New and unsure

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
New and unsure
Tue, 09-20-2011 - 12:23pm
Hi all. I'm new to the board and looking for some common ground with others involved with a military man. My story is a little complicated, but I certainly appreciate some insights from you.

14 months ago I met a great military guy while we were both on vacation. Me early 30s, he early 40s. We hit it off and kept in touch after our trips though I never thought anything would develop as I live on the east coast and he is stationed on the west coast. We got to know each other by text, email and then phone for about 9 months until we planned our first date -- a long weekend on a beautiful little island this past March. I thought it might be a carefree fling weekend, but we wound up really enjoying each other and I was sad to say goodbye when the weekend was over. We decided to see each other again and see if something more was there for us.

Since then we've been long distance dating, but are not in a defined relationship. He's been out to visit me in my city; we met in the midwest when I was there for work; we went to the south together for a military retirement/reunion where I got to meet his friends; and I just spent a week visiting him, meeting his colleagues, going to military functions and seeing what his life is like on base. He'll be in my city for two days for a conference next month and I am thrilled to be able to see him again so soon.

I am falling for this man and am having some difficulty with all of the unknowns. His work is obviously demanding and his schedule is challenging. We are not sure when we will be able to see each other again after next month. His future is unknown -- he should be on the west coast for 2 years and may be then transferred to the east coast (but not my city) for two years. Or he may be get an overseas assignment -- as you know, you just don't know where and when he'll be next. He also has a daughter in the south and is a great dad with a good custody situation. So the little time he gets off and can get away he is first going to her, which of course he should. It just complicates the logistics a little more.

I am just uncertain. We're on the same page where we care about each other and think there is future potential -- we're both rational and realistic about what can happen and what will work. Also we're not kids screwing around -- you don't put effort and money into a 3000 mile booty call :) I am just fearful that we're at the point where the logistics may win out over how we feel and he or I or both of us will get fed up with distance and uncertainty and just end it because it is too hard. At the same time, I fear being in limbo for years, seeing each other every few months, and being in this same situation in another year or two or three. And then if it still doesn't work out, will I have foolishly spent years waiting, and in doing so having waited out my window for having children?

I love his life, I love spending time with him, and I can clearly see a life with him. I just don't know if we can make it with so many roadblocks in the way. I feel like we'll soon be at a point where a decision needs to be made -- to chalk it up to taking a chance and being happy for a good experience and ending it; or taking it up a level. My gut thinks he may not have time for me in his life very soon, and it will end, with me heartbroken. Do you wait and see what happens? To see if it can develop? Or do you protect your heart and get out before you can get too hurt?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2011
Wed, 09-21-2011 - 12:19am

Hi & welcome to the board... I am a fairly new to dating a military guy myself.. Mine is a different situation... My guy & I met and had been dating 4 months when he found out he was getting a change of duty station out of the country for a year & then relocating after the year....I decided to take the risk- felt it was right for him & I... I am not sure what the future holds but I am buckled in for the ride..

I don't have any answers for ya...

Life sure can be a funny thing... Like it has been said time & time again life is what happens when you are busy making other plans. You've

Community Leader
Registered: 07-07-2008
Wed, 09-21-2011 - 9:12am
Welcome to the boards! Have you already talked to him about your desire to have children? I know it's hard to have serious conversations when you are long distance more than you are together, but since you are trying to figure out where things are headed, you may want to see if you are on the same page in that regards as well. Have you thought about the fact that if he stays in the military for a while longer and the two of you do go forward (ie. marriage), that you will be moving around with him?

Unfortunately, the only way to know what's going to happen in the future is to go for the ride. (Crystal balls would be wonderful if they really worked!). Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Wed, 09-21-2011 - 2:28pm
Thanks for your replies and welcome.

We both want the same things in the future -- he wants to remarry and have more children. We both know that the other wants that.

We talk in general about our futures -- careers and family and traditions we want to have. But not specifically.

Because of his hectic schedule and career uncertainty, I think he is cautious about making promises or committing too much too soon. He is a sensitive man and is true to his word; he chooses words wisely. I know he would not lead me on.

I would move for him if we were engaged or en route to it. He has two years more on the west coast. And if we continue this and it grows, then we can use that time to meet families and grow together. If after this assignment he will be on the east coast I'd move to his transfer city if we were serious about next steps and it was right.

A month or two from now he'll know his assignment for two years from now. If on my coast then I'd be happy to continue and maybe step it up with the view of a future togther. If he is placed overseas, thatd be four years of distance, and we talked how that was likely not feasible.

It is tricky and I fear a dissolution, not bc we don't care for each other and not because we don't get along so well, but due to the logistics and challenge of distance. And that, though common, is the worst way to end something.

This limbo is just so taxing. And I want to be realistic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Tue, 09-27-2011 - 9:23am

I just wanted to welcome you to the board, Erin!