New and Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
New and Confused
7
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 6:38pm

Hey all. I've been reading posts for months. Glad to finally be joining in. I've got a doozy, I'll try to keep it short but it's gonna be tough.

I have an ex, first love, 10 years ago, etc... He called me 3 years ago from Iraq, I wasn't ready to communicate. We reconnected this year while he's in AFG. Same ol' story, things go great, talking all the time, etc...
Then a few months into it communication got really bad and has been that way since. WHEN we talk, it's great. It's strictly online (and I sent one care pkg). Due the past I wasn't ready for more and now it would just be weird. We're not at that stage where calling for five minutes of expensive, broken conversation is necessary. I don't know that he has time for letters. He now no longer has regular internet access and is in a tent. I finally broke down and offered both (calls or letters, after losing internet), but no response.

I can tell you a few positives on his behalf. He says the right things (no charm, no trying to convince me, clearly not playing me). He says it's unintentional, and he's sorry. Wants to come home, wishes he could be here and could help (just had surgery and lost my job). I even got an "I'll be home soon" a few weeks ago. I am certain he is not lying about stuff because evidence backs it up. He MAY be holding back or hiding stuff, reasonably due to circumstances. He also admitted to some serious issues...relating to deployment and mission, around Thanksgiving.

There is so much to analyze but I'm torn between "he can't help it" and "if he really wanted to make effort, there are ways." Every situation is unique and this is no exception, with our history. But it is HARD to believe. With Christmas, New Years, V-day, my B-day and surgery all passing with hardly a word, the last 3 months have been worse than the previous 6. I'm not basing my life off of this, He knows very clearly I need him here in person to move ahead. But, concerning the last bit of separation and redeployment I have questions.

First...is this normal? The actions not adding up to the words? I can't stress enuf, this is not an 18-yr old crush. We are mature adults who have moved very slowly and restrained appropriately. I am not at all being used. At worst, he would be pulling away for whatever reason...which unfortunately just sometimes happens. But I just honestly cannot tell.

Second, am I okay just letting things lie in his hands for the next communication? I know it's stressful, I know it's hard. I WANT to be there. But I am going through my own stuff too (above surgery and job loss). I don't want to beat a dead horse when I don't know what is going on. But by leaving him the rains, I risk not being there when he needs someone and I know very well that the alternate support system is not great.

And lastly, what do I expect when he is back? The fantasy of course is that I'm top priority and we spend lots of time together and things progress. But in reality there is re-adjustment and we are not a couple. He will return just as my recovery is over (4-6 more weeks), so I'm not losing anything by waiting. But I'm afraid that a month back without getting together be too much for me.

As much as I'd like to say that "we are different" and "but this special"...we are just like everyone else and have the same struggles. I have never dealt with military before. I am more than willing to do so, when I know it's worthwhile but am having extreme difficultly judging "worthwhile" in these circumstance. Any insight would be great appreciated!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 6:59pm
Hi and welcome to the boards, glad you jumped in and finally started posting! I'm Megan and my BF Tru is active duty Army based at Fort Hood. When he returned from deployment in December I moved out here and we are now living together. I don't have a lot to say specifically related to your post but I wanted to welcome you and I'm sure there will be others with more input for you. I will emphasize though that every one of us here have had different experiences with the contact during deployment. Not only does it vary from one branch to another, it can vary from one unit to another, one deployment to another, or even one mission to another. There were VERY few phone calls while Tru was deployed, and mostly just when I asked him to call so I could hear his voice, so the majority of our contact was online, though that could go a couple of weeks at a time without hearing anything. There's no real way of knowing what is "normal" for communication during a deployment and it's going to be up to you (and him) to determine if he's putting forth his best effort or not. Good luck and please stick around! The ladies on here are wonderful support!
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thanks to mom2jess_n_ky for my siggy!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Thu, 02-25-2010 - 8:30pm

In a nutshell, I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to simply concentrate on taking care of yourself and your own business until he's in a better position to play a more active role in rebuilding your relationship.

The reality is that it's very common for communication to lag in the few months prior to redeployment. There is a massive amount of equipment that must be packed up and shipped out, they have to transition power to the next unit, etc. He will also likely be quite busy immediately upon his return. Most units have to work at least a mandatory seven days immediately after their return (weekends, holidays, etc don't matter), and it's common for a certain number of people to have to be back and through briefings before any leave is granted (e.g. after my husband's most recent deployment, 70% of the brigade had to be back before block leave began). The good part is that most people seem to get a month of leave once leave is granted. That being said, it's a good idea to be realistic about your expectations during that time. While it may be important to him to see you and work on your relationship, it is also likely to be important to him to reconnect with family and other friends and relax. The best thing you can do is take it all one day at a time.

By Dedi (mom2jess_n_ky) on iVillage Sig Showcase



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 12:45am

thanks for the support :) Yes, I will be sticking around the forum. Even if I wanted to quit now, I can't, it's too close to the end. No matter what happens, it has been more valuable than words can describe to repair the past between us, regardless if things move forward or not. I appreciate the truth...it's up to me and him to determine. I've asked myself the whole time, do I trust him, what he's saying? Sadly for us having a past means we're rebuilding trust and this just isn't the best situation to do it in. I think the worst is over...no more holidays in the next 4-6 weeks!

thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 12:55am

Thanks for the elaboration on the process. I expect it to be busy now...I remember what it was like when he got there. Little did I know we started talking about 2 days before the hit location. That is one thing that has helped...seeing that there have been lags from the beginning, though never this bad.
He is in guard, so I don't expect his time to be tied up like it would otherwise, when he returns. But he has a job waiting and I know him...he will start working sooner than he should. I am just PRAYING he will let me know he's back before going back to work so I can talk to him about it first.
These next 4-8 weeks are gonna SUCK! But I'm a big girl, I can handle it. I can handle losing him too...I already did once! Just hate not knowing one way or the other.

thanks for everything! probably won't post again till I hear something as I'm not really part of the military life right now and this is really the only part I have in it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Fri, 02-26-2010 - 9:10am
It's fine if you want to be quiet, but it's also perfectly fine if you jump in and post anyway! We have many members who have moved on from life near the military.
By Dedi (mom2jess_n_ky) on iVillage Sig Showcase



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2008
Sat, 02-27-2010 - 8:03am

Hi! I just wanted to say hello and introduce myself. I'm Mary/28/Maine and my veteran is Ryan/24/Maine.

I know you've already received great advice so I just wanted to say hello :)



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Thanks Lauren for my beautiful siggy!




The WeatherPixie


My MaryKay Site!

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Thanks Lauren for
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Thu, 03-04-2010 - 1:20am

Thanks girls :) I found out the other day it will be late april...uhhh. That means 8 more weeks! I have to say it got worse before it got better, but I've just had to accept the situation for what it is and make my plans. VERY UNFORTUNATELY, I will probably be out of town for 2 weeks when he gets back and another week busy with family obligations. I think by the time we see eachother he may be working and we'll be doing the normal life thing instead of taking time out just for eachother.

It bums me out because I really wanted something special here, everything has been pretty special up to this point. But I'm trying to see things in terms of my life and what I want to go for, and being open to compromise and change should we decide to have a relationship. It's hard when you know (think) it's right there but I honestly expected things to be so different after 9 months and they aren't, due to us not (being able to??) communicate. I don't want to hold back on my own life in hopes of something else I THINK may happen.

Something I didn't share earlier, my surgery was an endo-related issue and I need to seriously start thinking about kids while I go though treatment for the rest of this year. That of course, has impacted this whole thing. I just feel like it needs to happen, or not, but I NEED to know either way to make the best decision for me. Of course he doesn't know all of this yet...not really appropriate to put that on someone when they are overseas and NOT in a relationship with you :)

I'm a little fearful about what will happen in the meantime, of course since friends and family found out (about the fertility stuff)they want me to meet guys left and right. What can I say, life is unexpected. So not the place I thought I'd be in, in March.

Anyway, enuf rambling for now! I've pulled my big girl pants up and I'm moving forward hoping for the best. I hope I can come back in a few months with good news...whatever it may be! Thanks for the support!