I'm New & Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
I'm New & Confused
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 2:17pm

Hello !

I" m new to this site and new to this situation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm confused as my beau and I didn't seem to make amends to a two week feud until two days before he left. We have been on & off again for months. The day before he left he asked me to consider a future with him when he returns. Of course I agreed, and i 'm anxious about his return. Our shaky relationship is due to me. I've been afraid to love again.We would get closer, I'd take steps back. Intentionally start to complain or be upset about any little thing and let days maybe weeks seperate us.

Ok, here's the problem ; how can I miss him so much ? It's been three weeks since he left and I'm an emotional mess. I'm confused on how I should feel. I mean time between us is no stranger, thanks to me. Is it the fact that I know he's gone ? Does absence make the heart grow fonder ? Is it the loss of control ? Is it love ? Any suggestions ????????

Avatar for skisgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 2:31pm
Welcome to the board.

I have found that many couples argue just before a deployment, I guess it's nerves or something.

I would try not to fret, I'd wait until he contacted you before coming to any conclusions.

But you need to address your fears of commitment before you decide on a future with him, otherwise you will bring that into your marriage, and by then it's too late.

Here's what I suggest:

Go to counseling for yourself as soon as you can to figure out why you feel this way. Don't go just one time, or a few. If you don't address these issues now, they will come back to haunt you in this or any other relationship.

Once you've established your fear, and once you've smoothed things over with DB, then discuss marriage but make sure before saying "I do" that you go to premarital counseling, trust me it will make your marriage get off to a good start.

My DH and I were both previously married, so we didn't want to bring that dirty laundry into our marriage. We went to a premarital counseling course at my university, we also saw a Navy chaplain for premarital counseling, and we went on a CREDO marriage retreat one month after being married.

What I am trying to say is there is no shame in asking for help. We all need it at some time or another. Don't be afraid to pray for help from the man upstairs!

Hope this helps, I'm Stacey, Navy wife in Texas.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 2:41pm
I think that was a well put response to your post. I just want to add that I think that this time apart is going to help you sort through your emotions. but please like was said in the other post seek out help to help you work through all this so when he comes back you can work on the present and not the past


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 2:58pm

Hello !

Thank you for your suggestions and speedy response . I've considered counseling for myself at this time, as I know there are many issues that need to be resolved. Being divorced and heart-broken is not making the situation any better.

Therapy is a definte must when he returns in our coupleship and prior to the big-day. I will follow up after that day, because it'll be worth it to us.

Thanks again,


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 3:03pm


Thank you !!!!!!!!!!!!

Avatar for cl_melisca
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-07-2003 - 3:16pm
I have no advice for you. I've a feeling though, that you're learning a lot from this experience... that is, not to take anything for granted.

I hope you feel better soon and you're able to speak with him even sooner!

:) Melissa