DH doesn't have time for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2010
DH doesn't have time for me
30
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 2:04pm

I am at a loss. DH and I have spent hardly any time together since we got married minus a week together at Christmas that was great. He's either at work or studying - desperately trying to get his masters degree done before his major boards.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-07-2008
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 3:27pm
I'm sorry you are going through this and I can imagine how frustrating it can be. How much longer does he have on his Masters and his major boards? Hopefully things will settle down once those things are done. Do you think you can hold out for things to settle (since he sounds like he is really busy). If not, perhaps you need to talk to him about it and explain to him that you need time for you.

Football season will be over in a few weeks (if that helps any). I hope it gets better for you guys soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2010
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 3:56pm

Promotion boards are in a year I think.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 4:27pm
As frustrating as it can be, sometimes life does really get in the way. What you have to do is realize that this situation is temporary (sort of like a deployment) and that it won't always be this hectic. Then you have to decide if you can deal with it even on a temporary basis.

What if one night a week, you guys scheduled date night? On Saturday nights, he takes a break from studying and you to go out for a few hours every week. Remind him that he needs a break too otherwise he will just burn himself out and then all of his hard work will be for nothing.

If he has time to take a break on Sunday for football (and btw, I do think he should get some free time for himself too. that's really important), he has to make it a priority to find time for you two together also.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2010
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 4:47pm

I know it's not permanent, but it's at least another two years, which seems like an eternity. And now he wants a baby on top of it?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:06pm
Career progression and education are incredibly important but if he has no one to share his accomplishments with, how satisfying is his life going to be? Right now, it seems like he is just not making you a priority and that is not ok.

"Going out and having fun is out of the question for me if I want the house to look somewhat decent."

Who cares if the house doesn't look decent for one night? You deserve to have some fun too. What would he do if on Saturday night, you went out by yourself? What if you decide that you are going to go find something to do and he can either come with you and have a couple hours of fun or sit at home. I know you want to spend some time with him but if he's not willing to budge, you shouldn't have to sit around by yourself not having any fun. Maybe seeing you go out and having fun will give him the kick in the butt he needs to realize that taking a couple of hours a week isn't going to derail all of his studying.

And, like it was said earlier, football season is almost over so you can do something on Sundays together when he normally would be watching TV. If he makes excuses for that, then I think there is a deeper issue going on and he's just making excuses.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-07-2008
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:09pm

You need to make time for yourself as well. I understand wanting to keep up with your place, but you have to be able to put those things to the side sometimes. Dishes can wait, laundry can wait (unless you're out of clean underwear or something like that).

Perhaps you can take a night to go out with some local friends for dinner or something like that. It gets you out of cooking and cleaning for that night and give you a chance to do something other than housework.

If you feel like a baby is out of the question for now, just be honest with him and tell him that you don't think you guys are ready for a baby until he will have more time for you and your family.

I agree with Amy about football almost being over. If he keeps making up a reason why he can't give some of that time to you, there may be some other issue going on. Just so you know, there are playoff games for the next three weeks, then the probowl on the 30th (if he's into that), and the superbowl is on 2/6. Then it's done for a while.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2010
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:18pm

Unfortunately, every class he's taken has been like this.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-07-2008
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:28pm
I would point out to him that if he could take breaks to watch his team on Sundays, he can take a break for his wife during that time as well. I don't think it's just you. I'd be very upset if my husband never had time for me either and wasn't willing to try to make time for me.

Can he take fewer classes at a time? You said he doesn't need to have his masters completed until his up for LTC so it sounds like he would have more than 2 years to get it done. Perhaps slowing down a little would be good for him and your marriage. Is he taking courses in the summer as well? If not, perhaps you guys can do something during the summer to help rebuild your relationship. (Just throwing out some ideas.)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2010
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:32pm

He needs to be halfway for major, which is the wall he's up against now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Thu, 01-06-2011 - 5:35pm
It's not you!!! Don't think that! Like I said before, studying for a promotion and to further his education is important but it's crazy that he can't make time for you somewhere in there. It's really crazy to me that he'd even suggest having a baby right now if he is this busy. How will he have any time to enjoy spending time with a baby when he's so busy?

It really does sound like he's taken on way too much and it's easy to push you aside to make room for everything else. He needs to understand that no spouse is going to be ok with taking a back burner to everything else all of the time. He really needs to step up and make the time for you. If he's not willing to do that, you have some decisions to make on whether or not you can be happy if this continues.

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