Dating a man that is married

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2014
Dating a man that is married
9
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 9:52pm

Hello everyone,

A year and a half ago, I met a very sweet guy and we have been seeing each  other since.  The issue for us is that he has been married for 17 years and for the last five he and his wife had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy for their marriage.  Meaning they could see other people and wanted to stay together for the sake of their daughter who is 16.  Since meeting me, he has decided he no longer wants to go along with this arrangement and wants a divorce.  I have met his daughter and he has met mine, and they come over often. Although his wife initiated this way of living for them, she is making it difficult to go along with the divorce and feels he needs to support her in the manner she has been accustomed to and she does not work summers.  She has spent the summer doing whatever she wants, coming and going as she pleases.

 

If we want to see each other we either spend time in my home or go out somewhere. I am starting to grow tired of the whole thing. Yes, I know I signed on for this, but I honestly didn't think it would be this hard. I want a normal relationship and he says we have one with the exception of going to his house. He is currently with his daughter on vacation to see his family and he told me he will take me there someday. His family knows about me yet I was not invited to go along.

I love him, but I have to wonder if I am wasting my time. This is a very unconventional situation!!  I don't know if anyone else is in this situation or has ever been?

Thanks so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-11-2014 - 11:42pm

I think it's funny that he said that your relationship is normal "except you don't go to his house."  No your relationship is not normal because he is still married and supporting his wife and living with her.  I think that this is one of those times where you just have to say to him that you thought that this arrangement was going to work out when you started it, but you realized that it is not what you want and you don't want to have a relationship with a married man.  Then you really have to see if he actually does anything about it.  I'm sure his wife doesn't want to give up what she has now--it seems to me that most women really wouldn't be ok with having affairs on both sides if they were really in love, so maybe they are staying together because she likes having him financially support her--so now of course she doesn't like it if that arrangement is going to end, so maybe he will decide that he doesn't want to lose his money either.  But if he doesn't seem that he's going to go through with the divorce, then you just have to break up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2014
Sat, 07-12-2014 - 8:18pm
Thank you Musiclover.. Yes, when he returns from his family vacation, we will have a talk. Yes, he truly believes he is doing the best he can by "trying to get her out" (the wife) by taking out a second home loan in order to get her a place. But he wants to get the "lowest rate" blah blah blah and it seems as if they never just sit down together and hash it all out. That and he is visiting his family and sending me all these pictures, well that is all well and good, but after more than a year, I feel I should have been invited to meet his sister etc. My feelings are hurt by that and his dragging it all out. Thanks for replying!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sun, 07-13-2014 - 8:54am

You haven't gone anywhere, so he and his wife can take all the time they need, and he'll still be getting what he wants--a stable financial situation and a mistress on the side. Are you 100 percent sure he's not having sex with his wife? You have 3 options. Be patient, keep things as they are and hope for the best. Or, tell him the relationship doesn't work for you like this, and if he's ever divorced and living in separate quarters from his ex, that he can contact you and see if you're still available. Or, stay in the relationship but begin pulling away to scare him. Be a lot busier than normal and turning down dates more often. Get some new hobbies and take part in activity groups. Maybe then he won't take you for granted and get the ball rolling. 

He plans to get his wife another house and remain in the original home? Does this mean if you two continued in a  relationship, that you would move into that home? Would you be comfortable in his wife's previous abode? Something to think about. No matter the financial consequences, he should be willing to take that hit for the chance at a new life. If the financial situation is more important than you, you may want to consider the idea that he considers his finances more important than his relationship with you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Sun, 07-13-2014 - 6:33pm
Just walk away from this.You wasted part of your life..don't waste anymore.Look the wife will make his life..meaning yours too a living hell because she doesn't want a divorce because she would lose out on financial support.Why did you get involved with someone who is married to begin with? I'm sure he's a nice guy BUT here is the thing...NO ONE makes you stay with someone if you're not happy in the marriage.If he really loved you..he would have filed for divorce a long time ago because life is too short.Most people want to be with the person that they love BUT the ones that use the kids as an excuse to be still in that situation..what they're REALLY saying is that they're afraid to lose MONEY in the end.It's always MONEY in the end when it comes to these people who are married..yet then take on a mistress or lover and then the mistress or lover wants them to leave the married spouse..it will ALWAYS be MONEY as the main factor of why they would rather stay in that huge drama..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 1:06am

Sorry to say, but I think you bought into a bunch of baloney.  Men will say anything to get another woman.  For example, "we don't sleep together anymore, we have an open relationship, I'm planning on divorcing her very soon," etc.  I suggest giving him an ultimatum, and if he doesn't come thru in say, one month, then walk away.  On the other hand, do you really want a guy that you had to force his hand??

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 07-19-2014 - 7:47pm

If you want a secure long term relationship that is completely out in the open, then yes you are wasting your time.

What has he told his family about you? What does his daughter think your relationship is? Daddy's girlfriend, or just his "friend"? At 16 she should be able to figure it out regardless of what he tells her, so how is this charade for her sake? Why didn't he take you to visit the relatives? (I would find it kind of awkward if a relative came to visit with his kid and his mistress instead of his wife.)

Have you met his friends and coworkers, do you go to get-togethers with him? How does he introduce you, and does anyone ever think you are his wife or ask about his wife? I'm just trying to get an idea of how "normal" this relationship is.

It doesn't sound like he will be divorcing anytime soon if he's buying a second home for his wife. Why not divorce and let her worry about getting her own house? The daughter will be an adult in less than 2 years (for child support reasons) so that excuse will be running out. For how long are you willing to go along with this? You could give him an ultimatum but like somebody already said, will you want a man that you you had to force into it? I think its fine to tell him that you've realized you want to be with a man who is truly available and unfortunatley he doesn't fit that description.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2014
Tue, 07-22-2014 - 11:21am

Getting in bed with someone who's already in bed with somebody else could never end well... Walk away from this while you still can!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 07-24-2014 - 6:08pm

Hello!  I hope you come back and give us an update.

Safire pretty much hit the nail on the head regarding your 3 choices.  

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, this clearly isn't working for you.  To make my story short, 2 years of living with me, still not divorced.  I was done.  No ultimatum.  I simply said "I can no longer live with a married man."  The rest was up to him.  He moved out.  And couple months later he filed for divorce and shortly after he moved back in.  8 years later we have now been married a year.  

Second thing, I bet money that they have been intimate.  I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but don't it put it past him.  

Third, like already mentioned, what happens is the W likes her freedom, but still wants the perks of a DH.  I only put it out there that way because clearly this is all in the open.  I have heard it over, and over, and over on these boards.  

I love my DH, I knew in my gut we were supposed to be together, but I wish I would have waited until he was actually divorced.  

I am not saying this to be mean, I am saying this to be real.  You are still the Other Woman.  I was still the OW in my own home.  He is still married, sweetie.  I was okay with it for a while, too.  Heck, he lived with me.  Surely he is ready to get divorced, right?  

Good luck and feel free to send me a privage message.

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2014
Sun, 07-27-2014 - 5:46am
I think you have to have serious discussion with him if he love you and eager to be with you he has to do something with his marriage. In another way you can repeat sad experience of people (I know such ones) who find there BF/GF in internet on facebook originclub.com or different datin' sites. Some of them unhappy with current marriage end try to find their love but often it's too difficult to them to divorce