i need help and advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
i need help and advice
8
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 2:32am

i'm not married to a military guy but i am deeply in love with one. in this situation i cant come up to my friends and talk to them about it because i know they wouldnt understand me. he's station in el paso, texas and i live in california. we met each other online. he's getting deployed in october but god its so hard. he tells me he is in love with me and he even talks about getting married and having children. i think that'll be amazing but i dont know if he is actually being serious with me. we are not in a relationship nor actually committed to eachother. i just need some advice.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-07-2008
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 7:51am
Welcome to the boards. There is also a Dating a Military Man board, just do you know. I would recommend to just take things one day at a time. I don't want to sound like a debbie downer, but sometimes there are military guys that meet people online and try to scam them or just use them for whatever reason. I'm not saying this guy is one of those people, just saying to be careful. It seems weird to me that he talks about loving you, getting married, and having kids, but you aren't even in a relationship. I hope things work out for you. Dating someone in the military really isn't any different from anyone else except for the fact that their job owns them pretty much 24/7, which can make it hard to plan things sometimes. Good luck.

Ohh, and be careful about posting dates about deployments, it violates Opsec and could put the troops in danger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2011
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 11:52am

Hi and welcome. I'm sorry to hear that you are having a hard time right now. I agree with what was said before me about being careful about online scams with guys pretending to be in the military. If he asks you for money, then run. I'm not insulting him, just pointing out the facts. You need to make sure he knows how you feel and maybe make some plans for him to come visit you during his black leave. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 12:58pm

Thank you for the advice and I will keep that in mind. The part of being together and having a family, it's what throws off the most. I don't want to get myself too attached to him because of the things you've said. I've also thought of them as well. Thank you. I truly appreciate it and I'll check out the dating military board I just thought that you young ladies having more experience about this situation, it would help me more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2011
Thu, 03-24-2011 - 3:46pm

I hope this guy is honest and truely cares about you. I have known some soldiers to get very attached or even marry women they just met prior to a deployment because they want to know that they have a reason to come home and that someone is waiting for them, and this guy may fall into that category. If you love him, let him know that, let him know that you want to support him and be there for him. If you are prepared to be faithful to him and able to handle the deployment, let him know that too. I hope he is sincere and he is not running any type of scam, I think it's sad that we have to worry so much about that in our society, but it's the sad truth.

The best advice I can give you is to follow your heart and keep an open line of communication with him. You need to tell him what YOU want and don't let him string you along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 9:08am
Sometimes when a man is in the military his views can be blinded by the fact that 1 your interested, 2 he's stable and 3 if he gets married to you his paycheck just about doubles and he can move off base. Not saying this is his motivation to get married to you in such a hurry but when all else fails patience will weed out the impulsive nature most military men have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 12:34pm

I just hope and pray to god he doesn't. Yesterday

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Fri, 03-25-2011 - 5:45pm
Have you ever met him in real life? I only ask because I think that's an important step if you want to be in a serious relationship. I would tend to think of this as a friendship until you can actually stand in front of him and see what he is really like. It's REALLY easy to paint a pretty picture over the phone/internet and it's not until you spend time with someone that you really get to know the real them. Having a lot to talk about and wonderful conversations is great but it's not everything. Just keep that in mind.

The other advice I have is don't sell your friends short. There are so many people who come on here and say "my friends/family just don't understand". In a way, yes, your friends and family can't understand your exact situation but that doesn't mean they don't understand and care about YOU. For example, a lot of my friends have kids and I don't. No, I can't completely understand what they go through but that doesn't mean I can't be there for them when they need to talk about something going on with their kids. I may not be able to give advice but I can sure offer a shoulder to lean on and your friends can do the same for you.

One final thing, in your last post you said, "I'm ready to be the wife of a military guy". I think it's way more important to be ready to marry THIS guy. Anyone can prepare themselves for what comes along with the military but it has to be for the right person and it has to be for the right reasons. Just like there are men out there who scam women using the military as an excuse, there are women out there who purposefully seek out military men (I have no freakin clue why but it does happen).

Good luck to you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2005
Sun, 03-27-2011 - 8:01pm

I'm late to the party but I have experience in this area.

Tricia