Past, present.... future unknown!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2014
Past, present.... future unknown!
Thu, 08-14-2014 - 9:36pm

I'll start by saying I didn't break up with the guy from my last post. I tried, but the truth is I thought I loved him. In reality there are many things about him that I do love. But there are many things about him that I'm finding it hard to tolerate and maybe that's what led to what happened today. The guy I'm seeing has no kids and I have a child with a disability. This requires time and extra energy from me, obviously. He has few bills or responsibilities, while I own a home, pay child care etc. The thing I'm finding it hard to tolerate is his drinking and smoking pot. It seems he is always short on money unless it comes to a new tattoo, alcohol or pot. Don't get me wrong I have tattoos, drink on the weekends occasionally and have tried a little  weed. But with him it's every night and all he seems to talk about. It's getting old. There is a 9 year age difference with me being older. Anyway, back to what happened today. I have an ex, who I was actually seeing when I started seeing, let's call him Craig. My ex, I'll call him Ken, and I have talked a few times over the past 9 months and Craig is aware of that. But today I saw Ken in person for the first time. He hugged me so tight and kissed my cheek and we talked about his divorce, each of our children, our homes and jobs. I realized quickly how much I've missed him. While taking about our lives he told me that just another month and we'll all be together again. He said he had to pull away when he did because of all the issues with his ex wife. Over the time we we together we would often talk about how to resolve the issues amicably and keep their child from being affected too much. He often took my advice knowing I'd been through this and because he respected my input. I understood why he needed to back away from our relationship while his divorce was pending. It will be final in October. The problem is he never communicated to me that he saw this as temporary. He didn't ask me to wait. Maybe he felt that would be too much to ask. Anyway, he rubbed my shoulders and it was just what I needed. For some reason I didn't mention Craig at all. Well. One thing led to another and we had sex. It was amazing! You may recall Craig and I aren't having sex anymore. Ken is 13 years younger than I am (I'm not a cougar! They pursued me). Ken chews, drinks very occasionally, doesn't smoke anything and understands the demands of parenting, as he had his child every other week. When he said he missed me I said you missed the sex. He said he missed me because of who I am and sex was always just a bonus. After, we talked about the kids again and a movie they both like and how it will be so nice to have them together again. This is why long, sorry!! I know this sounds like a no brainer and I should dump Craig and take time to myself while Ken's divorce proceedings become final. But I guess I need some input. Maybe I've become one of those women who is never happy with what she has.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Fri, 08-15-2014 - 2:10pm

Yea, you are right.  You know the answer.  

At a minimum, regardless of what happens with your xBF (that is in the middle of his divorce), this current BF is obviously not the guy for you.  

On a side note:  do know that even though your xBF has already long checked out of his marriage, it can still take time to heal after a divorce, even when amibable.  So take your time with him.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Sat, 08-16-2014 - 4:15pm

Even with his faults, your bf doesn't deserve to be cheated on by his gf. I would break up with him so he can possibly find someone who will be faithful to him. You don't really love him, because if you did, you wouldn't do something so hurtful to him. I'm assuming that you were having sex with your ex while he was still married in the past, however long ago that was. That means that he if he cheated on her while married, he has the poor ethics to do that to you in the future. An emotionally mature man with good ethics will wait until he's divorced before being with another woman. My guess for the present? He sees you as someone to have sex with and could care less about having an exclusive relationship with you. Why do I think that? He knows you have a bf. A man with good ethics and a smart man wanting to choose a lifetime partner would not choose a woman who is cheating on her bf or husband with him. He probably sees this as not getting attached to you, since you're already in a relationship.

My advice is to break up with your present bf and stay alone at least 6 months before jumping into another unwise rebound relationship. Even if he says he wants to jump into a relationship right out of his divorce, my guess is that his actions will quickly show that he will regret doing so. He needs to be alone for a while after his divorce to heal and get to know what he really wants for his future.