12+ years, He Ends it and "Wants to be Happy" I'm dying/angry...........help!
Find a Conversation
|Wed, 11-07-2012 - 12:07pm|
I have been back and forth on these boards for years, seeking wisdom and trying to do the right things in this affair, but in the end, I stayed with this MM for 12+Years. Here is the short version of a very long story. We worked together for 3 years before we started all this, we were both married and our families were friends. He found me and after months of persuing, I gave in. After 2 years, my marriage ended and he was going to end his, obvioulsy he never did. He moved with work to another state, took her, then brought me over a year later because, he was leaving her. 3 years later, he moved again with work, took her, but wasn't happy. Once kids graduated school he was leaving for good and we would be together, so i waited, another 5 years!
Well then this June, he got transfered again with work, back to the state where I am, and said, SHE IS NOT COMING, its over. Well here we are 4 months later and 3 weeks ago, he told me, he was bringing her here to find a house and when I said "so you are staying married" he said YES. My whole world fell apart and the past few weeks have been such a blur. Whats worse, i believe a friend of mine sent his wife a letter saying he was playing us both, which may be why he finally chose between us.
The kids are in college now, in a different state too, so they are not even here except on breaks. During those 3 weeks, hes found and bought a huge beautiful country home and they moved in yesterday. Monday night, when he told me the address, i fell apart. It was the dream home we discussed right down to the white picket fence...no lie! I lost it, I went to the hotel and was going to knock on the door, but instead I asked him to come to the car. We talked for 45 minutes, him declaring that he does love me and doesn't know what to do. He is so unhappy right now and just needs to find himself again. He loves me came out of his mouth a number of times and he even hugged me and kissed me and said he wants to help me deal with my pain too because he loves me. After 45 minutes he left in tears to return to her and I drove home.
I have been in counseling the past few weeks and my dr says I may be codependent. I am going to try group therapy for that but in the mean time, im giong crazy with all of this. I have up and down mood swings from I love him and think, ok he can leave her and i can move in, to i hate him and pray the basement leaks or the house blows up. yea i know, thats all crazy, but my rage is so deep. I threaten to send a letter to his wife and tell her and he acts like he either dont care or dont believe me. I dont want to hurt her, or him, or me anymore, but at times I am so angry I do! Is that normal?
One of the hardest parts to all of this is we still work together, now in the same dang building. had he done this when they lived in the other state, I think I could have coped easier because he wasnt living 5 miles away (he said he wants to be close to me so he bought there, grrr) and working together. The other hard part is he was not only my soul mate, or so I thought, but he was my best friend and confidant at work. I lost both persons in one swoop and I am struggeling with how to deal with all of this.
can any of you help me sort out my feelings and anger and hurt? I dont want to hurt anymore, or hurt anyone, yet I do! My dr asks would I take him back and my first reaction is YES, but when he asks if I want a cheater, liar, manipulator, user, hurtful person as my partner, i instantly say NO. How can he be so nice and helpful if he is with her still. When I asked "WHY"...he keeps saying, he dont know. Then today he said "Im trying to find happiness. Im trying to get better. I need to get mentally healted" So out of frustration I said to him "Lets just focus on our ending. its over. You are seeking a love and life again with her. thats it. That really has to be enough. I just have to focus on my own happiness now and healing so I can find my soul mate now that you quit the job"........his reply "I agree with the need to heal'..........I because so enraged with anger over that. WTH! he is agreeing with me and i dont want him to. I wanted him to say, I am your soul mate and I am leaving,,,,,,,,,,,but he isn't. How can he want to be my friend, help me, yet be with her!
Am i loosing my mind? Am I the only person who is experiencing these emotions? I cant eat, sleep and usually stay home from work. How did I become this unhealthy person?
I welcome any advice, bad good bold, whatever.
Thank you for taking time to read my post.