Marriage and the military "heartache"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Marriage and the military "heartache"
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 1:26pm
Hello everyone I haven't been around in quite sometime but my name is Jennifer and I have been married for seven years and together ten with my husband. I am 30 and he is 28 and we have no children. I wanted to write because I needed to get some things off my chest and I know this is the best place for that because you all know what its like to be married to someone in the military. My husband joined in May of last year right in the middle of me completing my masters degree in social work. We were stationed in Hawaii and moved there in May. When I arrived I found out that I did not get into the graduate social work program there and because I only needed 5 classes to graduate I was not sure what I should do. Things were really hard for us when we were there. I never saw my husband and my dog passed away in July from Cancer. I had to figure out what I needed to do to get my education and there was no school on the island for me to go to. I made the hardest decision to come back to NY and finish because my husband was going for 2 months of training in California and several trainings in and around the island.

Since I have been gone since Sept I have came home to visit twice once for a month but it has taken a tremdous toll on my marriage and I am not sure its going to work out now. My husband is insisting that I am cheating because he cant understand how I came all the way back here to complete my education. I also caught him putting personal ads on the computer and even set him up so he would think I was a girl that lived on the island and he was asking me out on instant messanger and telling me how lonely he was.

I feel so bad that I left him there but then again I was alone for 5 months while he was in basic training. We have a rough history abuse, cheating and he finally made it right and look what I went off and did. Can anyone shed some lite on this for me I need some advice. I am graduating May 10th and I am glad that I made the choice to do what I have becuase no one can ever take this degree from me. When I talk to my husband sometimes he sounds sad and others he just says do what you want I dont care anymore. I am not sure I want to go back to him but rather see what life is on my own for a while, everything is happening so fast and I have changed so much since my dog has passed away that I dont know what to do with myself.

Advice please

Jennifer Army wife

Avatar for sthrnmagnolia
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 1:55pm

First of all let me offer HUGS and an ear (or two eyes i should say) anytime. I think , in my honest opinion, that getting your degree was the best thing you could do. As you said, nothing can take that away. I seriously think if you want to work things out with your dh you need to go back and the both of you agree to work at it 100%, talk to one another, and depending on how you both feel about it counseling would not be a bad ides. Unfortunatly, from reading your post I think something you need to focus on is the accusation's of cheating and what you have caught him at already. Once again this is just my opinion, but I do not think that your going home to get your degree and leaving gives him the right to do that kind of thing on the computer. I hear you in this post blaming yourself....I don't see where you have anything to take the blame for. Be strong hun, and know that no matter what happens will be ok!



Avatar for skisgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 2:04pm

I remember you. I'm glad you posted.

As much as I am an advocate of a woman getting her education (just about everyone here knows that about me!) I am a bigger advocate of the institution of marriage.

You weren't happy before you guys were sent to Hawaii. I remember how upset you were about your dog, and I understand that. Could it be you're still grieving for your dog? If you haven't handled it, then it's probably taking a toll on your marriage.

Whether you cheated, or you both did, at this point it really doesn't matter, so stop playing games. What matters is do you want your marriage to work? Do you love him? Can you see yourself living without him (not meaning apart as you are now, but totally having him out of your life.

He's obviously lonely without you, are you lonely without him?

You two have trust issues that need to be addressed. As soon as you can, get some marriage counseling because you really can't work on a marriage if you're on the other side of the continent.

But if you see your life better without him, then you might as well end it. What's the use in prolonging this? It will do neither of you any good.

Good luck to you and keep us posted.

Avatar for cl_americanarose
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 2:51pm
I remember all of your story and I believe that your dh is trying to control you by accusing you of cheating when in fact you know that he has placed personal ads while you were gone. I believe there were emails as well that you read, but could be wrong on those.

With a history of abuse, cheating and problems I think you may be better off where you are right now.

If you feel that you can save your marriage go back but insist on counseling and all before you commit to staying. You have some serious issues to overcome in your marriage and they can't be overcome unless you both heal. You need an outside opinion to be able to both weed through what has happened and learn how to have honest communication with one another.

Good luck


Avatar for cl_melisca
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 3:58pm
I remember you as JVega. It sounds like you're more "together" now despite the hard times you're having in your marriage.

First of all, congratulations on finishing your degree. That's a huge accomplishment and everyone who loves you should be celebrating right along with you.

I have a hard time with what you said about "look what I went and did". Going back to Bflo. to finish school (when you were SOOOOO close to graduating) is certainly not a crime. Don't punish yourself for trying to make your life better. I have always found that those who are up to no good mistrust others. I.E... cheaters accuse others of cheating, liars accuse others of lying, etc.

Since you're very close to adding MSW to your name, I'm sure you understand that you and your husband desperately need counseling.

Good luck to you.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 9:31pm
I agree with what everyone else has said. Since you have received such wonderful advice already, I will just offer hugs!! You take care and know that you've done what was right for you.