Help. Deployment & Relationship Questio

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2007
Help. Deployment & Relationship Questio
2
Sun, 09-20-2009 - 10:28am

Hey all, I am in need of some sage advice from those who have been there and done this in regards of being involved with a military person. ;) I never been involved with someone from the military before, especially someone who is deployed so any advice would be appreciated!


I have two questions. The first one

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Sun, 09-20-2009 - 1:43pm

Hello, and welcome to the board. I'm Melanie, and my husband, Tom, has deployed twice (more than a year each time) -- once before we met and once after we married. You have a lot of questions, so I'm just going to address them by paragraph.

First, sporadic communication during a deployment is extremely common and is practically guaranteed during times of movement, particularly just prior to redeployment (i.e. homecoming). Remember, many times, they have been in a location for a year or more, and that requires a good bit of equipment and infrastructure. Everything has to be accounted for and either packed up and shipped back to garrison or passed along to the unit taking over. In addition, the transition of power can be extremely hectic. In other words, there's a lot to do -- and it's also often done as some of the communication infrastructure is being broken down (i.e. if internet has been networked through quarters, that network will likely be shut off).

And while I know it seems like he should have more stable access while at a larger camp/FOB, that's not necessarily the case. Those places are HUGE, and often, the computers/dining hall/showers/etc are more than a mile from quarters and accessible only on a schedule because of the number of people sharing them. In addition, he may not have any idea how long he'll be at any given place. There are usually several stops between the area where he was deployed and the plane home. He could be at any of them for anywhere from a day to a month or more. It takes a lot to move 100-200 people at a time!

All of that being said, I would be a little wary. It's not impossible for relationships that begin online during deployments to become successful offline relationships, but you should be aware that it's atypical. Deployments aren't typically a time when soldiers are focused on beginning long-lasting relationships. In fact, and this is unfortunate, many soldiers end up starting relationships to fulfill the immediate need for social interaction. The reality is that while deployed, soldiers exist in a vacuum away from everything but work. They don't have any of the distractions of daily life: no family, no friends, no easy access to restaurants/movie theaters/social events...none of the things a real relationship has to work around and within...and, whether it's intentional or not, when many soldiers come back to those things, the relationship that was so important while overseas loses its place at the top of the priority list.

My best advice is to take it slow. Redeployment, as I said, is an extremely busy time. Even once he arrives home, he will be dealing with reintegration and then will likely be given leave. While he might want to see you then, I wouldn't count on it. Most soldiers I know use leave to decompress and catch up with family and close friends. One guy I know went as far as to say, "If you're not my family, I don't want to see you in the first month unless it's just for a one night stand." In any case, every one is different. Personally, I would send him an e-mail letting him know that you understand it's a busy time and hope to hear from him as soon as things settle down. And then leave it at that. The ball will be in his court, and you're free to pursue other options or remain open to him as you see fit.

By Dedi (mom2jess_n_ky) on iVillage Sig Showcase

Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker




PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket
PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket
PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket
PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket
PhotobucketPhotobucketPhotobucket



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-25-2007
Sun, 09-20-2009 - 3:26pm

Thank you Melanie for your warm welcome and everything you wrote. You gave me a lot of good advice and