In Limbo..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2010
In Limbo..
7
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 12:46pm

Here's the background of what my 'boyfriend' and I are going through.

We met in Florida when he was in training. We started dating and we both knew he'd be leaving shortly due to training being finished soon and we wanted to see if a relationship could work, so we moved in together within about 3 months. A great 6 months went by and we packed up and moved to Virginia due to him being stationed there. We had some issues once we got there because I was stressed about being away from my family, keeping up with school and trying to find a job. I left to go back to Florida for a few weeks and came back to Virginia. Everything was great for awhile, he deployed for 6 months, everything was still great and then he came home and more problems started.

My issues have always been not being able to communicate properly and getting pissy when I don't get my way. I've also always been very jealous even though he's never done anything to hurt me. He's not a jerk, he doesn't chase after other women..He's a decent guy.

His issues are that he's still very young mentally (we're 22 and 23) and has a hard time being a partner and sharing a life..He's not irresponsible, but he is very childish. Doesn't like to pick up after himself, doesn't like to clean, mostly the average young-guy stuff..

We came to the conclusion that living together was more painful than happy..It made him unhappy to come home and his selfishness drove me crazy.

We are a great team and love each other very much. Both of us want 100% what the other person has..we agree on kids, marriage, religion, politics, all of it. He seems to think that we moved in together too soon, even though we were both happy to have experienced everything that we did. He wants to continue to date and spend time together and see if we can start over and do what we didn't really get a chance to do in the beginning.

There's not another girl, he doesn't want to see other people, and isn't too wild about me seeing other people..He just wants a chance for us to mature and be happy together, instead of play house and be at each others throat...FOR NOW. He wants to marry me, have babies, get out of the military..all of this with me..I just don't know how I feel about it.

We have been together for 2.5 years.

What are some opinions of this situation? What what little information I've provided, is there hope for salvaging this relationship down the road?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
In reply to: crashasaur
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 3:20pm

I'm not sure what exactly you're looking for, but I'll give you my take on things.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2010
In reply to: crashasaur
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 3:23pm

Hi Jen,

Instead of living together for a while first my husband and I married at 18 years old.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
In reply to: crashasaur
Mon, 11-08-2010 - 4:26pm

You said you don't know how you feel about it....what exactly were you talking about? You don't know about taking a step back and no longer living together or you don't know how you feel about the whole relationship in general?

I guess for me, it would be hard to go backwards.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2010
In reply to: crashasaur
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 8:19am

The reason I posted in this forum is because the only thing keeping us from being legally married is a peice of paper. We have a dog together, I have been in charge of his finances, every close, intimate thing about a couple is what we are/were. We weren't dating, and this situation certainly feels like a seperation/divorce.

Quote:
I guess I sort of look at it like it's running away from the problems instead of trying to solve them. If you move out, what happens if the relationship is ready to move forward again (either moving in together or getting married).

That's how I feel, but I've already moved out. I was kind of forced to. And those are the things I'm concerned about. I love him with all my heart, but I'm afraid that if we move forward again in a few years, it will be the same, but I don't have all the answers either, that's why I'm looking for insight.

I'm seeing a therapist, not just for this, but a lot of my personal issues, and he may be open to seeing her with me if he's really serious about keeping me. But I also don't want to be the 34 year old military wife with 2 babies and then get a real divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
In reply to: crashasaur
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 9:13am

The reason I posted in this forum is because the only thing keeping us from being legally married is a peice of paper. We have a dog together, I have been in charge of his finances, every close, intimate thing about a couple is what we are/were. We weren't dating, and this situation certainly feels like a seperation/divorce.

I sort of disagree with you on one thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
In reply to: crashasaur
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 9:29am
It really does sound like you both want this to work and I think that's the most important thing. Really, your issues aren't huge. You said in your first post that you agree on the really important stuff. Maybe a little time apart is all it will take to really see that those little things you do argue about aren't going to get in the way of a great life together.

I think it would be great if he were to see your therapist with you. Sometimes, having a third party see the situation really helps.

No one knows what the future holds. Realistically, every single one of us could end up divorced, you know? We just don't know. So, what it comes down to is are you willing to stick around through this because you want to spend your life with him or are you seeing now that things may not work and even though you love each other, it's just not right?

It is incredibly hard, especially when you've invested 2.5 years into a relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2008
In reply to: crashasaur
Tue, 11-09-2010 - 11:35am
I agree with everything these ladies have said. I know that you want things to work out, because it is hard to walk away from the time you have invested...but I think you should take a long and hard look at WHY you want it to work out.

If you truly love him, and want things to be with only just him, forever, in my mind that wouldn't present itself as you having to "wonder" or "question" how you feel about things, or what should be done...

Personally, having been in a similar situation to you w/ an ex-bf I was with for 5 years (while living together), I basically had to admit to myself, I wanted the relationship to last more because I was committed to him and didn't want to "fail" at it. I know now that I didn't love that person the way someone should in that type of relationship, I only thought I did. I also know now, that not for a second would I EVER let someone slide backwards with me on a committment, especially when they say it will be a commitment again "someday."

IMO, If this man states he plans on marrying you, and wants a future w/ you, then both of you better just gut it out and get thru these things where you are. I would not think that starting "dating" again would solve anything, but yet just prolong the inevitable arguments.

And what Jess said is right... All your stuff and all his stuff ...it's just STUFF! It's who you are and how you will be and only together will you know if you can make it work. Every couple fights about ridiculous stuff, and you can't turn back the clock to what you wish it was when you were falling in love and things were easy.

I'm rambling here, but I think what I'm trying to say is, don't sell yourself short on a relationship that can't move forward, because one of you (him) keeps trying to push it back. Going forward in a relationship involves growing together, and it isn't fair IMO for him to say he wants to commit to you, just not right now, and ask you to move out, etc.

I wish you the best, I can only speak from my experiences, and even tho I know I wouldn't have listened to my own future self say what I know now, I know that when it has come to my DH, I have never had to feel confused, or upset, about where I stand with him. He has always placed me side-by-side w/ him, and that is exactly where you deserve to be next to your man.