I thought i did the right thing but.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I thought i did the right thing but.....
6
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 4:23pm
Everything came out wrong, Well it started a long time ago with my friend they started saying stuff about her that she was cheating on her DH. Well she was really angry it was not true. Well sometime wetn by and never heard anything again. Till a couple of days ago my DH heard stuff about my friend coming from some guys. DH told me so me being a good friend i told my friend of what i heard she really appreciated and told me i was a great friend i told her that i wish she did the same for me if something like that would go on about me. Well when my friends DH called her ( he is in JRTC right now) she was so upset and told him the rummors were out again. So her DH called mine and ask him if he knew who it was well my DH said he did not know anything. My dh didnt want to get involved, well after that my DH was real mad at me he told me i did wrong, i told him if they were talking about me wouldnt you want to know who is talking bad about me. DH told me he is not a rat and he wont tell, being that the guys who said all that about my friend are in his company. So he was really mad at me. I started crying telling him that i thought i did some thing right and it all came out to be that i did wrong. I dont understand my friend appreciated me telling her and my DH was really mad at me. Hes not anymore i mean he saw how bad i felt about it all. He just told me he does not want to be involved. Well now my friends dh told her they wont be able to hang around anyone because it was coming from the same people they hang around with not my DH or me but the people that were talking bad about her. I just wanted to get the ladies opinions on this i think it will help me.

Thank you ladies. Take care.

Eunice
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 4:46pm
No offense, but it was really hard for me to follow your story! But if I have the story right, I don't understand why your DH is so upset, why is it his business what you tell your friend? I hope everything works out for you. I guess I wouldn't worry about it too much. I would have done the same thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 7:00pm
Eunice,

Huge hugs, honey. I'm glad that your DH is not angry anymore. I know how hard it is to be a friend and also have the DHs do the army thing *lips sealed* type of thing. It can be hard knowing what to do. On the one hand, you want to be upfront and honest with your friend, on the other hand, your DH doesn't want you all to be involved in al the rumors. I feel for ya!

I have no real advice, as this is a personal matter btwn you, your Dh and your friend. I think it's best that you and Dh put down some boundaries regarding *shop talk*...maybe it will help you out, if you know what your Dh expects of you when he tells you things like that.

In my experience, my DH and I keep shop talk to our selves. If there is something going on about one of my friends, I discuss it with him first, to see if it's ok that I discuss the matter with my friend. On one particular occasion, I told my DH that no matter what he thought, I really felt it my persona duty to tell my friend what was going on, and my Dh just had to deal with it, but at least I gave him *fair warning*...don't know if any of this helped, but I sure hope it did.

Also, in my opinion, it's best to stay out of the rumor mill. When it comes to gossip and shop talk, the military is just as bad as the best *country club* at snubbin and putting people down. Stay friends with your friend, and just stay out of the rumor mill. That's just my opinion, though! Good luck with whatever you decide to do! And don't beat yourself up over your decision, you did what you felt was right...end of story!

Hugs,

Chris
Avatar for seamour
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 8:58pm
I think you did the right thing, it probably took alot of courage to tell your friend these rumors had started up again, just be patient, she will realize what a good friend you are when her DH backs off.

Mic

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Avatar for firefly280
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 10:14am
Eunice.... I'm gonna play devil's advocate for a minute. Not all rumors are unfounded, most of them have some basis in truth. Now I'm not saying your friend would ever be unfaithful but maybe along the way there was a misunderstood gesture or something. But none the less you don't know anyone so well as to assume you know the inner working of one's marriage. And there's the saying "Where there's smoke, there's fire." But even if it's not true, you don't know for sure.

Yes it is sad that these rumors are perpetuated by some very imature boys but then again they shouldn't be taken so seriously. People talk for the sake of hearing their own voice. I understand why you would tell your friend what was said but in the same way I understand why your DH was upset with you. I don't think your friends DH should have called your DH cause the last thing he wants is unnecessary tension with the people he works with everyday.

In my opinion this is one big viper's nest you don't want to get involved with, cause your just a bystandard but it doesn't make you immune from the venom that maybe spit your way. And lord know you don't want those things said about you. I feel really sorry for you friend cause no one should have to defend their honor and good name.

Sela

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2000
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 11:12am
I think that you did the right thing. If I was in your situation I would do the same and if you were in your friends shoes, you would want her to tell you what was being said behind your back too. I understand that your dh dosn't want to be involved because he does have to work with these guys, but he in turn should understand that you had to tell your friend what was being said. I would hate to have people talking about me behind my back, expesially if it wasn't true.

(((HUGS)))

Amanda

Avatar for cl_americanarose
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 7:51am
Eunice,

You did the right thing. You are a good friend to her. I do understand your dh's ponit as well. He must still work with these people and since it is all of a personal issue and not professional issue he is trying to distance himself from the situation.

Here is a recommendation for your friend and her dh. Upon his return he should make a blanket statement to those people who are spreading these rumors. He should tell them that such behavior won't be tolerated. And it is a wise thing for them to distance themselves from these people. They aren't friends now mature enough to handle life situations.

Don't feel bad. You did a good thing!

Rosemary