Hey ladies!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
Hey ladies!
8
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 2:40pm

Hi gals! I'm not a regular member of this board, as my hubby is just an EMT (not for lack of trying - but I won't go into the very annoying politics of our local FD), but I need some advice that I'm hoping someone here can help me with. Warning, this is long!

Lately I have become *extremely* resentful of DH's schedule (24/48). We have two very young children (an almost 2 year old and an 8 month old) and I work full-time (M-F, 8 to 5) as well. The kids are in center-based daycare, and we can't just pay for part-time, so they go every day, even if DH is home. So that leaves him with 3, sometimes 4 days a week, where he is at home, alone, just "hanging out," allllll day long.

I'm resisting the urge to just stick my tongue out at him and tell him it's "NO FAIR!" :o)

Seriously though - what can I do to get over this? I mean I have no major complaints about him or our marriage, and I know this is something that isn't in his control - the schedule ain't gonna change - so this is something *I* have to fix. But how? I'm just so angry all the time at the fact that I get ZERO time to myself, ever (seriously, my daughter even follows me into the bathroom), while he gets to just lay around and watch tv and relax all day, three or four days a week.

Anybody have any advice? Anybody feel the same way? Or am I just a horrible, selfish woman? We started to have a conversation about it last week - I told him how stressed out I am - and he said it seemed like I would only be happy if he were "miserable" too - which isn't it - I just wish he knew how hard it is for me to get up with the baby all night when he's at the station, get myself ready for work with two kids clawing at my legs, drop them at daycare, head to work for 9 hours, and then try to call him on my lunch break and have to hear about his morning nap (!!!). UGH!

Someone help me before I lose it. :o) Thanks ladies!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2007
In reply to: reddirtmama
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 4:45pm

Hi Liz,


Welcome to our board, I'm glad you spoke up :)


I'm Jami (33) married for almost 9 years to Don (34) in Portland, OR.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
In reply to: reddirtmama
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 5:30pm

Thanks for your answer. :o) And if you wanted to give my DH a call about keeping the kids home a day or two a week, feel free. ;o) Kidding, but seriously - that would be awesome - I'm not sure why, but yeah, that would make me feel ten times better. Even if he just kept *one* kid (because I know the two can be really hard at this age) home, I'd be happy with that. But you know how men can be - if I suggest that, it will be the silliest idea he's ever heard of. So I need to find a way to plant that seed in his mind and let him think he's thought of it himself. :o) He has occasionally mentioned how nice it will be to, say, take the kids to the zoo on his days off when they're older - I guess he just still sees them as babies, although our older one is definitely not a baby anymore!

Anyway, I'm rambling, and yes, one of the main problems is me not demanding time for myself. I will definitely acknowledge that this is my problem, not his. He does do a really good job of keeping the house clean, etc - I told him a long time ago that if he got to be home alone practically all week, then I was not spending my *one* day with us together as a family on the weekend (okay, every third weekend we get both days all together, but most of the time he's gone one of the days and recovering from being gone the other) doing laundry or cleaning bathrooms while he played with the kids. So, yeah, I mean he does almost all the housework, and he's always got dinner ready for us when I get home with the kids.

I think I just need to whine to someone who understands. :o) DH just doesn't get it - I don't know if he just takes his alone time for granted or what, but he just really doesn't seem to understand what the big deal is. He's offered to take the kids to his parents for an hour or so on the weekends, but that never has happened - and even if he did, I'd probably spend the time cleaning the pantry or something equally unnecessary.

Wow, I'm rambling. :o) As to your question, they're really busy - I do appreciate the fact that while he's there, most shifts he doesn't get any sleep at all. But, our younger child has some health issues, so I sleep in hour and a half to two hour spurts every single night as it is, so I have very little sympathy considering he gets to come home and nap all day while I'm at work, kwim?

Thanks again for your response, you definitely gave me some things to think about!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2006
In reply to: reddirtmama
Tue, 02-24-2009 - 6:24pm
Hiii from Western OK here! I'm Glynn (20) engaged to Z (22) paid volunteer FF/EMT and future paramedic (he's in school currently). I was excited when I saw your name "reddirtmama" so I knew you had to be a smart woman. I don't really know much about the child situation, but maybe you could tell him it would be great if he could take the older child to the zoo, or to the park on a day that it was going to be nice out, or if your older child has accomplished something big (first tooth, first time to use the potty chair {for the younger child}, saying please and thank you, not getting in trouble for a whole day etc) that way he could start doing it, and maybe get used to the bonding time with the kids, so that maybe he would want to do it more often, and it wasn't such a "silly" idea.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: reddirtmama
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 8:09am

Hi Liz! I'm Gail, married to Tim for 21 years. We have two kids, Matthew is 19 and Brittany is 17. We live in Philly where Tim is a career FF/EMT/Haz Mat guy. I work full time as a Phlebotomist/Medical Assistant.


Glad you found us here. Feel free to stick around here too.....he doesn't have to be a FF for us to understand how you feel!


First, I totally agree with Jami (big surprise there!lol). I know how

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2008
In reply to: reddirtmama
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 9:33am

Thank you for your response! You hit the nail right on the head. :o) I don't think my DH is intentionally doing anything malicious, I think he's just kind of oblivious, kwim?

It really helps to know that other women have felt this way and found a solution. :o) Thanks again!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2009
In reply to: reddirtmama
Thu, 02-26-2009 - 10:59am

Hey Liz!

My name is Lynn. I'm 24 and engaged to Ley, 24, ff/medic for the city of Hampton, Va. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling the stress and your DH doesn't seem to understand....I think we all know what that's like. I can't really add contribute much because we don't have kids yet and Ley's station is constantly running calls, so I don't but him too much on his days off. I do however, know what it's like to feel jealous of all the time they get to just "hang out" when he is off from the hospital as well. I agree with what everyone else has noted so far, and that is compromise, compromise, compromise. He might need that day after work to just chill out, but he really should be taking the initiative to spend some time with the kids...even if it is just to wear them out for you a little before you get home in the evening one or two nights a week. I really can't help much, but I know that with our relationship we have to compromise A LOT and if we were selfish and chose not to then we wouldn't still be together.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer some words of encouragement. It sounds like your a very busy woman, but it also sounds like your an amazing mom and wife! I hope DH starts to come around. I'm sure he will. I hope you have a wonderful weekend:)

Lynn
Newport News, Va

Love my FF/Medic ~Lynn & Ley~
Lynn Newport News, Va Love my FF/Medic ~Lynn & Ley~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2009
In reply to: reddirtmama
Sat, 03-07-2009 - 4:36pm

Hi Kathy here (21)! I can't give input on your situation with the children.. But... I can definitely assure you that you are not selfish at all! I just posted a thread about my insecurities and feelings about his time away, especially when it's one on one with a woman emt/ff/driver... It is totally normal and trust me I'm sure most of us are in the same boat!!!

~XoXo

Kathy

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~XoXo
Kathy
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
In reply to: reddirtmama
Fri, 03-13-2009 - 11:56am

Oh Liz!

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