Veteran Boyfriend Has Anger Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Veteran Boyfriend Has Anger Issues
3
Wed, 05-29-2013 - 11:14am

My boyfriend served in the US army for 8 years. We met in april online and although he is a very sweet, giving, and great with my son, he has a problem with his anger. Everytime we have an argument or i upset him, he storms off and threatens that he's done. When i finally confronted him about this, he said that he doesn't really mean that he's "done, done" but he does that to get out of the situation and then he wants me to go after him and love on him. I think this is childish and dramatic i am not the type of person to chase after someone. Once i began ignoring him when he gets that way, i noticed that he eventually calms down, comes back and loves on me. So that's when i started realizing that his words are just hot air. I find this very frustrating because i feel like he doesn't know how to communicate and just shuts me off by storming off instead. Also, his anger goes from like zero to sixty at the drop of a hat so i feel like i have to walk on egg shells when talking to him which i hate. Recently, we were discussing my concern about my 6 yr old who was at the time playing in the ocean by himself as we watched from the beach. He tried to discount my feelings by telling me that i shouldn't be worried because he was there if anything happened and I felt like he was imposing on me being a mom and wanting to protect my son. Next thing you know, he starts getting upset because i disagreed with him. I calmly called his name to get him to calm down and he threatened me by telling me "if you say my name one more time..." and i just lost it because i have never been spoken to like that ever in my life. At one point he started punching himself in the head hard while exclaming to me that "i don't listen" to him when he talks. That's when i was done because that is very scary. I think he is a sweetheart and i care about him, but i can't deal with his anger and rage. I'm concerned for me and my child. Another thing is that i noticed he always wants to be needed because he is constantly wanting to fix things and do things for me. This is great however, when i don't need his help he seems to look deflated, dissapointed, and has even tried to keep pressing the issue at times until i give in and let him. I honestly feel that he needs to see a psycologist to help him deal with what he experienced being stationed overseas and being adopted as a baby (yes, he was an adopted child and i think he may suffer from feelings of abandonment). What do you think about this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 05-29-2013 - 11:20am

I don't have personal experience with military veterans but from what I have read a lot of people are coming back from deployment with either PTSD or brain injuries.  If he is acting like this, he definitely does need to see someone.  I think it's best for you not to have to deal with someone like that, esp. since you have a young child.  His behavior sounds a lot like my ex, who has bipolar disorder--the sudden anger about nothing, the drama, always saying that he was going to go get a divorce at every argument, etc.  I put my kids through a lot being married to him (it was a 2nd marriage) and I really regret that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 05-29-2013 - 1:26pm

Agree with Music on that one.  You two only met a month ago, so it is not like you have a lot "invested" in him.  Your child's safety and mental well-being should be your priority.  Break it off!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Wed, 05-29-2013 - 3:37pm

Wow music, that really hit home. I broke up with him today. He's not worth it! Too many red flags. Thank god i have a little one who helps me to be extra cautious when it comes to dating.