update

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
update
4
Sat, 02-12-2011 - 12:40pm

So, the update is...

I'd been talking to one of my best friends about the whole situation, her being the only person that really knew other than you ladies. She posed a question to me that I just couldn't get out of my head... she said "I don't understand why he's doing this, KNOWING how much he's hurting you!" So, after struggling to get it out of my head and not succeeding in the slightest, I came home on Thursday night prepared to talk about it. We cooked dinner together, we watched our Netflix movie we had, and then I asked if we could talk. I was VERY well prepared for this, and I maintained composure through the whole conversation without a single tear or shaky voice. He misunderstood what I was asking and said that I made it sound like he had some type of grudge against me and was doing it to hurt me. When I tried to explain myself better, he got even more defensive and got up and walked out of the living room to start getting ready for work (he worked midnight to 8 AM). At that point, I started crying but gained composure and dried my face before getting up and following him into the bedroom to try and talk to him about it. Before it even started I told him I didn't want to fight, I only wanted understanding. Well, something about the conversation obviously rubbed him the wrong way and he was super defensive and not willing to talk about it at all, and accused me of not even trying to hide being upset, which made me angry. So, I left for a few minutes, drove down the road and back to calm down, and then when I came back home, I just came in and sat on the couch. I didn't approach him or try to start another conversation with him. Once he finished getting ready for work, he came through the living room and said "I'll call them tomorrow and say I'm not going". So then he sat down, willing to have a calm conversation with me. I was no longer capable of a calm and collected conversation, so I was tearful, but at least we weren't yelling. I told him that I just wanted to understand WHY he wanted to do this so badly, and to make sure that he wasn't only doing it for the money, because the money wasn't worth it to me. Turns out the money aspect was a huge portion of why he wanted to go. I told him that no matter whether he goes or not, that he is free to quit his job that is making him miserable and can look for something else. We talked about our bills vs what I make in a month and how we would handle paying for things if he was to not work for the next 5 months until he starts school (at which point he'll get BAH through the Post-9/11 GI Bill) and I showed him how we could make it work for that short period of time. We talked about whether he felt like he might resent me if he stayed, and we talked about what upsets me about him leaving. He left for work kinda on the fence, and of course we didn't get a chance to talk more about it the next day because when he got home I was getting ready to leave for work myself. So, I sent him a text message to not call them unless he was 100% sure he didn't want to go, and that we could talk about it more before any decisions were made. I never heard back from him because he never got it because he had barely woken up when I got home from work, but when he did read it, he told me I could stop talking about it, that he was staying here. We worked on a letter of resignation for him before he went to work at midnight last night also. But then he came home this morning saying he had a long talk with his boss this morning (after his shift had ended actually) and that he's going to stay on for as long as they will let him have midnight to 8AM shifts because he doesn't mind those as much, especially since they gave him a jacket last night.

So, I guess he made the decision to stay. I feel a little bit guilty, but at the same time, I tried to have a calm conversation with him and managed 10 minutes of talking without a single tear, before he got up and walked away. I really hope he doesn't end up resenting me for staying, because he said he was staying because the tension and pain it was causing between us wasn't worth it, but if he does I guess we'll work through that when we come to it. Just wanted everyone to be updated on the situation. Who knows, if they come back with a short-term offer, he'll probably take that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
In reply to: georgiagirl04
Sat, 02-12-2011 - 1:41pm

I totally agree with everything that Mel said earlier.

Tricia

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: georgiagirl04
Sat, 02-12-2011 - 2:16pm

Don't feel guilty. You told him how you felt and he made the decision. Besides, this was one opportunity- there are plenty of others overseas if he really wants to go. My SO has worked for several different companies. He currently does a 4 month on/4 off thing, but has done the year-long deal before too.

If it helps, I COMPLETELY understand every one of your feelings. I really wish this wasn't the type of work my SO did and I have finally given up trying to explain to him how it makes me feel he doesn't miss me/home all that much when he goes. I accept that he sees it as a job, it pays the bills, he doesn't like office work (and doesn't know what else to do since it's all he knows), etc. but that doesn't mean it isn't hard and doesn't hurt. We are now 1 month into this current one (he should be home at the end of May) and I'm getting into the routine, but I wish I didn't have to.

I hope your guy ends up sticking around and finding something he loves (I don't recall what you said he's going to school for, but I hope he likes it and it means having him around for awhile). Good luck with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2005
In reply to: georgiagirl04
Sat, 02-12-2011 - 4:04pm
Well, it wasn't so much that the leaving to cool down was necessary on my part, I just didn't want to have how upset I was impacting the conversation, so I got out of the house to avoid it escalating, because I was past the point of controlling my tears, and when I can't control my tears, he gets angry at himself instead of whatever he's upset with me about. And angry at himself is far worse. But we will talk about it later, once the whole situation is calmed down completely. And honestly, I'm not even sure if he realized I had left until I came home (literally 2-3 minutes later, I drove all of a mile away before I turned around), because you can't hear the garage door opening from our bedroom, which is where he was getting ready for work.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2011
In reply to: georgiagirl04
Sun, 02-13-2011 - 3:05pm
Leaving the house to calm yourself was probably smart on your part, since Nic sounds a lot like Antoine. If I cry during the course of an argument or "heated discussion", then the focus goes to him being mad at himself for making me upset and trying to calm me down. Thus, it takes twice as long to hash out what we were trying to hash out initially. I'm glad he is taking your feelings into consideration, and also was able to hear you out about practical things, like money and his future career/school goals. That's important for married couples.

Like Tricia, I've had to deal with my husband adjusting to the civie life. There's times when he kicks himself in the azz b/c he left AD. I can only imagine what it will be like when he's done altogether. Oye!! However, I'm starting to understand why he misses it when I look at how some ppl in the civilian world approach their job and coworkers. I'd miss it too. I think he misses the structure too. He's an adreline(sp) junkie too, no matter how hard he tries to deny it.