Need some advice m

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Need some advice m
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:13pm
Dh had yesterday off and we went to get a swing set. We were both in a really good mood and then Dh asked me if we could get a 4 wheeler again, but not the $5000 one just a $3000 one. I tried not to get upset, but we had made the decision to not get a 4 wheeler since he already has a car being stored that he wants to fix up and we are debt free except for the car payment and I really like having money to put in savings and all. We had also decided to save and try to fly home for Thanksgiving this year. I am feeling the isolation bad and he is scheduled to go on a deployment this summer so I will be all alone all summer long. So that put him in a bad mood. SO I say let's just get the swing set and go home. Well flew off the handle and said well the way I usually relieve stress is my Mustang (car being stored back home) and now I have nothing so a 4 wheeler would give me something to take my mind off things. I said so because you are stressed you want me to spend $5000 to relieve your stress? So that means we won't be able to put money aside to fix up our mustang, no moeny for me to go to school and no money to fly home so I will be stuck in Alaska for possibly the whole four years without seeing family, but you get to go on TDY's and deployments and at least see part of the world on the air force's dime. He even has a good chance of getting TDY's near family. SO then he says well I have a test this week, I have to be a 7 level in less than two months (which he has only been in 4 years, but because he is a staff and they need 7 levels so bad they are waving him so he doesn't have to wait a year or so like most people to become a 7 level) I have a deployment that takes away my whole summer and a war going on that he is still unsure whether or not they will have to deploy for. So now I am feeling selfish and was about ready to say fine go buy a 4 wheeler. That would mean no trip home at thanksgiving, no money to fix up the mustang and no money to get me started on my degree. I don't know what to do. He is very impatient in the first place and all the guys at work have two 4 wheelers, two brand new cars and so we should too or at least that's what he thinks. I tell him I hate to see their credit card bills! Any suggestions? Every time we come to a compromise and he says ok to it a week or so later he is back on me again about a 4 wheeler. Am I being selfish?



AF wife and SAHM in Alaska

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 12:22pm
Big hugs Marie, I'm so sorry that you're having such a tough time right now. My DH is just like yours, except he's the one that makes sure that money gets to savings before we can buy toys. I have no idea how you can explain you feelings to him so that he understands. My DH and I have an agreement, he can spend what ever he wants as long as I don't have to change my spending habits (or planned spending habits, such as vacations or tuition!) My DH's hobby is restoring cars, so that gets really expensive, but he almost always has a budget set in writing and then he makes sure that we can still do what we plan (vacations and such). And this way he doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything.

Good luck! Keri


Avatar for mquin73
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 1:37pm
First of all, lots of hugs to you Marie. I don't think you are being selfish. I believe that there is probably alot on his mind and this just kinda pushed it over the edge and that's why he blew up at you. Things like that happen. I know it sucks, but there might be something else that's bothering him, not just the 4 wheeler issue. Talk to him and try to find out what's bothering him. Tell him that after all this stuff is over and after Christmas and such that you might consider getting a 4 wheeler, but that you want to be able to do the things you mentioned without going into to debt over it. Try to empathize with him and tell him you understand and that there are things that you want to do as well, but don't feel like you can (like going home which will cost a bundle)!

You know what else, you could ask him which would he rather have the Mustang or the 4 wheeler. Give him a choice!

Good luck Marie, hope things work out. I'm sure it will pass! lol


signature 2008

Avatar for cl_melisca
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 2:44pm
Yikes, Marie. He sounds like a little kid! Everyone at school has sneakers that light up, why can't I have them too? Waaaaaah! LOL.

Seriously though, I don't know what to tell you. Thank goodness you're the voice of financial reason in your family or else you'd be in debt up to your eyeballs!

Um, by the way, where the heck have you been!? It's good to see you.

:) Melissa

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 3:07pm
Oh honey!

You must have married my husband's twin...he's just like that...He's very instant gratification, and as soon as someone has a new toy, he has to have one too. I can't stand it! Honestly, it must be a man thing.

RIght now mine is harrassing me for a new motorcycle. I hate motorcycles, can't stand their sounds, and he already has one. BUT HE NEEDS A NEW ONE! Whatever. BLAH BLAH BLAH...he gets to do enough cool stuff, what about me!?

I would just stick to my guns, or do like I do, and have money set aside for ME...if he is like my hubby it takes a few days before NO sinks in. He's like a six year old with coming up with reasons and excuses and ways to do it, but I have put my foot down on this one. His dad is the exact same way, and when I pointed this out, it shut him up.

*BIG HUGS to you* I know EXACTLY how you feel...


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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 3:28pm
You sound like me and my dh. He was trying to spend his money on this and that to keep up with the guys at work too. Well one night he came in and started in on me and so I did the only thing I could think of to get through to him. We still live in an apartment, which is fine with me. I like our apartment. But we have been wanting this and that to make our house a home. So we went out and bought a bunch of stuff from the px to make our house a home. Well thank god for the star card, or we could neverhave afforded it all. We walked around the house with a notebook and pen and took a list of all things we had bought in the past year. Then we figured out which ones we still owed on and how much we still owed. Then I made him sit down and write out the things he had that he was thankful for and the things that he had the other guys didn't. He told me that after the little exercise he realzed we had more than he thought and he was grateful for all the things he had. So he dropped the issue of a second car, and all the other things he wanted. He went to work with a smile and told the guys that he was happy with one car, two loves, and a ton of love in his heart. He since hasn't asked for anything, not even to eat out. But he is deployed and so I take the extra money we have set out for gas money and i send him nice carepackages. :)

Avatar for smalltwn_cntrygirl
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 5:08pm
I just went thru the same thing. My husband has a 4-wheeler, and a Camaro (however you spell it) in the gagage. Sounds so familiar. Yesterday I went out and got a cell phone, and he flew off the handle, saying that this was a decision we were sapose to make together, and all. I was a little upset, anyway does he understand the sacrifices that you have to make? With school, and going home? As for 4-wheelers are payments are $70.00 Dollars a month, don't pay for all of it at once, they have really good payment plans with low or no interest. hope this helps a little Katie P.S. We have a Honda Rancher 2 wheel drive and it works just as good,if not better then 4 wheel cause its light and if you get stuck you can pick up the back or front.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 6:52pm
First of all don't worry about everyone else. Manage your income the best way you can. I have learned money management has very little to do with how much you make, it is how you spend/save it. If your dh agreed to your education and saving before todays incident then he should stick to it. My dh also wants a four wheeler. Maybe you could check into a used one. There are some great deals after deer season. We are trying to pay off our house in less than seven years. Just the amount we saved in interest (by putting 100 grand down) covers our dd's private school tuition. When we saved all that money every month years ago (having only one car, investing in mutual funds, and living on half our income) we never thought it would give our dd such a wonderful opportunity. So save now and I can guarantee in a few years you will not be disappointed! Living debt free gives one such an incredible peace of mind. Good luck and don't be too hard on dh. You probably balance each other.
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Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 8:41pm

I completely understand where you are coming from with the whole money issue.My husband is in Germany right now (I'm still stuck back in the states waiting to get shipped over) and we just had a huge argument tonight over money.Seeing that I am way better at managing money than he is it has always been the common agreement that I take care of the bills.So, since he left I have been working on getting us out of debt and start saving.We recently just had a problem where he spent most of the money in our joint account after I had already sent out all of the bills.Not only are we trying to get out of credit card debt but I also want to pay off the rest of my car so I can sell.We also need to save up about $9000 for a medical condition that I have (thats a long story for another time!...the military will not cover the treatment that I am choosing to have for this condition).Well, I will be going through treatment in July and I have to have all the money by then in either cash or credit cards (which I do not want use seeing that we are already in debt).Well, tonight he told me that he want more money to buy some new clothes and that I have no right to tell him what he can and cannot buy since he is the only one working ( he also wants a motorcycle in the next month).He also said that if he wanted to he could empty out our account so I can't do anthing, buy anything or pay any of our bills and thats his right if he wants to do that!! Well, that turned into a huge argument and since then I have been trying to figure out a budget to keep us debt free, save up, and keep us both happy.So, are you selfish? I don't think so...Although its great to have nice things like a 4 wheeler, you have a right to be able to go home and see your family, go to school, or whatever.Now for advice, I'm still working on how to get through the money problems with me and my husband.But, I totally understand where you are coming from and I agree with you.Mabye we can come up with ideas together.Good luck!