In Desperate Need of Help..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
In Desperate Need of Help..
3
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 11:04am
Okay, I know that I am not the only one going through a deployment, and I know that I really need to get a handle on the situation...
This is my first deployment, and my husband's 6th. We discussed it while we were dating, and throughout the last year. I don't know where to turn right now..but I feel as though I am losing it. My husband hasn't arrived to his final destination yet, and there is limited communication. Even when he gets to where he is going, the communication will be limited. So many things are going through my head that i would not have imagined. He has done this so many times that it is his second nature. So I am scared that over the course of a year, he will forget me or his love for me will fade. I am worried that I will not be able to take care of things here at home. This is crazy! I know that there are days that he can't communicate, and that he is doing his job, and not just sitting around. Why are these things going through my head? There are times when I am home here (it's just me and my 7yr old daughter) and I start missing him, and this indescribable dark feeling comes over me, and I start thinking that it doesn't matter if I miss him or not because there is nothing that I can do about it. No matter what I do, I will not be seeing him for a long time. I know that there are other wives here to talk to. I am a POC in our FRG group, but I really don't want them to know that I feel this lost. I have no family here where we live.
I am at the point where I don't know what to do.
Can anyone please help?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2007
Fri, 08-06-2010 - 11:25am

First of all, huge hugs!! It is all overwhelming and I think it is normal to feel what you are feeling.

Those thoughts about him not loving you or his love fading, just completely forget about that! It does you no good to think about that. His love for you is not going to change. You are gonna be what helps him through this! He is going to be dreaming out the day he can get back to you. I guarantee the communication he gets with you is the highlight of his day. Ask yourself this: does worrying about it do anything at all to stop it? If his feelings do happen to change, guess what? You can't stop it anyway so you just have to have faith in him and faith in your relationship. Don't waste your precious energy worrying about things you can't control!!

As hard as the feelings of missing him are, it will get easier. You will never miss him any less (and would you want to??) but you will learn how to cope with it better. I promise you, you will eventually find your groove and you'll figure out how to deal with everything.

Don't look at it as the whole deployment. Break it down. What can you look forward to in the next week? What can you look forward to in the next month? Even if it's just going out and getting yourself your favorite junk food, pick something you want to do and write it down on the calendar and let yourself look forward to that. It helps so much to have smaller portions to focus on.

And finally, if it is too much, get help before it gets any worse. You are going through an incredibly emotional time with your DH leaving and your daughter's health problems. You don't have to do it alone. Go to militaryonesource.com. Under "military families", click on the branch your DH is. Once you get there, on the left hand side you will see something that says "counseling". Click on that. Once that page comes up, it tells you exactly what to do to get started and gives you different options so you can find something that works for you.

Good luck. You will be able to do this.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 12:56am
Amy gave you some wonderful advice. The beginning can be hard...but just know he will call you as soon as he can. ((HUGS))
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2009
Sat, 08-07-2010 - 11:53pm
You are correct...she gave some great advice. I was able to chat with him for a few. (he doesn't have any phone yet) He hasn't arrived to his destination, and he says for right now, he doesn't want to spend $120 on a cell, which I appreciate because money is extremely tight at the moment. Once he gets to where he is going, he will look at the phone options. (which I already know what they are because of the FRG)
Anyway..he did tell me what I was needing to hear. He actually said something to me that I didn't really think about. He said that he wasn't used to having someone in his life like me, that gives him so much love and support without it being his parents. I didn't take that into consideration. I assumed that if one's husband is deployed, you love them and support them and let them know constantly. He was married before for 10 years. I don't know how else to be but supportive and loving. I think with them being gone, we realize just how precious every moment is. I want to make sure he knows that I am here, and I will always be here...loving him and supporting him.
I hope that one day, I am able to help a "newbie" get through their first deployment. For now I am taking that advice and taking it in small steps. For example, week 1 is down..only approximately 51 more to go. :-)
Thanks again for the advice. You ladies on here are awesome, and I hope you know how much you did help.
Have a wonderful night.

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D Pictures, Images and Photos