when will she change

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
when will she change
13
Fri, 05-23-2014 - 8:50pm

Its been a very long time since I posted on here. My boyfriend and I have been together now for 15 years and it has been a struggle but now we are extremely happy or at least we were but we are getting it back....explanation!! years ago I use ot post how his daughter would always do what she could to try to break us up and times she almost succeeded..She hated me because I was the other girl in her dads life..She would play everyone against each other to purposely cause problems.You would think since she is now 26 she would have grown up. Well for the last couple years its actually been good between her and I except when her grandparents came to visit..she would try to do what she can so I would not visit with them..normally I let her win and stay away some of the time. However, it was okay for her boyfriend to be out there all the time but not me..(double standard) Well last time they were here she tried again. This time was the worse. Right before they came she accused me of stuff and called me out on it..when she realized that I was telling the truth I dont know what happened but few days later she accused me of something worse then ever. My boyfriend and I almost broke up this time for good becuase my anger got better of me and I almost gave up and took my anger out on him (not physically or anything just could not be around him or anyone) I almost let her win..I need some advise as to how to deal with her. Basically I was accused of telling her boyfriends mom somehting. Keep in mind my she was always pissy about the relationship between her boyfriend and his mom. How close they are and how his mom was first in her life and not her. She was always wanting to cause problems between them so I knew if I called his mom out on the lie it would have caused problems like she wanted between her boyfriend and his mom so I was not up for that cuz I dont play those games.This was 3 weeks ago. It caused me to be overly angry and now when I hear her voice, see her or know she is on the phone or anything to do with her makes my blood boil. She gloats about it too. You can see it in her. She had a daughter couple months ago and I was granny but now I am nothing.  My boyfriend and I are wonderful really..Now that all the kids are grown its about him and I till she strikes..I dont know why she has to be so controlling or cause problems for us but she does. I just dont know how to deal with it anymore. He wants a future with me and I want a future with him. When he talked to her about it..she only tells what I say and not what she has said back..How do I deal with her cuz I cant avoid her. How will I get her to grow up and leave me alone..I cannot not describe my anger this time..It was like everything she has done finally came to a head and wont pop..Right before her baby shower that I threw for her, she purposedly tried to call problems. Her BF and her were having problems..basically her way or no way kinda thing like always and she went and started saying false statements causing all kinds of problems..Its a pattern for her so how do I address this without causing problems between my BF and I. Her grandparents see it and does nothing about it or if they say something she doesnt care..she doesnt care who she hurts or anything..all about her..please help.. thanks for reading

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Fri, 05-23-2014 - 9:05pm

CORRECTION....address this without causing problems between my BF and I..not my BF and her!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Fri, 05-23-2014 - 9:06pm

CORRECTION....address this without causing problems between my BF and I..not my BF and her!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Fri, 05-23-2014 - 9:06pm

CORRECTION....address this without causing problems between my BF and I..not my BF and her!

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 05-23-2014 - 10:07pm

IHe wants a "FUTURE" with you???  You've "been together" 15 years.  Future has come and gone.  If he wanted to marry you, he would have done it years ago.  And "when will (the daughter) change"?  Never.  She's an adult.  She doesn't like you. Period.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Sat, 05-24-2014 - 7:06am

its an equal agreement of not being married...there has to be somehow to get this child to lear that she is a trouble making brat in which she needs to grow up and quit causing problems to ryone and leave everyone alone. Life is not about her and she needs to live her own life and quit causing problems for everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Sat, 05-24-2014 - 7:06am

problme is no one will say something to her or get on her about it they just let her be the way she is. If I do then the problem is worse..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 05-24-2014 - 10:59am

Not disagreeing with you about this "girl"'s behavior is unacceptable, but it is not your responsibility nor do you have any right to fix the problem.  If the parent lets her get away with it, and if the grandparents cannot/will not do anything, I doubt a "stranger", i.e., you, will make any difference.

The only thing you can do is to decide whether you want to put up with this and stay in the relationship or leave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 05-24-2014 - 12:30pm

When will she change? There's a good chance that it will be never. She's 26, an adult and parent herself, so past the age where her father or grandparent giving her a lecture is going to do anything. They always let her behave this way and that is that family's pattern, somehow it works for them and its not going to change because it doesn't work for you. Possibly her dad will eventually get tired of it and distance himself from her but don't count on that. At this point any change will have to come from inside of her because SHE decides that her present way is a problem for HER.

You have to accept that this is how she is and that she may be creating this drama for years if not forever. You cannot change her (or her dad etc) you can only change your reaction and response. You'll have to decide if you are willing to continue dealing with her behavior in order to be with her dad (and possibly a counselor could help you to learn some techniques for coping with it), or decide that you don't want to deal with it and break up with your bf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 05-24-2014 - 12:51pm

I think the key thing here is how is her father handling this--she obviously likes to make trouble and has been caught lying in the past, so if her father said that he would no longer believe anything she said against you due to her past lies, that he would not listen to any negative talk about you and that he was tired of her behavior, that MIGHT give her the incentive to change.  If her actions are still causing arguments between you & your BF, then he is still taking her side over you--the only way for you to really be a couple is to let her know that you are united and he will not let anyone come between you.  Since she is not behaving nicely, I would have as little to do with her as possible, but I would not let her control things like preventing you from visiting your BF's parents--if he wants you to visit with them, then you should not be giving into her unreasonable demands that you not visit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Sun, 05-25-2014 - 9:36am

its hard to comment and appreciate the thoughts and concerns you have all said. My BF and I are moving forward to continue and follow our dreams. We want a future together and that is when she struck. She found this out and started ehr crap. She does it with her BF's family to just to cause problems. Her BF's mom wants to say something but she doesnt wanna cause problems for her son. My BF doesnt like drama and doesnt wanna deal ith it. Now I wont do holidays or anything with her. I am waiting for a councelor to get better hopefully within next few weeks to get some ideas. There is just so much that she has done that I really am not giving you all the real her. It just never stops with her and I honestly think that after all and all..she is jealous of me becuase I am in her dads life and she is not the only girl. Its like she has a crush on him and feel she should be his girlfriend his one and only..She is a sick girl but I am the one going for counceling..just typing this and thinking about her is getting me worked up as to how much I hate that girl after everything I did for her and the baby..all I have taken from her over the years..My BF and I are strong as long as she keeps her distance. She cannot go a day without talking to her dad or texting him or something..she is really a sick girl...wow I think I am understanding more.

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