Update in money matters

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Update in money matters
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 9:47am
Well, last time after I cooled off a little bit I sat down and wrote to him this email- though I wrote it in Spanish originally, I'm going to do my best to translate it. Any feedback from you girls will be greatly appreciated- as always have been. By the way...have I told you that I love u all...wow- without your support I would be probably sitting in a gutter in a pool of tears.....

Anyway here's the email I sent to my DH last night:

"There's a saying...."They want to attend mass and the procession too"...since you are a catholic you should understand this better than I do....

Listen Sam, you should understand the fact that if you want things done a certain way, you first have to comply, and when you left this house you left me "in the air", with things to resolve by myself (which I did).

At the moment you put your feet in that aircraft carrier you are in, you should've re-programmed your mind that, you couldn't take care of household matters, so you're leaving them to me instead. Sad enough, you left and I was left here without a lot of information and since what matters me is to resolve them immediately I cannot be constantly consulting everything to you.

You say that I don't trust you because I'm always finding things by myself without telling you first or without asking you beforehand, but, why when you left you did not sit to tell me "here's the bank account info, the online passwords is this, and that" or "if you want to check my LES you just log in here and the password is that". Etc, etc,...???

You are the head of the household but I have to think for you and for myself? Do I have to remind you of everything? I do not understand.

But I'm going to tell you why you did not tell me: You want to be in control and keep it. You want and me to consult you everything because it is the same as having the control of everything in this house.

Sam, you are there, with the war practically in front of your nose, what do you think it would happen if you need to stay there more than 6 months? With all the stress and the mental pressure, do you think you would be able to handle our household matters too? And what if you no longer have access to the Internet? How do I reach you? How are you going to reach me? You are too naive, and you are trusting too much that your circumstances are going to be kept the way they are now. What if things get real difficult? Maybe, and it's a fact both and I ignore, we might not be able to communicate as often as now. How do you want me to consult you things? By letters? I doubt it.

I would like to you to make a poll there with all the married guys, just to see how they are working out things at home. Because I feel that what you pretend is a little too unreal, under the circumstances you are in (deployed, at war with no date to return).

Just think about it."

Sooooooooooooooo, that was what I told him, and he already emailed me back, telling that it's true what I say.

But anyway, I can't keep my guard down. I know he still want to be in control.

Any comments?>>>>>>>

Avatar for ms_suzzyq
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 9:58am
I think it is a good start. You two have a lot of control issues to resolve but since he sounds open to it then you should keep working on them. And, you made a very good point, there is no way to predict what will happen and you may not be able to communicate very often in the future. There is no time like the present to get things worked out so that you are both happy and on the same page.

Good luck,


Avatar for mquin73
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:20am
I think it was very well written. And it's good that he agrees with you, then maybe he is willing to change. It's hard I know, but you both just have to keep working towards the fact that you are married and both of you make the decisions in this marriage, not just one of you. Everything that each of you decide affects the both of you.

I wish you lots of luck and hope that you both are able to work it all out and come to agreements.

Lots of hugs.


signature 2008

Avatar for mommykat2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-01-2003 - 10:30am
BRAVO! Sylvia, you write such "eloquaint" e-mails! LOL! You tell him! I hope he realizes that you can't read his mind. He needs to let go a little and focus on HIS task. I would've made it a point that what if he was in the middle of worrying about household stuff and he wasn't "ON GAURD", which our guys need to be!!! I probably would have wrote "I would rather you worry about your BACK, rather than the household bills!" (But, I'm a little more uncouth, I guess! LOL!)

Good luck!