My hubby is coming home from deployment and I'm not too excited.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
My hubby is coming home from deployment and I'm not too excited.
4
Mon, 09-12-2011 - 5:02am

My husband has been deployed for 7 months and he's coming home soon. Really really soon.

I love him so much, but throughout this deployment, we have hit snags that I didn't plan on having to deal with.

Backstory:

We are dual military. I'm an officer, he's enlisted. We got married in January of this year and he left at the end of February for Afghanistan. I moved to a new state to be closer to him, transferred jobs, units, and essentially lost my whole support network. I went from West Virginia to Hawaii.

The beginning of the deployment was hard (as I expected), the middle got easier because we emailed everyday and we kept the attraction going via less-than-appropriate emails and whatnot, but the last couple of months have been a mild torture. That ALL he has wanted to talk about. I've been having a rough time with my new unit, working, being alone, dealing with his parents (whole other story involving ID theft and maxed out credit cards). Instead of helping me deal with real world issues and giving me a minor amount of emotional support, he stopped calling me, and the only emails I got were begging for dirty stories, pictures, or acts.

I am very tactful, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
I am so sorry you are feeling like this.

Do you still love him? Do you still want to be with him?

Being apart from someone for an extended period of time is hard. Even if everything goes perfectly while he is away (which is highly unlikely...), there still can be nervousness, awkwardness, etc. Add in some of the issues you are dealing with and it's no wonder you are feeling the way you feel.

I am the type of person who has to feel loved and taken care of in order to feel like having sex. If I don't feel emotionally connected, sex is the last thing on my mind. If I was in your shoes, I'd have a really difficult time thinking of being intimate too. From what you have described here, he hasn't really been there for you a lot while he's been gone and while there are situations where I give my husband some slack while he's deployed, making you feel loved and supported should be a top priority.

I don't think you are being cold and I don't think you are a bad wife.

My advice is to see what happens when he gets home. It may be just nerves or a little built up resentment that's causing you issues right now. That might all go away as soon as you see him. If it doesn't, don't just have sex with him to please him. In my opinion, that will only make the situation worse. Give him a couple of days and sit him down and talk to him about how you are feeling. If he loves you and you guys want to make this work, he will listen and you guys will come up with a plan.

Don't forget, there are all kinds of resources out there for individual or couples counseling.

Good luck to you and thank you for your service.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2006

Hey Leigh--

Everything that Amy said is spot-on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011

Well, we had a long talk and I think we're gonna be alright.

I told him exactly what i felt and that it was like letting a stranger into my bed (our bed... symantics). He got it.

No stress for the night he gets home at all. In fact, he offered up a back rub and my choice Disney movie. :)
As long as i promise not to sleep on the couch (because that's where i was planning on staying), he'll spend as much time as I need playing and relearning how to be a couple.

Our FRG is a joke. My whole unit is so focused on the enlisted that the officers kind of get the shaft. Enlisted should always be put first because they're the backbone, but we're not deployed right now, so i kind of figured I'd get some reinforcement or at least the chance to talk to the Chaplain. They made sure to keep me busy all weekend so i didn't have a chance to catch him.

*sigh heavily*

But at least we managed this minor akward situation on our own. I really thought i was the only one who wanted him to stay there another week or 9.
I'm really excited now! Can't wait to see him and get my first hug in 7 months!

Thank you ladies so very much! I feel way better about this and lighter :smileyvery-happy:

<3

Leigh

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006

I'm so glad you guys were able to talk and he was so understanding. I think that's a great start to getting back to normal when he gets home!!

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