New Here and need advice on MM in Iraq

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
New Here and need advice on MM in Iraq
9
Sat, 10-03-2009 - 7:33pm

Hey everyone,


I am new here, I must say this is an awesome site to get advice as far as I can tell......


I am a bit confused on how I feel about a situation that is going on in my life right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2008
Sun, 10-04-2009 - 8:38am

Hi,
I'm Mary/27/Maine. Welcome to the board! I feel as though you are very, VERY, confused. I really hope Mel post's to you because she always dishes out the best advice when it comes to this situation.

If I were you I would STOP myself and reevaluate. You need to be more cautious! This could turn out to be a sticky situation if it continues. I'm not telling you to stop talking to him, I'm telling you to enter every form of communication with different mindset. I'd be a skeptic with him. He is getting out a divorce with a child involved. He is in a lonely area at the moment where attention is needed and you do not want to the be "used" one giving him the attention. These are just things to keep in mind!!

I hope this helps. I really hope Mel replies, too!!!



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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Sun, 10-04-2009 - 1:07pm

Hi!! I'm Steph, 22, living in NC. My husband is Adam, 24, and is in the USMC. He is currently deployed and should be home in early Dec.


I agree with Mary that you sound VERY confused, and that you need to be

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Sun, 10-04-2009 - 4:20pm

Hi, and welcome to the board. I'm Melanie, and my husband, Tom, has been an active-duty soldier in the Army for five years. He deployed once before we met, and since we married, we've survived one 15-month deployment and are now surviving a 5-6 month school. I'm going to address each of your points, but one thing you should keep in mind is that there are red flags, and then there are RED flags. The former are those things that pop up and simply make you a bit nervous. The latter are those things that spell out danger for you or your relationship. Hopefully, we can help you sort out which type you're seeing. Personally, I see some things that concern me. First, it seems like you might feel like he’s trying to move across the country to be near his ex-wife. That would be a deal breaker. Moving to be near his daughter is one thing. Moving to be near his ex is another. Second, it concerns me that he’s already playing the religion card. Not only does it seem a bit premature, but it also just seems suspicious. Most religions have ways of dealing with issues such as his.

I can understand that it would be difficult for you if he PCS’d (moved) across the country to a different post, but you need to be more concerned with his motivations than whatever hardship it might create for you. If he’s moving to be near his daughter, it’s something you need to put on your big girl panties and deal with. If he’s a good parent, his priority will always be his child, and it always should be. If that’s not something you feel you can handle, you should do yourself (and him) a favor by moving on. Of course, my real concern is that he’s moving to be near his ex-wife because he still harbors hope -- whether he will admit it or not -- of reconciliation. If that’s the case, you have no choice but to move on. In the end, if you do decide that his motivations don’t require you to walk away, it’s best to deal with it as things happen. Your relationship at the time he moves is likely to be very different from your relationship now, and your level of commitment, among other things, will factor greatly into how you choose to proceed at that time (i.e. long distance relationship, relocation, etc).

Second, I understand that you feel like you’ve met the perfect person and that you can never measure up, but that’s not reality. The thing is, when a relationship exists solely online or over the phone, it’s easy to hide imperfections. When it moves offline however, it’s not so easy, and people often find that their perfect mate really does expect not to be bothered during seven hours of Sunday NASCAR, won’t pick up their socks, will pick a booger out of their nose in public, and really isn’t interested in their favorite hobby. In other words, no one is perfect, so if you start feeling like he’s too good for you, remind yourself that he’s not. He has issues and quirks just like everyone else. And remember, the perfect person isn’t necessarily perfect; he’s just the perfect one for you.

Third, one of the major risks of developing an online relationship with someone who is completely isolated from all that is familiar to them is that their feelings and attachments toward all things that remind them of home/comfort/familiarity are often distorted. It is, indeed, very possible that he is “in love” with the idea of you rather than you. In most cases, I’d say “time will tell,” but in this case, I’m not optimistic. I think his recent divorce, the indication that the divorce wasn’t what he wanted, and the isolation created by his deployment are making it difficult for him to determine what he is really feeling.

Fourth, the fact that he’s already telling you he can’t marry you unless his ex-wife dies is a HUGE red flag for me. And while I can think of several mainstream religions routinely practiced in America which discourage divorce and even require certain provisions for their practitioners to remarry, I cannot think of a single one that does not have such provisions. For instance, I am Catholic, and as you may know, the Catholic Church is very anti-divorce. In fact, practitioners of the Catholic faith are permitted to remarry with the blessing of the Church only if a religious annulment is granted. Such requires for the Church to determine both that something about the marriage invalidated it from the beginning (which is possible in almost any case) and that there is no hope of reconciliation. In other words, this shouldn’t be a huge issue, but I suspect that your boyfriend is making it an issue because he harbors a desire to reconcile with his ex-wife.

As for what you should you do, I can’t answer that for you. I will say that some people think passion is more important than stability, and others feel opposite. Black and white situations aren’t always black and white, and nothing is a sure bet. I wouldn’t sacrifice what is most important to you, but I would take a long look at any situation in your life and determine whether or not it is going to meet your needs in the long run. If it’s not, change the situation. Period.

Finally, rules are for board games and sports. If you do choose to continue in your relationship, you shouldn’t do so under pretense. Relationships can only be successful when both people enter into and continue in it as themselves. Do what feels natural to you because, otherwise, you’re never going to have the energy to be happy, and then you'll be left exhausted, bitter, and alone. If you're yourself and it doesn't work out, at least you're still happy with who you are and where you’re going with your life.




Edited 10/4/2009 5:17 pm ET by writergirlmel



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Sun, 10-04-2009 - 10:22pm

Hi there!

You most definitely sound confused. my advice is to trust your gut instinct as it will never steer you wrong.

As for the religious reasons regarding remarriage there are religions that are very strict on this. The one that comes to mind to me is the conservative or mainline Protestants. These believe a "divorced person is expected to remain celibate and without a partner for the rest of their life, or until their former spouse dies -- whichever occurs first". So they are very picky. I know the Catholic church is very much against divorce as well but I don't know that they prevent a divorced individual from remarrying Its possible that the Amish could fall under this as well. Divorce is a no no for the amish. There are so many religions today that more than likely he could be correct in stating he can't marry unless the spouse passes. It sounds like he falls under the protestant views

Anyway trust your gut. Don't be afraid to let someone in. Taking a chance on someone or something is worth the hurt it could possibly cause.

Good luck and hang in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 10:05pm
Mel thank you so much for all that wonderful advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 10:14pm
thanks for the advice and yes i am very confused.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Tue, 10-06-2009 - 10:17pm
thanks for the reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 7:36am
Your welcome! Just take things slow and see what happens... Just relax and roll with it. =)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2007
Wed, 10-07-2009 - 9:03am
I'm glad I could help. The fantasy you have of him coming home and your relationship transitioning into a successful offline relationship is possible, but I do think you're smart not to put all your eggs in that basket because he really does need to deal with his own issues (i.e. lingering feelings regarding his ex and their divorce, the distortion of feelings that often comes with deployment, etc) before he can commit to making a relationship work with you. If you're still open to it when that time comes, great. If not, my hope is that you will have found happiness elsewhere -- and if he truly does care for you, that should be his hope, as well.
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