Need some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Need some advice
10
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 2:44am

My husband is best friends with a single guy. This guy thinks its okay to send my husband nude pictures of girls he meets/dates. My husband showed me one on his phone thinking it would be funny. I of course was NOT laughing. I was trying to tell him that I don't like that and we ended up arguing because he freaks out and thought I was taking it out on him. I was just trying to tell him I don't like that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 10:30am
I think your husband should definitely respect your feelings in this situation. There is no need for this friend to do this. And how embarrassing for that poor girl. I wonder if she knows that this is going on.

This friend sounds really immature so I'm not sure that you telling him to stop is going to make a difference. Try asking your husband how he would feel if you were getting naked pictures of a friend's boyfriend. Would he be ok with that?

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009
Fri, 07-08-2011 - 12:36pm
I agree with Amy. I think I'd probably also start a general conversation about it without outing him as being inconsiderate. Maybe she's OK with the idea, but if she's not he'll get to hear about her thoughts.

Maybe use some current news stories to start the conversation:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/28/joe-stagni-photo-underwear_n_886450.html
http://www.myfoxla.com/dpp/news/investigative/teens-sexted-videos-show-up-on-porn-sites-20110707

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2011
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 2:08pm

My husband is one of 5 brothers and a firefighter...he get's these texts days in and out. He shows them to me. I laugh.

Honestly, your husband feels comfortable enough with you to show you, I think you should consider yourself lucky. By being upset it shows him that you are insecure, a feature no man likes. Pictures are pictures. He's not doing anything wrong, nor are his friends. NOW if his friends said I have this one for you...then you have a problem.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2011
Mon, 07-11-2011 - 2:18pm

I wanted to add that I used to be insecure and jealous with my husband. It took a long time for me to realize that photos or internet porn weren't going to make him love me less or want other women more. Men are just wired differently...

ALSO, they will not stop doing it just because it bothers you. I think it's best to just let him come to you with it, laugh with him at it. It is not that he wants these women, it's that he's trying to share something that he thinks is funny with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 1:34am

This isn't funny. It's horrifying. If these girls don't know that he's distributing these pictures to his friends, it's absolutely disgusting. My fiance and I talked about this (so I could get a guy's perspective), and he said that he couldn't be friends with a guy who distributed pictures of naked women without their permission. He said it's like violating them. And, quite frankly, I don't think I could live with a man who would treat women like this and think that it's ok. Those poor women. Doesn't your husband even care about their feelings? Or are they just sex toys for him and his friend to laugh at their expense for trusting his friend? It's appalling, I'm actually appalled. And he wants you to join in this horrible "joke?" How misogynistic and perverted!

Milford Sound in New Zealand
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2011
Tue, 07-12-2011 - 6:55pm
Also known as Sexting which can land one in a tub of boiling oil :))
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Wed, 07-13-2011 - 7:36pm
Yikes, that is one friend that wouldn't be welcome in my home anymore! His actions are disrespectful to women and to your marriage. Your feelings are valid and your husband should take them into account!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 8:45pm

Thanks guys, it was good to hear a few opinions and I feel better about it. We're over the situation, but I do have less respect for his friend because I don't think it's right to distribute photos like that either. And yeah, I might be a little insecure but I know I shouldn't be. But him and I are doing good right now :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
Thu, 07-14-2011 - 8:57pm
Being insecure has nothing to do with it though, I just don't think his friend doing that is respectful to me or the other girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2007
Fri, 07-15-2011 - 3:57am

I've never considered myself an insecure person. I've been cheated on by my ex. It just taught me that if it does happen with my fiance, I'll be hurt (and gone), but I'll live. My fiance and I talk about celebrity crushes all the time. I got him to go see "Horrible Bosses" by telling him that Jennifer Aniston deep throats a banana in it. He got me to watch the t.v. show "Spartucus" after showing me a picture of Andy Whitfield. Eh, no big deal. We are able to appreciate good looks in other people. Hell, even I appreciate Jennifer Aniston's good looks.

But, for some reason, we both agree that when that translates into real people - it isn't appropriate to oogle or actively seek a way to cross boundaries with a person that an affair could really happen with. And even though we can appreciate good looks in others, we both know that we find each other to be the most attractive and wonderful.

So I don't think that you having a problem with this is insecurity. It crosses your boundaries, and justifiably so.

My fiance and I have a rule, that if something really bothers the other person and hurts them, then we will try our hardest to stop the behavior. I remember one time where we were drinking with friends. One acquaintance that we had just met that night was a very immature, insecure girl. She was overweight and kept going on and on about how guys didn't like her. Well, later in the night, she was very drunk and kept saying things like, "I'm so drunk. This isn't good. I flash people when I'm this drunk." (Something to that effect.) My fiance and my friend's boyfriend were the only guys there and they were obviously fairly uncomfortable with the way she was behaving. She did end up flashing my friend and I. Then, my fiance (who had drank quite a bit himself), said, "Well, now I feel left out." She almost did flash him, but he said, "Oh, no. I was joking. I don't want to look at anyone's boobs but her's (meaning me)." Then, uncomfortable silence....

The next day (when he was sober), I brought it up and told him that even though I understood that he was joking, it wasn't very appropriate. He agreed and said that he didn't think that she would actually flash him, he just felt bad for her because she kept complaining about how guys didn't like her and thought that it would make her feel better or something. He promised to try to be more appropriate next time we were drinking. And he's stayed true to his word. Well, he can still be pretty inappropriate while drunk, but it's directed towards me (like usual). We're working on that, lol.

Anyway, long story short.... I was just trying to let you know that you're not alone. All of us have boundaries. It is important for our significant others and us to respect those boundaries.

Milford Sound in New Zealand