Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Need some advice
5
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 4:34pm

Girls, I never thought I would be asking this, but I really need some marital advice.


Lately, it feels like Claudio is angry with me half of the time. Sometimes I know exactly what I have said or done, but at other times, I don't understand what I could have done differently. I often feel like I'm backed into a corner where whatever action I take, it will be construed as being against him.


I know that a lot of his anger and frustration stems from a few things: (1) he feels like a prisoner living in the US because he doesn't have

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2006
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 5:31pm

Gosh Marin, I can honestly say I am clueless as to how to proceed. Any one of the situations you described - living with parents, living in a new country, not having a car, not earning an income - is a huge stress on a relationship, and you seem to have them all swarming together to make the perfect storm. I know, regarding the finances, I am in the opposite situation, and Ed is the breadwinner right now. As of this week, I've been unemployed for ONE YEAR and I hate taking Ed's charity. I know it's "marriage, and you share everything", but that's not how I feel, and I'm sure it's not how Claudio is feeling either. I hate it and feel utterly useless.

Again, I know you need actual advice but I just don't know what to offer. I have a feeling that once he finds employment and you two start saving money, can afford your own place, or transportation, things will improve, but until then just keep the lines of communication WIDE open and make sure you let him know you understand how hard this situation is for him. I'm sorry you're dealing with this :(


Photobucket



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 7:45pm

I'm sorry that this transition has been such a tough one Marin!

Image hosting by Photobucket

CL on

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Wed, 10-14-2009 - 9:23pm
Oh Marin, I'm so sorry you guys are having a hard time right now. I'm going to second Erin and Jen, I agree with them. I'm sure after things get more settled in, it will get better. Moving to a totally new place and being couped up in the house with no vehicle and no job would definately be hard, and as soon as even one of those things are changed (i.e. Getting a job or a car) it will get better. Hang in there hun, and I defiantely agree with keeping the lines of communication open is extremely important. Even when you don't want to talk to him... ;) (((Hugs)))

Photobucket


www.MyVacationCountdown.com Ticker

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 4:09pm

Girls, thanks for the advice and encouragement. Claudio and I talked about some of this stuff last night. While we haven't resolved him getting upset with me, we at least talked about some of the things we can do at the core to make him happier. He'll probably take a vacation somewhere, perhaps back to England, which I think would be really good for him. I would love to go, but sigh, I don't have the time off (and am saving it for a big trip to Brazil at the beginning of the year!). He also visited another Toastmasters club over lunch today and met some really nice people. I think that doing things like that where he interacts with others more often will help tide him over until we can find a permanent solution (i.e. finding a place where we both "fit in")


And if you could send vibes that Social Security get their acts together and issue his SS card - we applied 2 months ago, and they still haven't sent it. Immigration was much more efficient!!! (which is ridiculous considering that immigration has to do a lot more background checking). This is a major hold-up for us - Claudio can't get a drivers license, bank account, etc. until he has a SS card.


:-) Marin

Photobucket
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2008
Thu, 10-15-2009 - 6:07pm


Oh Marin, i'm so sorry to hear about the situation with Claudio, but i'm glad that you two talked and sorted things out a bit. You two always seemed like a lovely couple and i'm more than sure that this is just a blip in the road - something you will look back on and either laugh about or be proud that you overcame together. I read this yesterday and have been mulling over it for a bit. If it counts for anything, you sound like you are trying everything that you can to accommodate and understand Claudio. To me, it seems like you are being as encouraging as possible and that you are giving him every option you can think of to exercise a little independence in this new place.


You must be emotionally fried. I encourage you to take some time for yourself everyday (outside of work b/c we all know that that doesn't really count). Even though right now you don't feel like you can go see your friends without Claudio getting upset, maybe you can just take 30 minute breathers without him - take a bath, read a book in a different room, learn to knit...something that will help you relax so that you don't unintentionally snap at him one day


As for Claudio: i can't imagine what's it's like for him to have to deal with so many things (in addition to the boredom). I read somewhere once that guys (or all humans?) need a sense of purpose. Maybe you can gently ask him to do things for you while you're at work - fix the leaky sink, figure out how to use all that left over cheese before it molds, research the solar panels you will get for your house. Also, maybe you could encourage him to be a volunteer for something. I know you mentioned that he doesn't like to do things without you, but you can start small. I know that there is an online tutor program for kids. I was looking into one where you read the same books as the kids and help them analyze and do book reports all from the internet (no car needed!). He could join big brothers/big sisters or something equivalent to that.


In the end, i guess i would suggest just taking care of yourself when you can't figure out what else to do. If you get worked up and stressed, he'll feed off of this. Sometimes people just want to be grouchy and can't be cheered up for an evening. If he's feeling down and you've tried everything that you could think of that day to make things better and he's still not responding, maybe just end it all with a "i love you", take a deep breath, and think that tomorrow will be better.


Hang in there and keep us updated! Also major vibes for the SS card!!! :) ::big hugs::