Up in the Air

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2011
Up in the Air
11
Sun, 04-17-2011 - 9:18pm
I'm new to this and was really just looking for a place to vent and get some advice...any would be appreciated. I don't have any friends with husbands or boyfriends in the military. No family in the military, so I'm really searching for advice.

I've never dated anyone in the military until now...He's 8 years older than me,divorced, has two kids and is leaving for an 8 month deployment next month. Alot to take on...
I feel a little inadequate here simply because I've never been married and have very little experience with children, which he's reassured me is not a problem at all, but nevertheless I still have that uneasy feeling. We are nowhere to the point of me meeting his children though, so we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

The predicament is that I'm already falling for him. Which is completely unlike me. I can go out on a date and not think of the guy again, but this one I can't do that with. I think about him...well I think about him a lot. He has been nothing but sweet to me, always has a smile on his face and usually brings flowers with him when he comes to see me.
We've dated not long at all and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2011
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 2:00pm
I had that same feeling of "Well, I don't want to be needy" bc I thought I was sending him too many e-mails while deployed. He said to me "noooooo. I love when you write me. It makes me forget about the bs here for awhile."
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2011
Thu, 04-21-2011 - 12:42pm

Thank you both so much! This site is helping me to bring things into perspective. I don't think I could live knowing I never tried...so I'm going to do my best and be supportive. I finally heard from him yesterday....and can you believe this... he thought I was being distant?!?! lol...i wanted to slap myself...just kidding but, I'm trying a little bit more to text him and call him now...especially now that I know he won't look at me as being the needy/annoying girlfriend back home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Wed, 04-20-2011 - 10:05pm
Wanted to jump in and agree with Mel that communication can actually be developed and make a relationship SO much better when it's all you have. Our relationship is definitely not perfect by any means, but because phone and internet was all we had, our communication is significantly better than any other relationship I've had.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Wed, 04-20-2011 - 8:55pm

First, welcome to the board. I apologize for taking awhile to respond to your post (my son and I are both dealing with what I'm positively convinced is the worst cold ever to afflict anyone), but I'm glad some of the other ladies were able to help.

The simple truth is that whether a relationship involves the challenges set forth by the military or challenges that can be found in any relationship, there are no guarantees. Even if he worked a regular 9-5 job with minimal risk a block from your house, you could devote yourself to the relationship 8 days, 8 weeks, 8 months, or even 8 years and still be hurt in the end. Love, like many other things that make life worth living, involves risk.




iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Wed, 04-20-2011 - 8:12pm
While my FH did call every day that he was on leave with his family, shortly after meeting, when he initially PCS'd to Texas I didn't hear from him much at all, especially in comparison to before, and actually very nearly ended the relationship over it, until he realized just how upset I was about how little he was making an effort to talk to me and he changed his efforts.

However, that doesn't mean this will apply in your situation. It's again all about personal preference and personal choice, whether or not you can deal with it, and whether or not you can trust that he really is just busy/distracted. That being said, the military is not always an excuse for poor communication. With the exception of being on training while stateside, and of course during deployments, most of the time lack of communication is a choice they're making, whether intentionally or just by allowing themselves to get wrapped up in other things. Honestly though, no matter how much we all tell you and how good our advice may be, every person is different, even if they're in the same branch with the same job, and it's going to depend on communication between the two of you
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2011
Wed, 04-20-2011 - 2:02pm

Yes, that makes perfect sense. I'm so glad to be talking with someone who has a some military-dating experience.

So I want to ask you this question and see what you think. He's on leave right now visiting family...has been since sunday. I've gotten maybe two-three texts that just say hi or something like that. No phone calls. Nothing regarding me, like asking how I've been or how my day was. I've texted him a few times asking how it's going and telling him I hope he's having a good time. I called once...and got nothing back.

Before this, I got a phone call atleast once per day and he texted me all the time.

So, all my non-military support says forget it. Don't waste your time on him. But the thing is I like him and I can't seem to just quit. I did ask him if something was bothering him once, he just said no, and that he's extremely distracted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Wed, 04-20-2011 - 12:24pm
I struggled with the same thing. I didn't want to get hurt. But in the end I decided, I already cared so much about him that if I ended it before we had a chance to see where it was going to go, that I was going to get hurt then, too. At least the second way, even though it may hurt more, there wouldn't be any "what if's". Does that make sense? It's all a matter of personal choice and deciding what is most important and what is going to work for you.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2011
Wed, 04-20-2011 - 9:11am

Well,

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2011
Tue, 04-19-2011 - 7:07pm
I agree with the other girls and you sound a lot like me.

The hubbs and I had been dating for about 3-4 months. He bought up the bf/gf talk when he was getting ready to leave for Germany. He did and we decided to keep things going long distance.

Shortly after he got there, he found out that he was going to deploy again. I wanted to slam on the breaks bc I didn't know if I could have the strength to be with someone who was in a warzone. I also didn't want to break his heart and have something happen to him. I know I couldn't look myself in the mirror everyday if that happened. I had a long talk with myself and decided that I wouldn't know if I was strong enough until I tried, and I wasn't really comfortable walking away without trying. So I took a leap of faith and hubbs and I have now been married a little over 2 years.

It doesn't always end happily, but you never know what can happen if you give it a shot. Do you feel like he's worth it? Can you see a future together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Mon, 04-18-2011 - 12:29pm
Welcome to the boards. I have to agree with a lot of what Tricia said. When I met my FH he had just came back from his first tour in Iraq (15 months) and was not-quite divorced from his ex-wife who had cheated on him while he was deployed and he came home on R&R right before Christmas to a court date that she set up, knowing he would be home at that time. With everything he had gone through, he wasn't looking for a relationship AT ALL, but despite that we immediately clicked and from the day we met, talked every single day either by text of phone call practically up until he deployed again in March of the following year. Now, with all that being said, it was mid-May when we met and he asked me if I wanted to be his gf officially towards the end of June. We had only seen each other twice in that period of time, because a week after we met, he went to California & Ohio for his post-tour 30 days leave (I'm in Georgia). I agreed, and we worked out the logistics from there. We lived 250 miles apart from each other at that period of time and we also knew that beginning of October the Army was sending him to Texas. We sat down and talked (on the phone) about whether we wanted to continue building our relationship as it was and try to work it out long distance with him in Texas, if we wanted to scale back and just be friends, or if we wanted to date casually over the summer and revert to just friends once he moved to Texas. After *several* long talks about it, we decided that we didn't want to scale back, and wanted to keep building our relationship, we would decide what was going to happen when he moved to Texas closer to time. Well, by end of August he'd already told me he loved me, so obviously we were going to try to make the long distance work. He moved in October, I visited in December (day after Christmas through New Years) and again in February (right before Valentine's Day) with him buying my first ticket and my dad offering to pay half for the 2nd ticket so that I could see him again before he deployed. He deployed in March, I graduated with my Master's in August. I started looking for jobs in Texas and moved out there the week before he came back from deployment. We lived in Texas until October of last year when his contract with the Army ended and moved back to Georgia to be near my family. We bought a house in December and he proposed in January.
So I guess my point is, if you sit down and talk about everything. About where you stand and what the "guidelines" are during his deployment, so to speak, you can absolutely make it work if it is meant to be.
Good luck! Stick around and keep us posted :-)
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