12+ years, He Ends it and "Wants to be Happy" I'm dying/angry...........help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2008
12+ years, He Ends it and "Wants to be Happy" I'm dying/angry...........help!
Wed, 11-07-2012 - 12:07pm

I have been back and forth on these boards for years, seeking wisdom and trying to do the right things in this affair, but in the end, I stayed with this MM for 12+Years.  Here is the short version of a very long story.  We worked together for 3 years before we started all this, we were both married and our families were friends.  He found me and after months of persuing, I gave in.  After 2 years, my marriage ended and he was going to end his, obvioulsy he never did.  He moved with work to another state, took her, then brought me over a year later because, he was leaving her.  3 years later, he moved again with work, took her, but wasn't happy.  Once kids graduated school he was leaving for good and we would be together, so i waited, another 5 years! 

Well then this June, he got transfered again with work, back to the state where I am, and said, SHE IS NOT COMING, its over.  Well here we are 4 months later and 3 weeks ago, he told me, he was bringing her here to find a house and when I said "so you are staying married" he said YES.  My whole world fell apart and the past few weeks have been such a blur.  Whats worse, i believe a friend of mine sent his wife a letter saying he was playing us both, which may be why he finally chose between us.

The kids are in college now, in a different state too, so they are not even here except on breaks.  During those 3 weeks, hes found and bought a huge beautiful country home and they moved in yesterday.  Monday night, when he told me the address, i fell apart.  It was the dream home we discussed right down to the white picket fence...no lie!  I lost it, I went to the hotel and was going to knock on the door, but instead I asked him to come to the car.  We talked for 45 minutes, him declaring that he does love me and doesn't know what to do.  He is so unhappy right now and just needs to find himself again.  He loves me came out of his mouth a number of times and he even hugged me and kissed me and said he wants to help me deal with my pain too because he loves me.  After 45 minutes he left in tears to return to her and I drove home. 

I have been in counseling the past few weeks and my dr says I may be codependent.  I am going to try group therapy for that but in the mean time, im giong crazy with all of this.  I have up and down mood swings from I love him and think, ok he can leave her and i can move in, to i hate him and pray the basement leaks or the house blows up.  yea i know, thats all crazy, but my rage is so deep.    I threaten to send a letter to his wife and tell her and he acts like he either dont care or dont believe me.  I dont want to hurt her, or him, or me anymore, but at times I am so angry I do!  Is that normal?

One of the hardest parts to all of this is we still work together, now in the same dang building.  had he done this when they lived in the other state, I think I could have coped easier because he wasnt living 5 miles away (he said he wants to be close to me so he bought there, grrr) and working together.    The other hard part is he was not only my soul mate, or so I thought, but he was my best friend and confidant at work.  I lost both persons in one swoop and I am struggeling with how to deal with all of this.

can any of you help me sort out my feelings and anger and hurt?  I dont want to hurt anymore, or hurt anyone, yet I do!  My dr asks would I take him back and my first reaction is YES, but when he asks if I want a cheater, liar, manipulator, user, hurtful person as my partner, i instantly say NO.  How can he be so nice and helpful if he is with her still.  When I asked "WHY"...he keeps saying, he dont know.  Then today he said "Im trying to find happiness.  Im trying to get better.  I need to get mentally healted" So out of frustration I said to him "Lets just focus on our ending. its over. You are seeking a love and life again with her. thats it. That really has to be enough.  I just have to focus on my own happiness now and healing so I can find my soul mate now that you quit the job"........his reply "I agree with the need to heal'..........I because so enraged with anger over that.  WTH!  he is agreeing with me and i dont want him to.  I wanted him to say, I am your soul mate and I am leaving,,,,,,,,,,,but he isn't.  How can he want to be my friend, help me, yet be with her!

Am i loosing my mind?  Am I the only person who is experiencing these emotions?  I cant eat, sleep and usually stay home from work.  How did I become this unhealthy person?

I welcome any advice, bad good bold, whatever.  

Thank you for taking time to read my post. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I think it would be normal for anyone to be angry in your situation.  Obviously this guy just thought he could go on forever never having to make a decision--and it did last a long, long time where he got to be married & keep up appearance with his DW and still keep you, but he is never going to get divorced--or it doesn't seem like it anyway.  It's good that you are in therapy to deal with all of this.  It would be way better if you never had to see the guy again.  You need to find a way to move on--but you should never believe him if he ever says that he's going to leave his DW--unless he actually does leave her & get a divorce, but considering they just bought a nice house together, highly unlikely--the time to leave would have been one of the many times before.

My friend was in a similar kind of situation that started in 2003 w/ a friend of hers.  she got divorced for reasons that had nothing to do w/ him and they had this on & off affair/friendship and she really thought the guy might leave his DW when his youngest went to college but when it didn't happen then she figured he would never do it despite the fact that she knows he's unhappy w/ his DW--so why he doesn't leave her, who knows?  So I guess it's easy to get sucked in to this kind of situation, but better for you to get out now rather than waste the rest of your life hoping this guy will get a divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2008
Thank you. I am sorry for your friend and I appreciate the support. I am not always angry, most of the time im depressed, but right now, after what he just said, im angry. I know that NC is best, but its so hard with him here at work and texting the way it is. I can't block him due to work and I do find that I text him too. usually with a stupid question or to vent anger. Its not healthy I know and I dont know why i do it.
Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Oh W, I am so, so sorry.  I know, I know, we all put ourselves here.  But it doesn't make the pain any less real. 

Talk about the classic Fence Sitter, geesh! 

I think the real ball buster here is his comment about wanting to move close to you, but stay married.  Are you frickin' kidding me? 

You are right that it is time to move on.  Ten years later, who knows?  Maybe you will be one of those cute elderly reunions we here about once in a while.  I don't know. 

But today his is married.  Period.  When my moment of truth came in my R I almost put signs all over my house "He is a married man!"   I didn't, but seriously thought about it. 

I gotta' run.  Good luck and stick around. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2010
I'm sorry for your pain and I can only imagine the anguish you are feeling...I just want to ask you this.....in knowing all that you know, do you want to sit around and wait another 12 years for him to choose? If he really wanted to be with you than there is nothing for him to do but be with you. I'm glad you are in therapy and do feel you are co-dependant on him. I wish you all the best and that you close this chapter in your life and move on. It would be sad if you wasted even a minute of your time on him after these 12 years of fence sitting has passed.l


Much peace & Love,