Venting- again. :(
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|Sat, 04-23-2011 - 11:51am|
I should probably write in a journal or something and spare you all, but it makes me feel better to let it out to a group who understands. I feel so alone in this sometimes. :(
Basically, I have posted about this before, but it's really hard for me emotionally to deal with the lack of communication when he's gone. It just makes me so sad. I have been trying my darndest to cope with it, but it's hard. Recently, we went a MONTH without talking on the phone bc they were redoing their internet. Now, I know I'm lucky that I would still hear from him (sporadic emails, but usually at least once a day), but it's not the same as a conversation. No IM, no phone, just email. I found myself sleeping with my computer, getting up at odd hours when it was more likely I could catch him, so at least we could have an email exchange of a few before he would disappear. He didn't know when it would be back up, so I'd check every morning (we'd been in a routine before they had no internet, and he would stay up to talk to me after work and before I went in- I'd wake up a little early so I could get ready in time). For weeks this went on...and it was really just disappointing not to see him on. Finally, he got internet back. Yay, we can resume our talks, right? Not so fast...it's now gotten hotter, he's working hard, sweating all day, surrounded by flies and bugs and just drained by the time he gets off. They also decided to adjust their hours bc of the heat (something about running the AC)- so now it's unlikely I would be able to talk to him in the morning, at least during the week bc I have to drive to work. But ok, we can still try in the afternoon, he has to wake up early and I have to come home early- sometimes doable, but things I can't control (staff meetings, conferences, after school events, etc.) mean I can't always do that...
Long story short, we haven't been able to resume our schedule. While I understand his limitations, I am so sick of this deployment, missing the emotional support, tired of the constant rain around here, sick of us snapping at each other from the stress...just done with it. We finally had one nice convo on Thursday, and it was SO good to hear his voice. I sent him a few nice emails after that...and didn't hear from him for 36 hrs. I KNOW he can't help it, and he apologized when he finally got on, but I can not handle the constant disappointment right now. I'm just at my limit. I don't want to be tied to my computer, checking all the time. So, I decided I have to stop. I will write and then I will turn it off (MOST of the time, he won't be able to write anyway). The next time I am up to it (which may be the next day- I'll turn it on). If he REALLY wants to reach me or set up a time to IM/call, he can text to my phone. He KNOWS he can reach me there, so it's not like I'm cutting him off, it's really just for me. Bc seriously, sleeping with the computer and checking it all the time was making me nuts. Waking up every morning to check if he'd be on like in the old days...trying not to feel disappointed when I know he was on (sent me a quick email), but didn't stay up to chat like he used to. I KNOW he's tired and I get it, I do. But I just feel so sad about it and it gets hard to suck it up and be sunshiny. He has said that he really needs me to be positive and supportive...and I WANT to...but I find it hard to fake it and it's just easier for me to not say anything at all. So, then when