxsgal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 5:51am
I respectfully have to really disagree with your statements. {{{sorry}} For any relationship to WORK...regardless of age, wealth, health **anything** there must first be love. When you love someone whole heartedly everything comes clearer into view and things that maybe were very important before, become less so and vise versa.

A man who falls in love with a woman 10 or so years older than her is not necessarily going to bail on her when the going gets tough....that's what love is all about. With age comes all sorts of nasty things like appearance and health changes, caring for older family members, financial ups and downs...it's all part and parcel of the "person" you fell in love with..not the number of years they've walked the earth.

Perhaps it's that you had an unfortunate experience, but I truly believe that when REAL love is on your side, nothing (age related) can influence how you feel about that person on the recieving end of your affection. Yeah, sure, there are exceptions to every situation, but it has been my experience that deep love bends and molds itself around you and teaches you to be more accepting, more gracious and wiser. ~~~Silver~~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 8:22am
I am not arguing, I'm just trying to explain...

1. I envy the fact that you belive that there is such thing as double-sided reciprocated LOVE... You've been very luckly to not have been proven otherwise in the course of your life... Can I ask you how old you are? Love? Love? What love? There's lust, there's inital infatuation, there's respect, there's companionship... there's also unreciprocated wretched yearning for someone who for some reason or other does not want you, but I am certain that there simply is NO such thing as two people - especially and particularly two people of whom the woman is over 12 years older - wanting, needing and desiring each other equally and longterm. Apologies, but this is stuff of fairytales and does NOT exist in real life. I wish it did...

2. Even assuming that LOVE exists, there is simply no way on Earth that a boy of 20-24 is going to be mature enough to..feel it, understand it, give it - and particularly in respect of a much older woman. My God, show me a 20 year old boy with everlasting true LUUUUUVEEE on his mind and not sex and adventures, and I'll show you.. I don't know, a 10 legged elephant or similar...

I'm sure there are exceptions to both 1 and 2 somewhere in the world; I'm just as sure that not many people will come accross those in their lifetime.. including myself.

I think the best thing is to agree to disagree.. I do wish I could think the way you do though..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 10:14am


Woooow Sandy, you lucky so and so!!!;)))

Just wanted to say that as a fellow 32-year old with a thing for 19 year-olds (don't worry, unless you're into 6.ft4 lanky long-black-haired idiots of gothic disposition, I'm sure you've got a completely different type!;)) and we're miles apart!!;)) I'm very happy for you, and I wish you all the very best with him. You must have stumbled upon the one and only mature 19 year old bloke on this planet.... Well done!! How did you meet? Do you sometimes feel a teeeny weeeny bit like 'mummy'?;)) Just because I did with my ex-19 year old, and didn't necessarily dislike it....

All the best to you both!

Julia

Avatar for cl_melody216
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 11:17am
I am with Sandy and Silver on this one! Age is simply that. I do not feel that a person's maturity comes with how many years they have been on this earth but more measured on their experiences they have had and "who" they are. My DF is 15 years younger than my myself and to be very frank I have never, ever felt like "Mommy". He is mature, well rounded and intelligent. It is obvious that your experience with the "younger genre" has not left you happy or satisfied and that is unfortunate. I don't know the circumstances of these relationships but if you say it was the "age gap" that caused them not to work....then so be it.

I wish you much luck in one day finding and falling in love with someone closer to your own age so that you will get the love you so richly deserve.

Please keep us posted as it is always interesting to read your point of view.

Peace......Melody
Avatar for silverfoxsgal
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 11:30am
i wish you could think the way I do too...because with the attitude of never being able to have the "fairy-tale" (as you put it) you won't. What's the old saying..."you have to think like a winner to be one."

I get the impression from your post that it's LOVE in general that you don't believe exists and not necessarily in age-gap relationships... That is very unfortunate and i wish you the best in your quest.. although if you don't think it's out there...what quest is there really???

I'm not talking about the lusty, head in the clouds goofy love either...I'm talking about a mature respectful and balanced love that can come with any age. You asked my age, I'm 35 and my SO is 56...We've been blissfully in love for almost 3 years... ~~~Silver~~~

ps...and i have been proven otherwise in life about love...he just wasn't the right one, but that doesn't mean my heart shrivelled up.

Avatar for happyinsc2003
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 12:14pm
Just want to say: Sometimes people might get the impression that some of us here are "fairy-tale" and "pixie-dust" heads. Some of us are happy people who have found great (and much deserved) joy in an unconventional relationship. It makes me sad to think about how many people out there might be missing out on something just because "they might get hurt..."

Have I loved someone before? Yes. Have I had my heart, trust and faith broken before? Yes. Have I loved someone who didn't care for me as much as I cared for them? Yes. Do I beleive in "double-sided reciprocating" love? Yes. Why? Because I have found it. My S/O and I are in a very unconventional relationship. More than 20 years separates our ages. He and I truly love each other (love, care for, are concerned about, worship each other spiritually, mentally and physically)without restriction, reservation or condition.

And if there is a person out there who doesn't believe love exists, then what does it matter if a partner understands it feels it or gives it? I mean, if the person on the receiving end of any interpersonal relationship doesn't quite know what they want, then how can anyone (no matter what their age) give it to them?

As far as the type of relationship I (and many here on these boards) have with my S/O not being based in reality; well, our mutual love, care, concern and respect for one another is very, very real. And no matter what kind of problems our ego-based minds cause us to have with each other, our hearts and souls know that we will never be apart, that we are part of each other; that we are a symbiotic, reciprocating organisim of loooooove and we like it that way.

And there are exceptions to the way my S/O and I are; but if you take a look around you at some people on this board, especially, you will see happy, spiritual, love focused people who are lucky (or wise) enough to know that two people who share common interests of the heart CAN live together happily ever after.

I wish that you could think this way also. Looking at life this way, letting go of ego and freeing your heart to love is soooo much nicer than being so decisive about how things ARE. Things ARE what you make them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 3:11am


Happyinsc2003,

You've found it, that is why you believe in it. I have been looking for the last 15 + years. I haven't. When everything that you hold sacred gets crushed and trodden on not once, not twice and not three times but again, and again, and again, and again (repeat 100 times), you just stop believing all together. Maybe it's me, maybe it isn't. You are lucky, I am not. You are wise and clever, I'm not. You were in the right place at the right time, I wasn't.

I've resigned myself to the fact that this is how it will be for me - that if I don't want to find myself on my own when I'm 60, I'd have to settle for Mr Will Have To Do, and not waste another 15 years looking for Mr Right. As simple as that.

PS - haven't even found Mr WHTD yet, ha ha...

Julia

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