Newbie Here Needs Your Input!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Newbie Here Needs Your Input!
23
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 10:28pm

Hi ladies! Newbie here with a question. Something has been on my mind and i hope you can help. I have been in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for nearly 5 months. He is in the military and was recently deployed. We met online and both were previously married. He has been divorced from his wife since 07 and me? Well I'm still married, and the thing is,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 10:07am
What did you tell him right away when you met? Did you tell him you are divorced?

In my opinion, honesty is always best. You don't want to start your relationship out on a lie. It's not a good foundation for a lifetime together. If you do tell him what you told us here, he may be angry that you didn't tell him the truth but hopefully, he will understand the difficulty of the situation.

I think you are doing right by saving up for the divorce yourself though. Two years is a long time to be separated and waiting for a divorce. You need to get that started, not for this new guy, but for yourself.

Also, if you don't want to answer this it's fine, but have you spent time in person with this guy or has it all been online? I only ask because you are talking about moving in together and rings and stuff like that and I just want to advise you to move slowly. A long distance/online relationship is a lot different than a relationship when you gradually spend time with someone. Since you have a child in the mix also I would just make sure that the relationship works in real life (as opposed to online) before making plans for the next steps.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 9:48pm

We found each other online and yes we have met in person. No, I don't think it's too soon to talk about rings and engagement. If he knows that I am the one for him and i know that he is the one for me then why not? It's one thing to talk about it and prepare for a future with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. it's another thing to actually do it. I feel so bad because I agree with you that i do not want our relationship to begin on lies but at the same time, I'm mad at my husband because had he not been dragging his feet, i would not still be married to him and waiting on divorce papers. Now I have to deal with the heartache of breaking the news to my boyfriend and I hope that he will understand that It wasn't my intention to stay married and I don't want him to think that I was torn between him and my ex or something. No, I did not tell him that I was divorced but I did have divorced as my relationship status in my online profile. We spoke briefly about that in the beginning. I asked him how long he had been divorced and who was the one that left and he asked me "How long have you and your ex husband been apart?" Since he didn't mention the word divorce, I didn't bring it up but i was prepared to bring up the whole thing had he specifically asked. I know he loves me

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2011
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 9:28am

You need to tell him...now. If the two of you stay together there is a good possibility that sooner or later he is going to find out when your divorce was finalized. Chances are he's going to be upset when you fess up, but the longer you wait the worse it will be. I'm sure you don't want to begin a relationship with dishonesty, as that is a recipe for disaster. He will think that he cant trust you...wonder what else he doesn't know. You don't want that.

What you can do is say that you didn't think that the relationship was going to turn into anything, so you didn't divulge everything. Since it is..you want him to know exactly what the deal is. This is your best bet.

As far as paying for the divorce...if the two of you don't have anything that you are going to fight over..meaning that the divorce will be uncontested, you can probably do the paperwork yourself and save the money. You really only need a lawyers help if there is property and money to be divided...child visitation issues...all of that stuff. I would look into it and see if you can do it yourself. I was able to do file for mine on my own, as we both agreed that we just wanted to ditch each other and be done with it.

I wish you luck with this, but really....you need to tell this man what is going on. If you don't you may lose him when it catches up to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 9:32pm

I would love to tell him ASAP, believe me but... remember I said he is currently deployed and stationed overseas. This is something that we need to discuss in person and I don't know when that will happen. So my idea is to hurry up with the divorce while he is gone and hope that it is completely oer by the time he gets back so I'm not tied to my ex still when I break the news to my DB. I would love to file for the divorce all on my own but... there is a child involved and I am also planning to file for full custody so I can't. And knowing my ex, everything would be contested with him because he is a control freak and any idea that I bring up to help establish peace and routine he wants to fight and argue with me on. So we would definately need legal intervention in order to have even the simplest things established.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
Sat, 06-04-2011 - 11:30am

Let me just say that I think your relationship with this new guy and your relationship with your "husband" should not have any bearing on one another.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Sat, 06-04-2011 - 8:33pm

I agree that it is wrong and that I do need to tell him but he is deployed and unable to communicate with me due to what he does so that's not an option and I would not want to bring something like this up while he is deployed anyway. Sorry! He is not in a position to hear something like is while he is risking his life and worrying about coming back home safely. That would not be the right place or time to bring up something like this. Like I said, I will wait until he gets back home to discuss this. I do want to get engaged and I want to be able to say yes when he asks me to marry him which is why I want to get this situation out of the way. And granted, I shouldn't have even began talking to anyone while still being married but in my mind I had moved on and I did not think that this was going to turn into something serious. I think that he will be a little upset but at the same time he would be understanding because he

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2008
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 8:35am

It just seems to me like you think this is everyone's fault but your own, and I think you need to take some responsibility and make things right.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2011
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 10:46am

I am going to tell him when he gets back so

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2011
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 11:02am

You have been separated for two years?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2006
Sun, 06-05-2011 - 11:56am

What I still don't really understand is why you would willingly give over power of YOUR life to someone like your ex?

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