Need Advice ... Husband Deployed
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|Tue, 09-10-2013 - 6:45pm|
My husband and I have been married for 9 years, have two children, and one on the way. Like any marriage, we have had our ups and downs but we have mostly had a good marriage. People would often tell us that they would envy us because anyone could tell we were in love with one another without us even saying anything. We tell each other everything, and it isn't because we are checking in with one another, its because we are each other's best friend.
Two months ago, he left to serve a year tour in Korea. I felt fortunate to have better communication with him versus the lack of communication we had during other deployments. Although communication was better, I started to get this gut feeling that something just wasn't right. Early one morning, I had a terrible dream. I texted my husband to see if he was awake or available to talk (he is 18 hours ahead of my time). He said he was in his room doing nothing but I noticed he was not being very prompt about returning texts. Certainly not very prompt for talking to a pregnant wife at 4am who desperately wanted to talk. So I called him. Big mistake. As soon as he answered, it was loud, I couldn't hear him, he couldn't hear me. When it finally got quiet, he tried telling me he had been in his room the whole time. That was obvious a lie. But I picked up on something else: he was slurring. He was drunk. I asked him if had been drinking and he repeatedly lied to me. Then, he went off the deep end and completely raged on me. He started screaming at me and when he was done - when I hung up on him - he had told me what a worthless wife, horrible mother, and bad person he thought I was, among other absolutely incredibly hurtful things. His words also hinted at the fact he has been lying about things he has done since he has been there, including socializing with prostitutes off post, although he swears nothing happened. The drinking is an issue for us because it has been an issue for him in the past and recent past and has been detrimental to our marriage at times. As of late, he had been much better about it.
In the past week, I have found out the incredible amount of times he has been drunk, drinking in general, he lied about what he was spending money on, he lied about times he was not in the barracks, and lied about missing our phone calls and/or texts due to a bad signal in his room (it was really because he wasn't where he told me he was). I feel like in two months, he has completely changed from the loving, family oriented man that I know and love into this guy acting like he is away in college, experience drinking, partying, and (maybe) women for the first time. I no longer trust a word that comes out of his mouth. I feel helpless and confused as well as feeling like I had my heart ripped out. His harsh words devastated me to the point that I began to see a counselor this week in an effort to work through the hurt. I have now heard that tours in Korea are referred to the "Single Man's Tour" ... single soldiers go to party and married men go and come back single. Does anyone agree with this?
Has anyone gone through anything similiar? What advice would you give? Is this something that will improve after the "newness" of Korea fades ... or is this something we have to look forward to for the remainder of his time there? I asked for some time from him in order for him to work on himself and for me to get myself back together. I just can't get past the multitude of lies and the hurt. What do I do?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.