Help with police officer bf

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2011
Help with police officer bf
2
Sun, 01-05-2014 - 4:03pm

Hello everyone,

I am new here and have only been reading posts rather than posting anything.

I decided to seek your help regarding my b/f who is an officer.

We have known each other for about 4.5 years.  We are always on and off and it is because he seems to always run away when things go well.  He is a commitment phobe and has let me know that he has problems with commitment.  He is a great guy - intelligent, kind, family oriented, kind, interesting, funny, etc.  I love spending time with him and I don't see myself dating anhybody else.  We break up and both try to date others but we end up getting back together since we both have feelings for one another.  He is a bit insecure and thinks i will eventually leave him.  

He has a hard time showing emotion, does not talk much on days off, likes to just lay ont he couch watch tv and relax.  In the beginning, when we started dating, things started going too serious, too fast.  He freaked out and ran.  I understand that his job is difficult since i work in law enforcement as a civilian and have friends who are officers.  I enjoy just spending time with him at home and I am not the type of person who needs to constantely go out. 

Las week when we got together again, he let me know that he is not cheating on me but he does not know how long it will last.   I told him that I really missed him and he told me that, "nobody misses him".  He sometimes talks about dying and tells me that if he gets married, I iwll eventually divorce him.  He also believes that he cannot be a good provider since he does not make enough money.  

I love him and would like to have a relationship with him.  I don't pressure him about anything more.  

How should I act with him?  Breaking up is not an option - I still have feelings for him and it is difficult to let go of something good.  Any other suggestions?

Thank you very much in advance!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-06-2014 - 10:52am

I don't really think this has anything to do with him being a police officer--I think you should post this on the general relationship problems board and see if you get other responses.  I think that he is probably depressed--not talking, not wanting to go out, having low self esteem, dwelling on negative thoughts.  This is not something that you can fix and you can't make him happy.  If you are lucky, you could convince him to go to a counselor.  Have you asked him why he feels that you are going to leave him?  What I think will happen is that he will say something like "I don't make enough money," you will say that he does, but he'll still continue to believe the negative things because people who are depressed don't respond to logical arguments (I was married to a guy with bipolar disorder so I have some experience in this).  I think if he does not get counseling and continues in this way, you are never going to have a good relationship--sorry, but it doesn't seem that he is able to commit to someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2011
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 8:59pm

Thank you for the response.  The only reason why I posted it here is that I started sdating him when he had just started working as a police officer and I have noticed that he has gotten more depressed throughout the years.  He doesn't talk much and our conversations are very short.  After so many years, I am ust ready to give up and move on.  As much as it hurts me, he is making me depressed with his moodswings and behavior.