breaking the agreement

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2014
breaking the agreement
4
Wed, 07-23-2014 - 8:21am

  Ok here is my story sorry beforehand if I ramble.......
 
 
     My husband and I have been married for 15 years been together 16     
            In Sept of 2012 I had corrective surgery done from the effects of stage 3 bladder cancer I had in 2006. Well after this surgery sex was too painful to even consider I chalked it up too scar tissue ..My husband has ALWAYS been very sexual person..So I felt bad for him and said he could seek a friend outside the marriage we only had 3 rules
 
1.  He wouldn't fall in love
 
2. I could look anytime I wanted at text or email's that he sent to other woman
 
3.  If I said stop it stopped
 
Well thing were going fine I knew he had friends here n there and that didn't bother me. And A couple of times I said stop and he did. So everything was going fine. Well this past January they finally figured out why sex was painful and I had surgery to correct it. We tried to have sex in February and it still hurt...I was upset and thought the surgery didn't work.Now as anyone knows if something is painful YOU DON"T WANT IT ....And I told my husband that my sex drive was gone which it was you don't like things that hurt you.
   So anyway he started going to the bars and I guess hooking up there with woman.Until June when he told  me he had met a woman that he was compatible with and  it was gonna be so much better being with just 1 woman then the bar s which I agreed.
We even had this woman over to dinner where I could meet her. She seemed nice and even asked me if I was ok with this and that she would never be the "other" woman to A married an if the wife wasn't ok with it.Then they BOTH told me if I said stop it would stop ...So a week or so went buy and I look at the email's they are sending and they are planning trips together out west and how there lives are gonna be so wonderful and that they loved each other......I was pissed to say the least...I confronted Joe and he said oh it was just talk and the whole new relationship thing so I let it go..Then I see an email were they were together when he told me he was working
  So I said that it had to stop it was going way too fast I mean I knew what they were doing but come there planning these trips and I am just suppose to sit here alone WTH.
  Well Joe told me ok he would break it off with her this was weekend before last...So that Monday I think thing are fine she is gone ( Oh and in the meantime we tried sex again and it didn't hurt) so that was back. Well he didn't break it off like he said he would and she is not gonna break it off either....I am just at a total loss here I want to scream cry and just crawl in A hole and die...He tells me he still loves me and is IN love with me but that I am not gonna take away his fun...He also says every time I want to talk about it I am pushing him out the door so I can't even share my feelings with him about this the slightest little question sends him off. I even asked him about marriage counseling and he said no no reason just flat out no... I still have problems from the cancer and because of them I can not work And I haven't worked long enough as an adult to get disability busy raising his 2 kids and my 2 kids...
 So when I said to him I have no say or choice about this he said yes you do we can sell the house and get A divorce WHAT I DO NOT WANT a divorce ...I have to give up my life of 16 years because he can't give up this woman?? 
   Now he says how funny it is that my sex drive has come back right when he meets her I can not help that I got scared when we tried it and it was still sore maybe we tried too soon I don't know.
 
  Now here is the kicker As long as I do not mention anything about this affair (It became an affair when they went back on there word in my book) and as long as I don't show any emotion over all of it everything is wonderful he leaves me love notes in the morning and has coffee set up for me ..He has brought me flowers if you were in my house you would swear we don't have a problem in the world he is al lovey dovey...And yet she is still in the picture and he is still planning trips with her and saying he loves her ...I still check his email's even though I have been forbidden to look at them anymore or his text either. Hell he tod me he was  working late tomorrow is he no he is going to  see her..
 
   And not 10 min ago he sent me a text saying how I was the best wife A man could ever want....I am A complete wreck here.I can't eat can't sleep and I go around all day either crying with a knot in my stomach. I feel like I am walking on eggshells and can't express anything to him. I am lost and scared and hurt and mad and feel like the rug has been ripped from under me. I only did this to begin with because I love him so much and felt it was unfair for him not to be able to have sex it wasn't his fault I got sick.
 
I just want her gone but it doesn't look like that is gonna happen anytime soon. So here I sit miserable and upset
 
Is there anything I can do to feel A little normal againI don't know...

He is going to go see her this weekend and I am A total wreck and he doesn't seem at all bothered about it says he is but I don't see it

I love him so much and do not want to break my marriage up He is my whole world

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Wed, 07-23-2014 - 11:53am

Wow...well you need to get a divorce then. I know I know..financial wise it wouldn't be smart...for YOU..BUT your health is getting worse the more and more you stay in this mess which you created by the way. NEVER tell someone you love that it would be ok to sleep with someone outside your marriage UNLESS you REALLY mean it.Rules are ALWAYS broken in things like this...there is NO rules really.That was just something you stated to him THINKING that things would go smoothly ..and it didn't. I  know in your heart you were thinking you were doing the commendable thing by allowing your husband to be with other women because of what you were going through after the surgery..BUT those types of surgeries I would assume does take TIME To HEAL... HE should have loved you enough to respect that and YOU should have NEVER thought of this crazy idea. SO what is his sex drive is high...IF he loved you he would have WAITED for you to heal properly. I tell you...NEVER compromise yourself and your integrity for ANYONE!  Get a divorce because like you said..HE stated he doesn't want to go to counseling..you're the only one that is miserable in all of this because those 2 don't care how you feel.Just end it. YOu can always find a good work from home job and depend on yourself.Screw him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Wed, 07-23-2014 - 12:09pm

Wow ! What a stressful situation to be in .. I think you need to do some soul searching and decide what you can and can't handle . Maybe look into alternative ways to earn an income vs a fill time job. There are lots of options . You also need counseling .. If your husband won't go .. Go by yourself . 

Malea

Looking to work from home ? Ask me how :

www.askmalea.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 07-23-2014 - 2:01pm

I think one thing that you need to do is to consult a divorce attorney, even though you don't want a divorce.  You need to be armed with facts, at least.  Are your kids still dependents?  Then your DH would have to pay child support.  If they are grown, then you have a long term marriage and he might have to pay alimony.  You would have information about the assets that you would get if you were to split everything--he is thinking about selling the house, but if he has a pension, he might not think about the fact that you would also be entitled to half his pension.  You would know if he would have to keep you on his health insurance plan, etc.

Right now he has all the power--you can cry all you want to about the OW but you have no bargaining chip if you can't afford to leave either.  You might also consider whether you can get a legal separation and have him support you, (but financially sometimes divorce is better.)  In hindsight it was obviously a mistake to allow him to have women on the side.  You no. 1 rule about not falling in love could never be enforced unless he was only going to go to prostitutes.  No one can control their feelings--he might not have planned to fall in love but then he met this woman.  Oh and you should also both get checked for STDs now because since he had been sleeping with diffferent people before her, you can't even be sure that he didn't catch something that he could pass on to you.

the current situation is just unsustainable and hurtful to you.  He's like living the dream--it might be true that he's still in love with  you.  After all, you didn't do anything bad to him, you have a long history together, etc.  But after being with someone for a long time, things might get a little boring and of course a new relationship has the excitement, plus if you have health problems, that can also be stressful to the caretaker so this OW lets him forget about his problems and they can just go out and have fun--but all that is just not fair to you, unless you agree that you are going to have an open marriage.  So basically it seems like your only choices are to let him go along with this or to leave him, if he's not willing to give her up.  Maybe the threat of actually getting divorced and losing half his money will be the thing to make him change his attitude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Wed, 07-23-2014 - 4:29pm

Hind sight is always 20/20.  I think the biggest mistake you made was automatically equating intercourse with sex.  While it might be painful to have intercourse, there are 1001 ways to be sexual with your husband, give him AND yourself pleasure without actual intercourse.  

Whether he was able to have sexual relationship with other women without being emotionally involved, the tone of your rules are more like instructions from a mother to her child than a mutual understanding between two grown people.  He probably resented them.  One minute he can play with his toy, the next minute you yank it back.  

At this point I think you need to focus on moving forward.  Agree with Music that you should at least consult a divorce lawyer and know your options.