Is my GF testing me, or is she not ready for a relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2014
Is my GF testing me, or is she not ready for a relationship?
7
Thu, 07-10-2014 - 12:14am

Hello ladies,

I need a woman's perspective on this. I am a 48 yo widower guy of Middle Eastern origin, a physician, have 2 young girls. Recently met (online) a woman who's significantly younger than I am, also of Middle Eastern origin. We went out a few times and we seem to have hit it off. We even started talking about potentially getting married. On the Fourth of July weekend we went dancing for the first time. Overall we had fun and a good time. But on one occasion during she told me "not to be glued to her like this" in the club.  On the same evening she went to the restroom and I waited outside the club for her for over 20 mins. When she finally came out she said there was a line to the restroom, and that on her way out a song that she liked was playing so she started dancing to it alone, and of course shortly she was approached by a guy who wanted to dance with her- all while I'm waiting outside for her. 

I don't know about you but this strikes me a bit as inconsiderate. To leave me waiting while she's dancing alone and then dancing with another guy. I just wanted a tally of opinions:

Is she testing me to see if I'm going to be too possessive since I'm much older?

is it normal for her to continue to want other guys' attention in the club given her age?,

is she just out to play and not ready for a relationship?,

or am I just a grumpy old fart?

Thanks for your input

K. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008

Hi Giguy,  

Shamely I have done similar thing in the past.  That guy is much older than me.  I went out with him just to test the water until maybe at certain point I feel nahhh he is not for me.  It does't mean I want to play his heart. 

You have to see if she keeps doing the same thing in the future, she is just not for you.  Give her another chance :)  Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2014
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010

I think it was very inconsiderate for her to stay in the club dancing--with another man or alone---when she knew you were waiting for her outside. Doesn't matter if its an older man waiting, or a same age gal friend, or whoever. That's just rude to leave somebody waiting because she found something she wanted to do more at that moment.

Of everything you said, what stood out for me was that you said you went out a few times, and talked about potentially getting married. That sounds too fast to me because you usually don't learn a person's character that quickly. As it happened, you learned something important about her when you went to the club. It may not have anything to do with your age or even her age, she may just be an inconsiderate person.

Is she testing me to see if I'm going to be too possessive since I'm much older? Age doesn't determine whether a man is possessive, young men can be very possessive. Can't tell if she is testing you.

is it normal for her to continue to want other guys' attention in the club given her age?, Again, not an age-based behavior. IMO its more about insecurity if a woman needs the attention of more than her bf or husband. Exactly how young is she?? Her comment about not being glued to her in the club, what prompted that? Were you acting very possessive there, always holding on to her or something? If not then saying that seems very rude. If she goes out with you as your date (and probably at your expense) then the expectation is that she will be with you. If she wants to be free to run around the club then she shouldn't go with a date.

is she just out to play and not ready for a relationship?, Can't tell without knowing a lot more about her behavior in general. Since she is young its very possible that she still wants to play and won't be ready to settle down for months or years, and in your case settling down means becoming an instant mother and possibly other roles as a doctor's wife. Again, age doesn't always determine this, there are 22 year old women who are ready to settle down and 35 year olds still not ready.

or am I just a grumpy old fart? I think you are justified in being unhappy with her treatment of you.

I think that if you are looking at her age as an excuse for her behavior then she is probably too young or immature for you, especially if you are hoping to find a wife in the near future. And if she's making you think of yourself as an old fart then that's another problem. If you're feeling "tested" after a few dates consider it a red flag and cut her loose.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2014

Hi Remdamma

She's 28. About her comment at the club, I was not being too possessive, but I was just dancing close to her and touching her a lot- like any couple who like each other would. And yes, it was all at my expense, including staying for the long weekend at a nice downtown hotel!

Thanks K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008

She is 28 and you are 48.........? That is a 20 year difference..............Are you kididng me? She is def. using you for some fun and is def. not ready to settle down..................you dont know her at all...............she could be a gold digger or whatever and your ego is getting in the way..............Yeah; you must be feeling good that a 28 year old would go out with a 48 year old .but that wont be long term...............Patty Stanger always says date women who are closer to your age if you want committment .

And yes that was rude of her to dance in the club with another guy while you were waiting outside.. I wouldnt give her another chance but that is me..

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

If you want to get married I think you need to reassess the kind of woman you are looking for.  I'm not saying that a big age difference can't  work--my best friend married a guy who was 26 yrs older than her--she was 23.  The big difference there was that he had never been married before and didn't have kids so they started a family togther.  they did end up divorced, but so did I and I married a guy near my age--that wasn't the reason.  But look, you need to have someone who is going to be willing to be a mother to two young children.  do you think a 28 yr old is really going to want to give up going out a lot and will take care of kids?  I think a better choice would be a woman who is a single mother herself so she knows what raising children is like or maybe a woman in late 30's, early 40's who likes kids and has had enough time being single so that she wants to settle down.  Also I think that talking about marriage to someone where you have only been on a few dates is kind of crazy--you really can't tell what a person is like until you have been dating at least 6 months.

Now back to your original question.  If I went to a club with a man on a date, I would not expect to dance with anyone else unless we were with a group of friends.  That's really the benefit of being on a date--you don't  have to look for men to dance with, you don't have to dance with your girlfriends and you don't have the creepy drunk guys after you.  The fact that she didn't want you to be clinging to her seems to me that she didn't really want the young guys to know that she was on a date with you.  I  originally thought that you might be too touchy-feely with her, but if she was willing to stay in a hotel with you (and I assume have sex) then why would she care if you touched her?  And even if I was not on a date and my friends were ready to leave a club, I would leave with them--I would certainly not leave someone standing and waiting for 20 mins. while I kept dancing.  So I would say that she's not ready for a relationship---with you!  

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2014
Thanks to everyone for your input :)