Are we a couple or am I a fool?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2014
Are we a couple or am I a fool?
8
Wed, 07-02-2014 - 10:10pm

so I knew him for about 6 months before he asked me out. He took me by surprise so on impulse I said yes. We went to lunch that day. It was Halloween and he invited me to a party with him. I told him that I had to go and take my daughter trick or treating so he offered to go with us. I told him no because I don't like to introduce men to my children unless I know their going to be around for a while. He said he understood and texted me the whole time I was trick or treating with her.he asked if he could come over after she went to bed. I said yes and we spent 3 hours just talking and just hanging out. He didn't even kiss me until two and a half hours into it. Over the next several weeks we texted back and forth a lot (we live in different towns). every time I went to the town he lives in for work which is two days a week he would make me lunch and bring it to me. He was romantic and completely swept me off my feet. I haven't had good luck with men in the past and I kept telling him that I thought he was too good to be true. Finally I agreed to relax and just see where things would go.

the first couple of months were great. Our second date he went to a family wedding with me and he spent Christmas with us. as we approached Valentines Day he kept talking about how he knows how to do Valentines right. then Valentine's Day came and it was a complete flop. I got flowers delivered to work which was really nice and he made me dinner but he also got into a very negative conversation regarding relationships. I went home feeling sad and a little discouraged but I wasn't ready to give up. Soon after we pretty much stopped having sex. I asked him about it and he said he just didn't have a sex drive anymore. He's 33 so I don't really believe that. I honestly don't think that he is sleeping with anyone else. I just think he doesn't want to sleep with me. He also has a history of very unhealthy relationships and a very abusive and neglectful childhood. So I'm trying to allow for that and the understanding and patient but as time goes on he backs away more and more. For example when we first started talking he said that when he wants the right person he's a very sexual and for a while he was. Then he said he just wasn't interested in sex but he would be happy to make sure I was "taken care of".then it was he's not really interested in sex so we can make out once in awhile. Now we're pretty much to the point where we don't hold hands we don't hug we only kissed one we're saying goodbye and it's pretty much just a peck. I've told him that I miss intimacy and by that I don't necessarily mean sex. I told him that I miss holding hands and hugging and just being together.

so I realized that I was more emotionally invested in this than he is and I told him that I needed a little time to think and figure out what is right for me. I took a day or two and then we started talking again and i asked him what i am to him. He  told me that I am his best friend and that he loves me but as a friend and that he needs me in his life. He says I'm his rock this port in a storm. He says he doesn't know what he would do without me but he's just not feeling the relationship thing with me. however he says we will still have date nights he'll still come down and stay at my house on a weekend or I can still come up there and stay with him on a weekend and nothing has changed. He said he still doesn't want to look for anyone else he doesn't want to date anyone else and I'm still his significant other.

my question is what the heck does this man want? I'm not asking for a ring on my finger or moving in I just want to know is this a relationship and how it's possible to be someone's best friend and significant other but not be in a relationship with them. If anyone can shed some light on this for me I would really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-03-2014 - 10:12am

He told you straight out that he sees you as a friend not a romantic partner and also demonstrated this by refusing to have any physical contact with you.  I don't really understand why or how someone can start off being romantic and having sex and then changing his mind but I don't really think it matters.  I think if you still have romantic feelings for him you should really take a long break from seeing him at all and try to date other people.  Maybe at some point you will agree that you can be friends but not while you are emotionally involved with him or wishing things could be different.

One thing that struck me here is that this guy is selfish--lookd at what he said to you.  He needs you in his life, he doesn't know what he would do without you--well, what about your needs and what you want?  he's not willing to have any kind of intimacy even though you want it.  he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you, even though that's what you want.  So you are apparently meeting his needs but not vice versa.  I also wonder if he isn't telling the truth about not having much of a sex drive--maybe he could make himself do it for a while but he couldn't keep it going for that long.  It's really not that normal for such a young man to want to hang out with a woman but not have any physical contact.  If he's willing to be spending weekends with you, chances are that he's not dating other women--do you think he's gay?  Or maybe just has a very low libido.

In any case, I don't think you are a fool.  he kind of changed the rules as you went along.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2014
Thu, 07-03-2014 - 12:11pm

Thank you for your response. You have confirmed a lot of what I was thinking regarding me meeting his needs and his being selfish. I am questioning the intimacy part of things in a new way. He has told me that his part relationships were very sexually charged and also volatile. He had been attracted to women who are into partying. He had had issues with fighting with past partners in loud and vigorous ways and then they would just go on allowing issues to remain unresolved and this build on one another. The two fights we have had have been relatively quiet and I have ensured a resolution has been reached prior to conclusion. I don't believe in holding grudges and bringing up past issues once they have been resolved. I wonder if he is just not accustomed to this type of relationship. 

That being said I'm a fixer and I want to help everyone I meet. Having been burned in my past relationships I know I can't fix anyone. So I am learning to draw the line for my own mental health. 

The hardest part for me to understand is he says I'm his significant other. He still calls me by the pet names he's used all along and he still sends me good morning and goodnight text kisses. As for being gay, I'm sure that's not the case. In the beginning he was very passionate and the physical relationship was very mutually satisfying. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-03-2014 - 8:40pm

Has he ever had a long term relationship with a woman that you know of?  My son is 19 and gay but of course his first relationships were with girls.  He had one GF that he was on & off with for about 2 yrs.  I just think for your own good you have to tell him that this isn't the kind of relationship that you find satisfying and break up with him and start looking for someone else to date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2014
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 12:54am

He was married for 6 years. We spoke tonight and he said he is very satisfied with what we have. I asked him if it mattered to him that I'm not and he said of course it does. However i also know that doesn't mean he'll change his mind.

It's so hard to walk way because he is generally a very kind person. He is fun and treats me well. I've been in several abusive relationships and I'm in the mind set right now of at least he doesn't threaten me or call me names etc. Thank you for responding. I feel like I can't turn to friends because I'm supposed to be this strong, independent woman and I'm one again in relationship turmoil. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 9:42am

Reesie, Don't feel like a failure because you are yet in another failed relationship. So many women nowadays, including myself and many of my friends, have found ourselves in a toxic dating world with sub-standard men. I'm glad that you're learning that you can't, nor should you, fix a broken man. Yes, he has some good traits, but your major needs are not being met, and so if you stay with him, you are settling. Is this what you want to do with your one precious life? Waste it on a man who wants to be friends? After my divorce, I dated for 2 and a half years before meeting my future husband. During that time, I thought I'd worked on myself to become a strong, independent woman who would choose a man wisely. I made so many mistakes. Like you, I was in a 1 year relationship with someone who I thought was too good to be true at the beginning. At the same time frame as yours, at the 4 month mark, his libido began to wane. He only wanted to be intimate twice a month, far from satisfactory for me. I could also see that I was not a priority in his life. It boggles my mind that I stayed a year with him, hoping that things would change to go back to the way there were in the beginning. He actually broke up with me and I was devastated. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't kick him to the curb after 6 months.

I finally met my future husband who I've been with for 5 years. His libido has remained the same throughout all these years, which matches mine. I've always consistently felt I was a priority, and he makes me feel special on a daily basis. That's the trick to happiness--keep cutting loose the ones who don't make the grade until you find the man who meets all of your main needs and keeps it going year after year. You'll thank yourself when that happens. 

As far as staying friends with him, don't. Your future significant other won't appreciate you staying friends with a man you once had sex with, and it will also prevents you from closure. So what if he's upset? You're not a sacrificial lamb. Nobody else looks out for your best interests. That's your job. Be firm. Don't reply to his calls, e-mails, after you break up with him and explain that a no-contact rule is best. After you mourn the relationship, try meetups.com, a good place to meet men who enjoy activities you like in your area. Feel good about not investing more than 6 months of your life to him. Better things await you. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 12:48pm

It's good that he is not abusive because some women can't get out of the habit of choosing abusive men, but that's kind of a basic requirement--you know we should have basic requirements for any date--he's not abusive, he can support himself, in my case it would be that he doesn't smoke or take drugs--but those are such basic requirements that there are so many men that can meet them.  You should immediately not even consider anyone who doesn't meet the basic requirements but after that you will not be in a happy relationship unless you get more.  You should really make a list of what you want from a man--start with the "must have" and then add the "would be nice."  You can give somewhat on the "would be nice" list but you shouldn't give up on the "must have."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 07-06-2014 - 4:26pm

I just want to send hugs and tell you ..you are worth more than what he willing to give you. Don't settle..there is someone out there who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Malea

Looking to work from home ? Ask me how :

www.askmalea.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 07-06-2014 - 4:26pm

I just want to send hugs and tell you ..you are worth more than what he willing to give you. Don't settle..there is someone out there who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

Malea

Looking to work from home ? Ask me how :

www.askmalea.com