1st timer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2011
1st timer
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Mon, 06-06-2011 - 9:27pm

Is there somewhere a 1st time military girlfriend can post? If this is not the place for me just let me know and I will understand completely. I posted on another blog and I think I got ignored. :smileysad:

LadyLove

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 9:30pm

Not all postings will elicit a response but I wiill respond periodically.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2011
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 9:35pm

I have had so much running through my head so Im sorry if this is all over the place. Ok well this is what I posted to the other dicussion board (not this board)...

Ok, so I am Ladylove. I am divorced and I recently met my DB on match.com. When I read his profile I completely skimmed over the huge ARMY comment as if was insignificant. NOT that I didn't pay attention, I was just ignorant to how much it would affect our relationship. (so sweet and naive! LOL) He got back from Afghanistan in Jan/Feb. 2011 (after ~1yr) and we started dating mid March 2011... That being said I now know I need HELP!

I am getting ahead of myself and I should tell you about us. We hit it off immediately, I fell in love with his passion, dedication, and drive (don't forget talent). He is beautiful inside and out. He told me he loved me 3 weeks into our relationship and treats me like a Queen. He lives 1hr away and has came to stay with me for a few days, every couple weeks. I have a 4yo DD and DB has met her. She loves him and he loves her. I can see a future with him, but I feel like I am fishing in the wrong pond!

We got into a heated discussion right before Memorial day weekend about communication (go figure) which he SUCKS at and he went home instead of spending the weekend with me. I of course had a DG-tantrum and that made him angry and left me in tears. I have thought long and hard over the last week and I realized this:

1. I am too old to throw tantrums LOL

2. I have been fishing in the same pond I was before, the "civilian" pond. :smileywink:

The passion, drive, dedication that attracted me in the first place is what makes him Army Strong (that's what he calls it :-D). I have not been approaching him like a soldier that just got back from deployment. I have been treating him like he has been here at home for the last year, not in the desert. So I am at the point that I KNOW that I don't know how to approach this. I read some "how to" guide online but I feel like they only skim the surface. So in a nutshell I need to know how to communicate with my Army Strong- DB!

Helpless,

LadyLove

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 8:54am
This is my honest opinion but unless he's going through some issue as a result of his deployment (either mentally or physically), you should approach him like you would any man. There are certain issues that will come up as a result of the military but communication shouldn't be one of them. If he is in a place where he can't communicate then I would look at that like he's not ready for a relationship after his deployment and once he gets it together, then maybe you can reevaluate. Usually, if there are no issues, 6 months is plenty of time for readjustment.

Good luck to you and if you have any specific questions, feel free to ask away.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 11:20am

Thanks for that.

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Registered: 07-07-2008
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 11:45am
I agree with Amy. Has he talked to anyone about his impatience and the not sleeping? It's possible there is more going on with him and his readjusting since being home. Yes, soldiers have to transition after being deployed, but he should be pretty well adjusted by now unless there's more going on.

As far as what you can do, just treat him like any other guy, but be patient and understanding. If he is still having issues from the deployment, he really needs to talk to someone. What kind of problems is he having with communication? Is it really that he's having a problem or just that the two of you have different communications styles and expectations? If it's just that the two of you have different communication styles and expectations, then it's something the two of you need to work on and figure out what'll work best for your relationship.

As far as all the "how to's" that are out there, I'd not focus to much on most of them. There are some standard things for after a deployment, but other than that, it all depends on the person. Some standard things are realizing that he has made bonds and strong friendships with the people he served with and he may want to spend time with them at home as well. This can sometimes be a problem for some couples in the beginning when the soldier first gets home. Depending on where he was and what he was doing, he may be a lot more on edge and alert. Loud sudden movements may bother him, cars backfiring could make him jump, etc., but those things tend to decrease as the soldier adjusts to being home.

The best thing I can recommend is taking it one day at a time and just going with the flow of things. Try to figure out ways to work on the communication together. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 11:50am
If he is having those issues then I would suggest he talk to someone to figure out what he can do to help solve the problems. 5-6 months back is quite a while to adjust under normal circumstances. I'm guessing the sleeping issues probably make the impatience problems even worse. Along with making sure he can be a good boyfriend to you, he has to make sure he is ok and if he's having trouble, he needs to look for help.

I would just be completely open with him. If there is an issue, bring it up and talk about it. You already realized that throwing a tantrum didn't work and you've learned from that. I've always thought that a perfect relationship isn't one where the couple never fights, it's where the couple knows HOW to fight. As long as you stay calm and stay focused on the issue, it's healthy to have disagreements.

What exactly happened when you two had a fight? You said it was over communication issues so what happened to cause that?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 12:01pm
I also wanted you to know about the Dating a Military Man board. They might be able to help too.

http://forums.ivillage.com/t5/Dating-a-Military-Man/ct-p/iv-rlmildating

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 12:04pm

thanks Stacy!

I don't think there is anything like PTSD but I am not a doctor. He is nevery aggressive/angry/hostile, he is always a gentlman. So its more of a MIScommunication rather than POOR communication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2011
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 12:14pm

Amy,

We were discussing things that we expect from our relationship not like getting married but more like what kind of dates we like, what are some things that make us happy ie: flowers, etc. He couldn't quite get what he was trying to say out and got impatient and gave up. I made the bad move of questioning to try and help him get it out. I felt like he was giving up and he felt like I was pushing him to respond. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 06-07-2011 - 1:42pm
From what you have described, I think it's just a little bit of miscommunication. You are in a new relationship. There are going to be some bumps. I don't think you should get so down on what happened (unless it's happening constantly, then there's an issue).

Obviously you care about each other. The only thing you can do is work through things as they come up. I really think you are putting too much pressure on yourself in this situation. The disagreement you had is over and you've both apologized for your parts in it. I'd let it go and move on. The next time he gets frustrated with talking about something, just ask him if he'd like to move on to something else. It's probably hard for him to not be able to communicate effectively right now so being put on the spot might cause him to get defensive. Try to look at things from his point of view and most of all, do not take things like that personally. If he's having some trouble communicating that has nothing to do with you so try not to get upset. Try to just understand where it's coming from.

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